Dark Thoughts
At four in the morning, the old cat begins her morning crabby high-pitched “wahhhhrrr.” The wind picks up and I go to pee. Open my laptop and with its very first light, a tiny beetle flies to the screen to wander back and forth, in search of what? Company or bugs even more miniscule? And where has it been in the interim? In what obscure corner of my world has it been waiting for light, like the old cat, barely able to restrain itself , seeking my company at my first sign of stirring?
Does the rest of the world wait for me like this, or is it death lurking in the shadows, waiting for its time? Has life slowed down to this one long communal waiting? My sick friend has left but leaves behind her some of her dejection. I cannot shake it. Return to it after each short departure into the world. I feel an eternity of the ills of the world around me. Optimist rebel in an enemy camp all my life, I now feel myself sinking into the ordinary world. My mood refuses to shift with the sunrise. Even the old cat, still unfed, leaves me alone to my dark mood.
I fear the power of sleep, not wanting to return to that half-remembered dream I woke from. Fear this new self I seem to be becoming. Suddenly, I fear eternity—feel it not my friend.
lifelessons - a blog by Judy Dykstra-Brown 
Very philosophical and a bit melancholy.
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I know. I almost didn’t publish it, but guess every mood is part of us, even dark ones.
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I could have written this last night, not as well obviously, but the feelings are there. I was very disappointed with yesterday’s company and their apathy towards the world. It is overwhelming at times.
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I hesitated posting this but then decided that we all have these feelings now and then and perhsps it is comforting to know others have them as well. As your words have comforted me.
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Thank you.
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How strong the pull of dejection — I’m sorry that your good caretaking deeds have drawn those feelings towards you. It must be time for a day by the lake followed by a good beach party!
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Got out of the house today. Went to a reading and out to lunch with friends. Tonight going to another party. So all’s well.. Just a mood. I think part of it was depression over how bad my friend was feeling and news of other friends who are very ill. This is just the age for many of these occurrences and we have to tough up and deal with them, but human nature intervenes. I guess it is a matter of balance. To try to rise out of it and go on to enjoy life for as long as possible. Thanks for always being there, Janet, and for always having an encouraging word.
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It’s a very difficult balance to maintain. Since my last trip to Santa Barbara, I’ve found myself retreating, doing little that was constructive, and continually thinking about my friend there, who had a bad back while I was there, “due to carrying 5 gallon buckets of water across the parking lot.” He’s now on heavy pain meds and muscle relaxers while they determine what to do about a crushed disc (probably a function of age more than anything else). An hour watching fireworks last night, a good workout this morning, a visit to the beach, lunch tomorrow with a friend — all distractions to pull myself out of the doldrums and get my own life back into the proper perspective. I’m glad you are having a good, stimulating day today!
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Looks like we are in the same boat..and choosing the same solution.
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It’s hard when all I can do is let him know over the phone that I care. Another balance — between caring and nagging! Doing the things I enjoy most is a good solution!
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You hit on it. I agree.
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Haha — earthquakes are also a good distraction!
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Amazing the thoughts you have at 4 o’clock in the morning.
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Oh yeah. Maybe that did have something to do with it!
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