Tofurky Asafoetida Blues
My brother’s new wife has the whole family curious.
Her allegations seem New-Age and spurious.
With the result that grandma is furious.
She turns family gatherings into a podium
where she expounds on the dangers of sodium.
Meanwhile, the whole family is on Imodium .
Off to the bathroom, each one in a hurry
after imbibing in her saltless curry.
Will grandpa recover? We all share the worry.
Her asafoetida and cumin and dahl
have certainly cast an ominous pall.
We hardly enjoy family dinners at all!
She stuffs us with pita and gags us with bulgur
because she thinks regular rice is just vulgar.
But macrobiotic and Christmas don’t mix.
We miss all the old foods she’s certain to nix.
No turkey, no dressing, no cranberry sauce.
And no Christmas pudding, ’cause she is the boss!
For years, family dinners went by with no glitch,
but not so since bro married this tedious bitch.
So Santa, this year it would be very pleasant
if you gave us all just one communal present.
Please, Santa, deliver us from her tofurkey
and restore us to pudding and dressing and turkey!!!
Note: Asafoetida is a strong spice with a pungent smell, often used in Indian cuisine. It has been known to cause burping, farting and swelled lips.