Category Archives: Humor

Foreign Tongues (Day 29 of NaPoWriMo)

Our prompt today is to write a poem that includes at least 5 words in a foreign language.

Foreign Tongues

When I was a child, I thought as a child.
In short, I didn’t think.
My faulty reasonings were piled
like dishes in a sink.

I was different, didn’t sync
with the rest of my childhood herd.
(Even at five, I was on the brink
of being a little nerd.)

While other children responded to
“What do you want to be?”
with “Cowboy! Teacher!” (right on cue),
these answers weren’t me.

When it came to having career talks,
I fear I was a purist.
My answer was less orthodox.
My aim? To be a tourist!!

I thought tourists then to be
a sort of gypsy pack.
Jobless, they were wild and free,
their luggage on their back.

Or in their cars, packed front and back,
traveling evermore––
a footloose, wandering, feckless pack
unsettled to the core.

I saw them passing on the road
just one block south of where
my family hunched in their abode
year after passing year.

I had to wait for 19 years
to earn my traveling shoes––
to assuage my parents’ groundless fears,
abate their travel blues.

I took off on a sailing ship
to visit foreign lands.
When foreign words evaded lip,
I merely used my hands!

Back home, the English seemed to me
common––sorta dowdy.
Instead of “Moshi, moshi”
I had to murmur, “Howdy.”

As soon as school was over,
I hopped upon a plane.
I’d pass my life a rover.
Inertia was inane!

I packed up my regalia
with neither tear nor sob
to head out to Australia
for my first teaching job.

I thought that English I would teach.
It was our common tongue.
Enunciation would I teach.
Oh Lord, I was so young!

My first day there, I heard the word
“Did-ja-‘ave-a guh-die-mite?”
I found it all to be absurd.
They were joking. Right?

Don’t come the raw prahn on my, mite”
was next to meet my ear.
What foreign language did they cite?
It puzzled me, I fear.

I rode, I walked, I sailed the seas
and ended up in Bali.
Said my “Terimakasih’s”
And then, “Selamat Pagi.”

My move to Africa was one
that some folks found quixotic,
but “amasaganalu
was a word I found exotic.

After two years, I went home.
Wyoming was the next
place that I agreed to roam,
though I was sorely vexed.

For though the words were all the same
I’d learned at my mom’s knee––
(I’m sure that I was all to blame)
they all seemed Greek to me!

California was where I hung
my hat for many-a-year.
There Español was half the tongue
that fell upon my ear.

I liked its cadence, liked its ring.
The words ran fluid and
their foreignness was just my thing
in this bilingual land.

So Mexico is where I’m bound.
I’ve reasons numbering cien.
The main one is, I like the sound
of “Que la via bien.”

The Ballad of Poor Molly (Day 25 of NaPoWrimo)

Our prompt today was to write a ballad—a narrative poem worthy of being set to music with a rhyme scheme of ABAB and alternating 8 and 6 syllable iambic lines. Here is mine.

The Ballad of Poor Molly

Poor Molly Smith was lonely sure
on every weekend night.
No lover had she to insure
an end to her sad plight.

She’d read of match.com and then
eHarmony and others.
No more would she be chickless hen
if she could have her druthers.

She took her keyboard in her hand
to find a true love there,
for sparsely was the household manned
of this poor maiden fair.

She put her name upon a site
and waited for some word.
A day went by and then a night,
but nothing had she heard.

Her profile words were erudite,
written with such care.
Everything was done just right,
yet no man found she there.

She started blogging all day long,
“liked” members’ every word;
but still something was very wrong.
She found it all absurd.

Other women found true love
On OkCupid, but
no pierced heart, no cooing dove
released her from her rut.

She sought her profile to imbue
and stretched the truth, I fear.
Her hair turned blonde, her bust size grew,
her beauty knew no peer.

She found a picture of some tart
both sexy, tanned and toned.
Perhaps it wasn’t really smart,
but soon a suitor phoned.

They made a date to meet for drinks,
then she began to worry.
Her hair had all these ugly kinks,
her upper lip was furry.

Her height was five-foot-four, not eight,
her dress size twelve, not six.
How could she show up for this date?
Poor Mol was in a fix.

She read his profile once again:
handsome, rich and funny.
She felt a surge of pure chagrin.
He’d humor, looks and money?

She printed up his profile pic
and pinned it to her couch.
His skin was bronzed, his muscles thick,
while she was flabby. Ouch!

She took a bottle to her hair
And died it light as flax,
bought heels as high as she could dare
and tummy-control slacks.

She ran three miles or more that day
(or she more likely walked);
and thought about what she would say
If her new suitor balked.

Could medication swell one out
for twenty pounds or more?
Would he accept without a doubt
This apologetic lore?

The time grew short. She bathed and fussed
and straightened out her hair.
Her body girdled, squeezed and trussed––
to sit she didn’t dare.

She’d take a bus and spend the ride
standing in the aisle.
The acid churning her inside
was turning into bile.

She grabbed her purse and locked the door
and sprinted for the bus.
Her girdle crawled an inch or more.
It made her want to cuss.

She tugged it down, got on the bus
and tried to stand erect.
One way out of all this muss
would be to have a wreck!

The driver drove with extra care
to take her to her meal.
Yet when she wobbled down the stair,
she broke one three-inch heel.

By then her hair had kinked again,
her girdle slowly rose.
She had peroxide on her chin
and also on her nose.

She almost left, gave in to doubt;
but then she stopped to think.
Her curiosity won out.
She’d stay for just one drink.

She saw him just as soon as she
had entered in the door.
He was tall and golly, gee
was handsome, fit and more!

She ducked into the ladies room
to tame her crazy hair
and contemplate upcoming doom.
What an unlikely pair!

Then gathered all her courage up
and went to meet her fate.
She’d have a drink, forget the sup
and end this nightmare date.

She walked right up and tapped his arm
and said his name,”Dupree?”
And when he turned, his look was warm,
but he said, “That isn’t me.”

She felt a touch upon her hair
and turned to find out who
or what had deigned to touch her where
she’d recently changed hue.

A little man about her height,
really cute, but chubby, too,
was chuckling with all his might
and looking at her shoe.

“What in heaven happened to you?”
he asked, and then he snatched
and snapped the heel right off her shoe
so both of her heels matched.

“My name’s Dupree,” he said, “You’re you.
I’d know you anywhere.
You’re tall and slim, your eyes are blue,
your hair is straight and fair.

I hope you’re not too mad at my
prevaricating way.
I’m really not too bad a guy
no matter what they say.

I know I stretched the truth a bit.
Not all I say is true,
but how else would I find a fit
with such a babe as you?”

She went into the ladies room
and slipped out of her girdle.
The date foreseen with dread and gloom
was not the foretold hurdle.

They ate four courses, then one more.
They laughed and traded quips.
He drove her home right to her door
and kissed her on the lips!

Now Molly’s nest is feathered.
Of chicks, she numbers three.
And Dupree is firmly tethered
with Molly on his knee.

Anagram Poem: Day 24 of NaPoWriMo

For some reason, I couldn’t get onto the internet yesterday afternoon or last night so I am just posting this now.  It was written yesterday but not posted until today.

(The following poem is made up entirely of words that can be made from the letters in my name (Ms. Judith Kay Dykstra-Brown). For the purpose of theme, I have broken this rule in the last stanza. A friend who read it thought it was too negative, but it is all meant to be funny. I had to make use of the words I could make.  Just try writing a poem with no e’s!!!)

About Moi

Thou art drunk and so rowdy;
you don’t stand to win.
Your body is dowdy;
your hair is so thin.

Thou art a word-junky
both bawdy and wry.
Your workstand so junky;
your wit is so dry.

Your Ma’s from a bowry;
your daddy was bust,
so your sad dowry
was junky with rust.

Your sis was so bratty,
but now is a nun.
Your butt is both tatty
and broad as a hun.

A byword for wordy,
your work is not art.
Your story’s too dirty,
a bard thou art not!

I may do b-tt-r
wh-n I start to think,
As my d-arth of this l-tt-r
just starts moi to drink!

Circadian Verse Non-pareil (NaPoWriMo Day 20—10 to go!)

Prompt: Today we were challenged to write a poem that uses at least five of the following words. In my own rodomontadian fashion, I decided to use all of them. I italicized the words as they were used in the poem so you can check up on me!

Word List: owl generator abscond upwind squander clove miraculous dunderhead cyclops willowy mercurial seaweed gutter non-pareil artillery salt curl ego rodomontade elusive twice ghost cheese cowbird truffle svelte quahog bilious

Circadian Verse Non-pareil

Enough, I say! It’s bad enough when poetry stoops to puns
or limericks, but now we’re asked to write of guns????
NaPoWriMo!
Just say, “No!”
I, myself, would journey over dale and hillery
to avoid the usage of artillery!
There is enough of it in every news report
with vivid details: magnum, caliber or loudness of report.

It am so sick of it!!!
Guns don’t fit
in poetry and that is why
I choose to write about fine dining under a cowbird sky
on truffles svelte and mercurial with just a ghost of cheese
upon my plate—a dish that’s sure to please.
No salt, no clove, no quahog purloined from its oceanic lair
should be added to this perfect dish. What dunderhead would dare?

Overhead, an owl drops like a comet to abscond
with some small creature scooped up from the pond.
He flies away, upwind, then curls his flight to fly back over
and in one miraculous swoop, his talons comb the clover
in search of prey that is elusive
and wisely, seconds later, is reclusive.

Twice more, we see our willowy feathered friend descend
while our teeth keep chewing and our elbows bend
to stuff yet one more morsel into bodies slightly bilious,
turning a deaf ear to talk now supercilious.
Our whole gluttonous, cyclopean brood
(one eye on the owl, the other on our food)
is loath one morsel of this groaning board to squander
on predator now circling over us, then over yonder.
His wings held straight—no bend or flutter,
he soars down low and eyes the gutter.

The seaweed now he surveys—that generator
of frogs and tadpoles and perhaps a gator.
But, finding nothing this hungry day,
he dips one wing and flies away.

And so must I desert my task circadian,
Lest ego turns me rodomontadian.

“Wanted” (NaPoWriMo day 19)

The prompt was to write a poem in the style of a personal ad.

Wanted:

It’s not so hard to write a personal ad.
Wanted: someone to replace my dad

who consents to cut the carrots and grate the cheese
Just exactly as I please.

A quirky, pleasant, intelligent, liberal man
who can navigate a day without a plan;

who will throw the dog a bone
and let me be alone

sometimes. At other times, who’ll draw me out.
Someone who doesn’t even want to shout.

Someone who will make me want to be
We.

Hello, NaPoWriMo (Day 17)

The assignment today was to write a poem of greeting.

Hello, NaPoWriMo

Good morning, NaPoWriMo, and good night.
Whether I have written or will write,
you tend to fill my day with obligation
for rhymed and metered concentration.
Social engagements––a thing of the past.
No time for conversation and repast
except for sandwiches and coffee quickly quaffed
in glow not candlelight (but just as soft)
that shines from my computer screen
from morn till night, with no relief between
as I strain for yet another rhyme.
For this is how I spend my time,
NaPoWriMo! With fourteen days to go,
it is impossible to just say, “No.”
No matter how I yearn to just resume my life––
to end these rhymes with which my days are rife––
I have to finish what I started
lest I be branded fickle-hearted.
I read somewhere that half the poets who first committed
to write a poem a day have by now quitted
the task they took an oath to do;
but still a few
plod on with me. We’ll never meet,
though we walk down the same blank path with metered feet.
Perhaps one day we’ll meet in poetry heaven or hell
knowing we did this task completely if not well!

In conclusion, I have heard
That in Hawaii, there’s one word
that means both hello and good bye.
It means love, affection, adios and hi!
That word, “Aloha,” covers all from dark to light;
and so, Aloha, NaPoWriMo, and good night!

Confessions of a Retired Superheroine (Day 14, NaPoWriMo) (really dumb, I know, but at least I did the prompt!)

This is the prompt: “I challenge you to write a persona poem — that is, a poem in the voice of a particular person who isn’t you. But I’d like you to choose a very particular kind of person. How about a poem in the voice of a superhero (or a supervillain)?”

Confessions of a Retired Superheroine

What’s happening tomorrow?
the same thing that happens every Friday
since I was forced into retirement last year.
I’m going to go make my collections.

It will be my first day
off the diet
I’ve been on for a week––
and my leathers aren’t at all as close-fitting
as they were before,
so I deserve a small reward.

I’ve washed my hair—
Well, no surprise. I do every day.
A bit OCD on that activity,
but today I washed all of it.
Every inch.
Ears, too.

I can’t remember when I first thought
of the lucrative business
I’ve been opurrrrrrrating since my retirement;
but I do remember that tomorrow is the day
I go from door-to-door doing collections.

I usually dress in leathers,
which I look pretty good in for a mature sex-kitten.
No, not a biker chick.
I am more of a femme fatale
with a haunting and mesmerizing voice.
Everyone says it sends chills down their back–
a sort of backyard Les Mis.

My parking garage is six blocks away,
so I take a shortcut: leaping over walls,
soft-toeing it along the top edge of fences.

Sometimes I crouch in the bushes,
waiting for strangers to pass.
As I do, I sharpen my fingernails—
a weapon no one can take away from me.
Anyway, what good would a gun be
for a woman with no opposable thumbs?
Hey. Don’t feel sorry for me, okay?
I’m Puurrrrrfectly happy with my lot in life.
I’m puurrrrfect without them.

Sushi? Yes.
A trip to the beach? No.
Not unless there is raw fish involved
that I don’t have to catch myself!

I’m a night person.
I sleep for most of the day
and go out every night.

I am sexy, fit and nimble.
I fill out my leathers in all the right places.
I can jump to the ground from a rooftop,
land on my feet and be off before you see
any more of me than a shadow.
I am a thief by birth and inclination, and I
I pre”fur” my daily fare to be purrrrrrloined.

I can take swift revenge and kill mercilessly,
or curl up and enjoy
a long petting session,
as docile as you please.

Actually, I don’t know why I’m giving you this sales pitch.
I usually ignore people,
so when I actually notice them,
they are honored.

The diet? Well, low-protein, low carb and low fat.
That leaves nothing but grass, right?
And the problem with that is that everyone thinks you are sick
and so tries to trick you into a dose of this or that.
The cod liver oil isn’t bad,
but I’ve never developed a taste for Pepto Bismol.
My neighbor sneaked some into my cream a few months ago
and I gagged so hard I coughed up a hare-ball.
Just the nose and whiskers, actually, but it created a sensation, nonetheless.
I was at a party and no one was yet drunk enough
to take it in their stride.

Anyway, I’ve gotten distracted.
I’m just going to smooth my hair a bit
and then go to bed and get rested up
for tomorrow’s collections.

What kind of brilliant female was I to create a job for myself like this?

“Cat Woman Pest Disposal––You trap them, we collect them.”

I actually get paid for going from door to door,
collecting a course here and a course there.
No of course, no matter how hungry I am after my week’s fast,
I will not reward myself in my client’s presence.
I always wait until I get to my catmobile to have my first nibble.
After all, even a retired superheroine has to watch her image.

If Nothing but Truth Were Possible (Day 12 of NaPoWriMo)

“Write a poem consisting entirely of things you’d like to say, but never would, to a parent,
lover, sibling, child, teacher, roommate, best friend, mayor, president, corporate CEO, etc.”

If Nothing but Truth Were Possible

Your child is not as charming as you think he is.
Perhaps if you just said, “No!” to him now and then?

I’m allergic to dogs. Could you get your St. Bernard off my lap, please,
and lock him out of the room where we’re sitting?

As much as I enjoyed the first hundred of your family photos,
could we perhaps move on to conversation of a less familial theme?

My husband has seen enough of your cleavage for one evening. Could you cage them?

Your poem’s triteness is only equaled by its misspellings.

I can see why you would want to be a swinger. Someone as gross as you are
should not expect his wife to shoulder all the responsibility.

Walmart art does not really count as a collection.

Whether your rocks are cubic zirconium or diamonds, they are still ugly!!!

Why would you bring $100,000 worth of diamonds to Mexico
and expect them not to be stolen?

When people back away from you, there’s a good chance
they don’t want you to advance on them again.

A good way to check for bad breath is to lick your wrist.

Have you ever wondered why only beautiful women want you to ask them to dance?

If you expect things in Mexico to be just like they were in the U.S., please remember
that there is a country just north of the border that is the U.S.!! Why don’t you go there?

No I am not ill. I’ve just spent two years starving myself and spent a fortune
on appetite suppressants. Couldn’t you just tell me I look fabulous?

Be honest now. Would you ever have thought to eat raw fish if it weren’t all the rage?

Your life depends on telling the truth. Do you you really, truly enjoy opera?

Just what is it you find enchanting about Paris? Oh, right. It must be the friendly people!

Tanks or Tankas? Day 11 of NaPoWriMo–and with 11 1/2 hours to spare!

A tanka is a verse form of five lines following the pattern of 5-7-5-7-7 syllables. This poem consists of nine tankas that deal with the question, “Does might make right or does write make might?”

Tanks or Tankas?

It is such pleasure
lying in my morning bed,
I forsake those “shoulds”––
pool aerobics and the gym––
save them for another day.

As I exercise
that switchboard of all muscles,
the marvelous brain,
ideas are pumped like barbells
to create a well-toned verse.

Iron man or sage––
which will win and which will lose?
Is it brain or brawn
that moves our species forward
to survive this crazy race?

Our laptops used for
what––as pens or weaponry?
Which serves us better
in this age’s lethal match
for survival, power, wealth?

Which moves us forward?
Philosopher? Iron Man?
Poet? Soldier? Jock?
Which insures our progress toward
a place as Darwin’s fittest?

Physical fitness
in contemporary thought
wins most of the points
to insure a lengthy life
(and a husband or a wife).

but:

They also serve who
sit and wait upon their bums,
writing out their odes
by recording just what comes.
So now you need to tell us

which of these will win:
the muscle man or soldier
or the poet’s pen?
If muscle is your power
If you think that it will win,

please now consider:
the leg may be the longest
of your muscles, but
the largest strongest muscle
is the one you sit upon!

Excuses, Excuses (Day 8 of NaPoWriMo)

Excuses, Excuses

On day eight,
my poem was late.
Alas, there was no time
for any type of rhyme
let alone ottava
before my java.
Then, once my day had started,
I fussed and arted.
The time just wasn’t prime
to pen iambic rhyme––
no variety of verse
long or terse,
rhymed or blank
in my memory bank.

Later in the day, I had to rap
with friends newly arrived, and then a nap
consumed my time for two more hours,
then flowers
to water and a swim to take.
My day, in short, a piece of cake
but nonetheless, no time in it
for having writ.

A dinner invitation was what next
usurped my plans to ponder over text.
Chiles relleno made my life replete
as finally, I reached iambic beat.
A game of dominos was next to steal
my writing time—no time for me to deal
with beats and stanzas,let alone with rhyme.
Quite bluntly, then—there isn’t always time
to meet my obligations versical.
My day, in short, grew worsical
in terms of my poetic obligation,
as I let down the NaPoWriMo nation.

By now the clock had crept
to twelve and then it leapt
to two AM. That’s when I left
my friends bereft
as I deserted them to go and write.
I braved aloneness and the night,
approached my desk and plainly reckoned
to take pen in hand—but then my pool beckoned.
Through the window how the moon
caressed it’s surfaces, and all too soon,
it was more than just a whim.
I had to swim.
That is why
I am one shy
and do not have a
r i m a   o t t a v a ! ! ! ! !