Category Archives: humorous poem

If Truth Were Told

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If Truth Were Told

I’d call you oxymoron, but the pun is just too corny,
so I will simply say that you’re as dumb as you are horny.
You’d be Barney Fife’s apprentice if they rated you on brains—
your lantern of enlightenment extinguished by life’s rains.

Your logic is so flimsy that you’re little more than beast.
Left is right, in is out, up’s down and west is east.
When we try to help you, you see reason as assault.
The world is out to get you and nothing is your fault.

Everyone we know says that we should abandon you,
let you reap what you have sown and cook in your own stew,
but we cannot do it. We’re with you to the end,
because for a lifetime, we have called you friend.

Prompt words are lantern, apprentice, flimsy, east, oxymoron and assault.
The goofus in this photo has given permission to use it. None of the other descriptions apply to him, however. (Face by Forgottenman)

Old Bones on a Long Hike

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Old Bones on a Long Hike

Traipsing along under vanilla skies,
the splatters of rain came as little surprise.

Then the spray of the sea salt blew into my eyes,
providing my tears a means of disguise.

Climbing the hillside, away from the surf,
my ancient legs struggled with the rough turf.

Once I tripped lightly whereas now I trod
with difficulty over each giant clod.

But then a companion looks down from the view
and points out it’s wild ginger we’re struggling through.

Regaining my humor, I start to have fun,
always a sucker for a corny pun,

for without a clue and with no way of knowing,
I’ve been gingerly coming and gingerly going.

 

For the dVerse Poets prompt, we were given a list of spices and asked to include at least three in our poem. I couldn’t find a picture of me hiking lately (for good reason) but could only find this photo of me in my twenties, perhaps imagining how I’d be fifty years from now ????

Familial One-upmanship

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Familial One-upmanship

My brother has a reputation for excessive lingering.
I think he has advanced degrees in mooching and malingering.

The black sheep of the family, the brunt of all our jokes,
at forty-three he still receives an allowance from our folks.

He ruins family dinners by being loud and brash.
His favorite interactions end up in a clash.

Discussing brands of vodka or motor cars or fashions,
he’s bound to expound at great length about his latest passions.

His family is his outlet for letting off his steam.
His exquisite taste in clothing dissected seam-by-seam.

We get no word in edgewise when conversing with this brother,
so when choosing a table mate, I veer toward any other.

There’s one in every family, it’s true right down the line,
but if you’ve one you’d like to trade, I’d gladly trade you mine.

Prompt words today are discuss, outlet, malinger, clashes, brash,allowance, exquisite and vodka.  (I took this picture but it is not my family.  I took it at a town reunion years ago and it is used for illustrative purposes only. I don’t have any brothers, so the guy  in the poem is fictional, but you might recognize him anyway.)

Cautionary Tale

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Cautionary Tale

Before a flower you chance to pick,
pick a flower without  bees.
Bees sting painfully and so quick.
So, quick, you need to get the wound
wound tightly to dispel the pain.
Pain  you’d never have felt if only,
only you had looked before.

For the Murisopsis My Name Scavenger Hunt prompt–A Daisy Chain Poem

In Life Not as in Art

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In Life, Not as in Art

Those who have a fondness for surreal modern art
might often hitch their horses behind their apple cart.
Which might lead to dropping apples up and down the road.
Which, of course, will lead to losing half your load.
So, if Pablo Picasso is your aesthetic saint,
My advice for beginners? Don’t practice what you paint.

Prompts for today are cart, beginner, fondness, abstract, drop, modern . Image is Picasso’s la fenêtre ouverte.

Stick-in-the-Muds

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Stick-in-the-Muds

Obtuse folks with fondness for traditions of the past
consider a rendition that has a modern cast
as an indication that culture will not last,
confining their appreciation to their yesterdays,
designating mod designs as just another craze.
They sink into their easy chairs to mouth a loud “Ahem!”
not realizing  that their folks thought just the same of them.

Prompts for today are design, culture, fondness, obtuse, sink, rendition and indicative. IIlustration by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Whirl

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Whirl

The rumor is that I will fall for anything in pants,
but it’s a reputation I only gained by chance.
It really isn’t warranted, for I must feel a spark.
I’m not apt to woo anyone merely for a lark.

I’m just giving feedback, though it’s really no big deal,
of how I earned my reputation on a Ferris wheel.
I went up as a single, but after a spin or two,
another swinging single came into my view.

He was a mere acquaintance. I’d seen him once or twice
on a barstool at the tavern, and I thought him very nice.
I was a mere scrap of a girl, and he was big and burly.
He had a classic profile and his smile was wide and pearly.

My second spin around the wheel, I gave the smile of smiles,
hoping I could interest him with my girlish wiles.
It must have worked for on my very next time going round,
I saw that fellow standing on the boarding mound.

The spinning stopped while they removed my safety bar and he
climbed right in beside me and turned his smile on me.
I don’t know the legality. Is love a bonafide
excuse to board new people in the middle of a ride?

I do not know the answer, but I know for sure it worked,
and when the safety bar went on and that big wheel jerked
me up into the air again, I never rued the stop,
for we were locked in our first kiss before we reached the top.

Although I started solo, we came to earth a pair.
I had found my next true love way up there in the air,
proving it once and for all that romance may be found
even in a swinging cage fifty feet off the ground.

And while the whole experience prompted jubilation,
it had a negative effect on my reputation.
So though I still find rides upon the Ferris wheel are neato,
I arrive there fully masked and I ride incognito!

 

Prompts for the day are incognito, feedback, spark, acquaintance, scrap, Ferris wheel and legality. Image by Juliana Malta on Unsplash

Eyeing my Neighbor’s Sandwich in the School Cafeteria

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Eyeing my Neighbor’s Sandwich in the School Cafeteria

Since they garnisheed Dad’s wages, we’ve been bleary-eyed and passive.
The influence on our diet, in short, has been most massive.
Sister has a headache and mother’s getting thin.
My football playing brother has no energy to win.
His lack of skill’s been vindicated by the fact that he
was relegated to a diet riboflavin-free.
For since Dad has no wages, there’s no money to buy bread,
so dandelion greens are what we’re grazing on instead.
Since vitamin g is what we have been missing in our diet,
if you don’t like that sandwich, do you think that I could try it?

I know. A really bad poem, but hope I am “vindicated” when you view what the prompt words were: Prompt words for today were bleary, passive, win, vitamin g, vindicated and garnishment.Illustration thanks to Chic Young.

Note:

Vitamin G isn’t a term you’ll hear very much anymore. It’s actually an outdated name for riboflavin (also known as lactoflavin and vitamin B2), a micronutrient found in bread and pasta. Riboflavin is an easily absorbed micronutrient that plays a key role in maintaining health in humans and animals. It is required for a wide variety of cellular processes and is very important in getting energy from the foods we eat. Studies have shown that riboflavin may play a role in the prevention and/or treatment of iron-deficiency anemia, carpal tunnel syndrome, cataracts, migraines and rosacea (a skin disease). And recent research has found that riboflavin is one of three vitamins involved in the regulation of circadian (daily) rhythms, because it helps to activate some light-sensitive cells in the retina of the eye and synchronize our daily biological rhythms with the light.

Jam and Toast for Dinner

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  Wishful thinking.

Jam and Toast for Dinner

She could not stand to touch a worm,
for squiggly things just made her squirm,
and so she cast a naked hook
into the waters of the brook.
You might have guessed she was not able
to provide protein for our table,
thus proving that old axiom
forgotten by our squeamish mom.
“When you go out fishing, best do it by the book.
No one ever caught a fish with an unbaited hook.”

For the dVerse Poets prompt: aphorisms.

I believe this is a new aphorism to add to your list!

Forced Celebration

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Forced Celebration

As they frogmarched their prisoner into the room,
uncountable candles dispelled the gloom.
A pervading odor of sugar and wax
was entrenched in the air around piles and stacks
of brightly wrapped boxes of variable sizes,
yet she was not swayed by potential surprises.
Soothing smiles of friends and the song they were singing
were tangential to thoughts that were wildly zinging
through her mind, for in short, she did not find it nifty
that this was the day that she would turn fifty!!!

Prompts today are frogmarch, variable, soothing, entrench, pervading, candle and tangential. Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash.