Category Archives: humorous poetry

Heavenly Retirement

Heavenly Retirement

She was the center of attention, a magical surprise.
She rivaled Cleopatra both in manner and in guise.
Her courtiers all fumbled in their desire to please her.
Her courters milled and tumbled in their urgent need to squeeze her.
For she knew well the subterfuge of makeup and of dressing
to keep all of her paramours both interested and guessing.

A masterpiece of camouflage, she dressed to win their favor—
the cynosure of attention who changed in age and flavor

from audience to audience—one day serene and regal,
the next day fluffy as whipped cream, appearing barely legal.
She kept admirers captive for so many years
that she outlived all her children and outlived all her peers.

But when at last she succumbed to inevitable fate,
making her grand entrance through that pearly gate,
all the hosts of heaven bowed down to all her glory
having no idea how wrinkled and how gory
she was beneath her raiment and the mask that met their eyes.
It was only the next morning that they saw through her disguise.

For alas, on trips to heaven, carry-ons are not allowed
and responsibility for checked bags disavowed.
So she arrived without her makeup, her wigs and all the stuff
she’d used throughout her lifetime to powder, paint and buff
herself to fine perfection. Without her wigs and clothes,
she had no other choice except to finally disclose

that she was just the girl next door—albeit so much older—
her visage creased and wrinkled, stooped over at the shoulder.
Her breasts were much deflated and her color merely sallow.
Without the false eyelashes, her eyes were strangely shallow.
And as she looked into the mirror, she finally faced the facts.
She could sink into her rocking chair and finally relax!

 

The prompt words today are fumble, magical, masterpiece and cynosure. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/rdp-thursday-fumble/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/12/13/fowc-with-fandango-magical/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/masterpiece/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/your-daily-word-prompt-cynosure-December-13-2018/

Let it “B”

 

IMG_2201Daily Inkling, your prompts get weirder and weirder.  Today it is to write a letter of appreciation to the letter “B.”!!! Matt–what next?  But, here goes: 

Let it “B”

B very careful, little dear.
I’ll put a B into your ear.
If A’s and B’s are what you seek,
Open a “B”ook and take a peek.
If you want to “B” a sage,
You gotta read that printed page!

 

https://normalhappenings.com/2018/10/18/a-b-letter-daily-inkling/

Troglodyte*

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Troglodyte

She remained safely part of the herd.
Anything “different” she labeled absurd.
Stellar works of writing or music or art
raised her concern as they stirred up her heart.

Since she did not approve of rattling the senses,

she kept herself safely concealed behind fences.
Bright jarring colors too much of a risk,
she surrounded herself with calm shades of  bisque.

When the masses went clubbing, she simply stayed home
sipping tea on her terrace with her garden gnome.
No witty rejoinders with which to contend.
No strangers to challenge beliefs or offend.

All of her life deliberately planned
to ward off adventure and preserve the bland,
as the world interacted and frolicked and rapped,
she petted her cat and frequently napped.

* A Troglodyte  is a person characterized by reclusive habits or outmoded or reactionary attitudes

The prompt words for today are herd, fence stellar and concern. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/10/11/rdp-thursday-herd/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/10/11/fowc-with-fandango-fence/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/11/stellar/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/10/06/daily-addictions-2018-week-40/concern

Happy Ending

bee at beach

Happy Ending

It’s typical and just my luck
that when the fruit fell from the truck,
I didn’t adequately duck,
and so was splattered with its muck.
My hungry hens began to cluck.
The honey bees began to suck.
They made a meal of former yuck!

https://dversepoets.com/quadrille/yuck

The Honeymoon’s Over

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Judy just jabbed Joe’s jingling jodphurs.
“Jeez!” Joe jumped jerkily—justifiably jittery.
“Just joking, Joe!” Judy jabbered jejunely.
Joe’s joyless judgment jarred Judy’s jubilation.
Joyful June joint junket just jinxed!
Jumpin’ jiminy— Joe just jettisoned Judy!

For the six-word story prompt, the letter “J.” The assignment was to write a six word story using only the letter “j” to begin each word.  I expanded the assignment to six six-word lines.

 

Cheap Falls Are a Stunning Solution!

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Cheap Falls Are a Stunning Solution!

She was a parachutist and an avid mountaineer
whereas he viewed such pastimes with a great amount of fear.
Yet, he was so enamored that he issued a proposal, 
using every single cent he had at his disposal 
to buy her an engagement ring, to which she answered “Yes!”
The agenda for their honeymoon? I’m guessing you can guess.
Only Nepal would suit the bride.
There they’d hire a sherpa guide
to climb Mt. Everest and then
parachute back down again!

The groom’s objections were double-fold.
The first was that he was not bold
enough to scale this mountain lest
he meet his end on Everest!
Plus, he had neither credit nor cash
to finance both a wedding bash
and an expensive wedding trip!
He’d spent his stash all on the ring,
not budgeting for everything.

To console himself, he took a nip
and then another little sip
until, too late, he’d had enough.
He found rising a little tough
and navigating down the hall?
He had no skill at it at all.
And so, a few yards from the keg?
I fear he fell and broke a leg!
Nonetheless, the wedding went through.
She said “I will.” He said “I do.”

They honeymooned at Niagara Falls
which cost less money, required fewer balls.
He kept her busy with hugs and kisses,
Giving thanks for two close misses.
Though his cast both cramped and itched,
He never complained, never bitched.
The drinking bout that caused his fall
was the greatest luck of all.
He blessed that final stiff ablution.
Two cheap falls? Stunning solution!!!

The prompt words today are fall, cheap, stunning and solution. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/rdp-saturday-fall/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/29/fowc-with-fandango-cheap/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/stunning/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/daily-addictions-2018-week-38/solution

The Jerk

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jdb photo

The Jerk

He tended to overreact,
the truth to overly compact.
When he was touched, to be exact,
he swore that he’d been soundly whacked.

When his employer  surveyed his work
and claimed that he was prone to shirk
his labors, he was known to smirk
and say his boss was just a jerk.

He was, in short, a royal mess,
much given to his own duress.
A cavity, I must confess,
in his words became an abscess.

Often, truth he would imbue,
and he was rumored to pursue
wages that were not his due,
threatening that he’d surely sue.

His fellow workers made a pact
to somehow get this fellow sacked.
Their plot was detailed and exact.
They wanted no more of his act.

Surely, revenge was overdue.
He hid out in the john, they knew,
so as the jerk approached the loo,
they primed the seat with Super Glue.

It’s true, they heard his sounds of stress
coming from that small recess
where he had chosen to undress
in order that he then might press

His ample bottom to the seat
of his favorite retreat.
They heard his loud resounding bleat,
the pounding of his booted feet

upon the metal, well-locked stall,
his futile poundings on the wall,
but they heeded not his call.
Did he distress them? Not at all.

Much later, he was seen to pass,
a ring attached to his bare ass.
The doctor must have thought it crass.
So did the pretty little lass

who was his nurse, who’d often guessed
he imagined her in states undressed
as she passed this macho pest;
and, if you cannot guess  the rest:

as she raised the needle, gleefully aimed
at ample butt, so red and maimed
and yet so elegantly framed,
she gave witness as the beast was tamed—

and the frequent shamer was finally shamed.

 

The prompt words today are smirk, compact, duress and pursue. Here are the links to the bogs that gave them: (Disclaimer: The photo above was used for illustrative purposes only. The man photographed is actually the opposite of a jerk.)

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/rdp-friday-smirk/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/21/fowc-with-fandango-compact/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/duress/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/daily-addictions-2018-week-37/ pursue