Category Archives: Humor

Culinary Differences (Coping with an Artistic Palate)

Culinary Differences
(Coping with an Artistic Palate)

I’ll admit that I’m perplexed
for my spouse is sorely vexed
because he finds my menus bland
and untouched by artistic hand.

He finds my soup so pale and thin, it
needs a bit of color in it,
so I asked him how to do
more pleasing palettes for my stew.

He painted me a portrait of
a consommé he said he’d love
with so many veggies in it
and a ruby wine to thin it.

He’d like to wrap his mouth around
colors that are more profound.
to the point where I’m perplexed
over what I should cook next.

My color combination tends
towards browns and whites of various blends. 
Might I aspire to red and yellow,
with pickled beets in lemon Jell-o?

He says my taste in food is static
whereas his is more erratic.
But, tired of his bitch and moan,
perhaps I’ll let him cook his own.

Alternate ending:  (don’t read this one, Sam)

He suggests a novel dish
of tomato aspic around fish?
The thought of it makes my lips pucker.
Perhaps I’ll just divorce the -ucker!!!

 

Prompts today are red and yellow, pickle, perplexed, aspire, mouth, portrait and erratic. All of the images are from Unsplash.

Detente in the Animal Kingdom

Detente in the Animal Kingdom

The queen of hippopatamuses feels a bit perplexed
for she crossed the hyenas and now she has been hexed.
They’ve jinxed her favorite swimming hole so she has to swim
in a muddy tiny pond with crocs around the rim.

When she lumbers from the pond to have her usual binge
on grass, her favorite supper, she feels a little twinge.
It seems like in the puddle where she most recently sat,
waddling through the bottom mud, dragging all her fat,

she must have nudged a bit too close to a crocodile
and snagged a bit of hippo fat on his croco-smile.
He’s swinging there behind her, his tooth hooked on her tush,
creating  a great disarray while crashing through the bush.

With her competing waddle, they’re an ecological threat,
destroying all the underbrush as they thrash and vet.
How will they resolve this problem that they cause?
First it’s necessary that they cool down and pause

to make peace with the hyenas so they can use their claws
to disentangle hippo skin from the croc’s sharp jaws,
thus restoring order and reinstating peace
so all this inter-species angst finally will cease!!!

Prompt words today are jinx, swing, perplexed,disarray, compete, twinge and hippopatamus. Image by J. Anders on Unsplash.

Defences Make Good Neighbors

Defences Make Good Neighbors

My neighbor is gregarious but I never talk back,
although I feel I’ll detonate for rejoinders I lack.
They all swell up inside me because they come too late
to be used against her in a retaliatory debate.

If only I’d known what to say before it was too dated,
but alas, past tirades can’t be rejuvenated. 
Her face and clothes are scrumptious, but her view of life is black.
She sees the worst in people, and it turn they see it back.

Every time I look at her, no matter how I try,
I only see a personage that I want to pass by.
So all her earthly beauty, her jewels and her clothing
cannot compensate for a world of mutual loathing.

Prompts for today are rejuvenate, before, scrumptious, detonate, look, black and gregarious. Image by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash.

My apologies to Robert Frost for parodying his last line of “Mending Wall.” (Good fences make good neighbors.)  Actually, eight years ago I wrote a parody of his poem as well. HERE it is if you aren’t already tired of the topic.

Perfectionist Poet

Perfectionist Poet

How I love an audience to witness my successes,
although I think much less of them when they witness my messes—
fingers marked by fountain pens, hair pulled into peaks
by those elusive phrases that my wild mind seeks.

Please don’t view me in the market when I don’t mean to be seen.
When I’ve had no time to arrange thoughts —no time to plot and preen.
There are certain safeguards  that I like to take
that are not in place yet when I’m barely awake.

So don’t observe me in the morning when I’m not in my full glory,
when my brain is tongue-tied and my thoughts are sparse and gory.
It’s my fervid wish to please, but morning thoughts are frugal.
My images are less like Frost and much more like Brueghal.

So, please come to my readings to see me at my best,
but avoid me in my daily life, please, at my behest.
I prefer you view me with every word in place
there upon the stage and with makeup on my face!!!

 

Prompt words today are audience, market, safeguard, fervid, glory, fountain pen, frugal. Image by John Tyson on Unsplash.

If Truth Were Told

If Truth Were Told

I’d call you oxymoron, but the pun is just too corny,
so I will simply say that you’re as dumb as you are horny.
You’d be Barney Fife’s apprentice if they rated you on brains—
your lantern of enlightenment extinguished by life’s rains.

Your logic is so flimsy that you’re little more than beast.
Left is right, in is out, up’s down and west is east.
When we try to help you, you see reason as assault.
The world is out to get you and nothing is your fault.

Everyone we know says that we should abandon you,
let you reap what you have sown and cook in your own stew,
but we cannot do it. We’re with you to the end,
because for a lifetime, we have called you friend.

Prompt words are lantern, apprentice, flimsy, east, oxymoron and assault.
The goofus in this photo has given permission to use it. None of the other descriptions apply to him, however. (Face by Forgottenman)

Old Bones on a Long Hike

Old Bones on a Long Hike

Traipsing along under vanilla skies,
the splatters of rain came as little surprise.

Then the spray of the sea salt blew into my eyes,
providing my tears a means of disguise.

Climbing the hillside, away from the surf,
my ancient legs struggled with the rough turf.

Once I tripped lightly whereas now I trod
with difficulty over each giant clod.

But then a companion looks down from the view
and points out it’s wild ginger we’re struggling through.

Regaining my humor, I start to have fun,
always a sucker for a corny pun,

for without a clue and with no way of knowing,
I’ve been gingerly coming and gingerly going.

 

For the dVerse Poets prompt, we were given a list of spices and asked to include at least three in our poem. I couldn’t find a picture of me hiking lately (for good reason) but could only find this photo of me in my twenties, perhaps imagining how I’d be fifty years from now ????

Familial One-upmanship

Familial One-upmanship

My brother has a reputation for excessive lingering.
I think he has advanced degrees in mooching and malingering.

The black sheep of the family, the brunt of all our jokes,
at forty-three he still receives an allowance from our folks.

He ruins family dinners by being loud and brash.
His favorite interactions end up in a clash.

Discussing brands of vodka or motor cars or fashions,
he’s bound to expound at great length about his latest passions.

His family is his outlet for letting off his steam.
His exquisite taste in clothing dissected seam-by-seam.

We get no word in edgewise when conversing with this brother,
so when choosing a table mate, I veer toward any other.

There’s one in every family, it’s true right down the line,
but if you’ve one you’d like to trade, I’d gladly trade you mine.

Prompt words today are discuss, outlet, malinger, clashes, brash,allowance, exquisite and vodka(I took this picture but it is not my family.  I took it at a town reunion years ago and it is used for illustrative purposes only. I don’t have any brothers, so the guy  in the poem is fictional, but you might recognize him anyway.)

Cautionary Tale

Cautionary Tale

Before a flower you chance to pick,
pick a flower without  bees.
Bees sting painfully and so quick.
So, quick, you need to get the wound
wound tightly to dispel the pain.
Pain  you’d never have felt if only,
only you had looked before.

For the Murisopsis My Name Scavenger Hunt prompt–A Daisy Chain Poem

In Life Not as in Art

In Life, Not as in Art

Those who have a fondness for surreal modern art
might often hitch their horses behind their apple cart.
Which might lead to dropping apples up and down the road.
Which, of course, will lead to losing half your load.
So, if Pablo Picasso is your aesthetic saint,
My advice for beginners? Don’t practice what you paint.

Prompts for today are cart, beginner, fondness, abstract, drop, modern . Image is Picasso’s la fenêtre ouverte.

Stick-in-the-Muds

Stick-in-the-Muds

Obtuse folks with fondness for traditions of the past
consider a rendition that has a modern cast
as an indication that culture will not last,
confining their appreciation to their yesterdays,
designating mod designs as just another craze.
They sink into their easy chairs to mouth a loud “Ahem!”
not realizing  that their folks thought just the same of them.

Prompts for today are design, culture, fondness, obtuse, sink, rendition and indicative. IIlustration by Tim Kilby on Unsplash