Category Archives: Uncategorized

Lost Person (Later, Gathers Her Own Reward) Day 9, NaPoWriMo

Lost Person
(Later, Gathers Her Own Reward)

She is lost in her home town.
She lives there like a tourist.
Things she sees every day
still don’t look familiar.
Everyone there finds her odd
and she goes into their houses
as though they are foreign countries.

Some of us find the world
in the places where we were born.
Some of us can find no place there at all
except in retrospect.

We write books about these lost places
as though we knew what they were all about;
as though just by living there, we understood that place.
Actually, by writing about them we visit them again
and feel as much a stranger as we did before.
That is how we can stand to write about them.
They become the exotic other lands we’ve traveled to.
Misfortune becomes the best part of the story;
and we, at last, are grateful for it.

It’s finished! Please join Tony and Judy for their book launch

3-5 p.m., Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Viva Mexico Restaurant

San Juan Cosala

It is a block and a half west of the plaza on Porfirio Diaz street, the street that runs below the plaza. If you turn left off the carretera on one of the streets that runs by the front or the back side of the church and take the first right, you will be on the street that runs along the lower side of the plaza—the side closest to the lake.  Go a block and a half and look for the building on the right with the portraits of hundreds of happy customers interspersed with other townspeople.  That’s Viva Mexico!!!!

Loss before Death

Judy’s Note: This story of loss was sent to me via email with the request that I post it on the blog:

“One person provided me with many losses and no immediate death. When

death did come years later, I was not told and so I lost again. Then
there was no grave and I lost a chance again to find some kind of peace.
It took me five years to, not only get over the death, but to get over
asking all the “why” questions.

My father left when I was 13. I lost all chance of having a complete
family. I had uncomfortable and disturbing encounters off and on after that.

When he died no one told me for a year, and I lost the chance to say
hello and goodbye. He instructed people to tell no one he died.

There was no grave, he was not buried and I don’t know what happened to
his ashes. I lost the chance to pour out my emotions somewhere.

I spent 5 confusing years asking a lot of why?? questions, until one day
someone told me I’d never know and that finally helped me to heal.

The real healing began and ended when I was able to forgive him.”

Violet

Different types of Loss

Okay.  I’ve hinted and I’ve come right out and asked, so I’m going to use another tactic.  I would really like to hear some thoughts about types of loss other than death.  I know so many people who have moved to be nearer parents who have Alzheimer’s or who need more care.  They give up their lives, friends, houses to do so.  This is a huge loss even before the eventual loss of their parents.  Any thoughts?  I went to visit my sister who was at the stage of Alzheimer’s where it was becoming obvious to all of us that she would soon need to move into a care facility.  It was heartbreaking but also a very intimate time together with a sister who was 11 years older than me and so who had always thought of herself more as my “boss” than my sister–in my eyes, as well.  We had been a bit estranged for years, so this chance to be with her for a few weeks was both very special and very hard at times.  I’m printing a poem I wrote about the experience, hoping it will prime the pump for other peoples’ memories.  Please share them.  –Judy

I will be the first.  This is a poem I wrote while I was at my sister’s house. She is now in a managed care facility which is very hard for her.  She keeps thinking she is in a hotel or back in college or even back in our home town in South Dakota.  One thing is constant.  She keeps wanting to go home.  This was written during my last visit with her before she had to move.

When My Sister Plays the Piano

The first notes, beautiful and true, float like a memory up the stairs.
In the week I’ve been here in her house with her, she has not played the piano
and so I thought her music was gone like her memory of what day it is
or whether I am her sister, her daughter or an unknown visitor.

Yet on this morning after her 76th birthday celebration,
music slips like magic from the keys: song after song
from “Fur Elise” to a sweet ballad I don’t know the name of—
sure and correct at first,
then with a heartfelt emotion we had both forgotten.

“Midnight Concerto,”
“Sunrise, Sunset”—
song after song
expressed
in an unfaltering language—
some synchronicity of mind and hand
her brain has opened the door to.

While I listen, time stands still for me
as it has for her so often in the past few years
as yesterday and today shuffle together to
crowd out all consideration of future fears.

For ten minutes or more, she segues
from melody to melody
with no wrong note.
Then “Deep Velvet,”
a song she has played from memory
so many times,
dies after twenty-four notes.
Like a gift held out and snatched away,
I yearn for it, pray she’ll remember.

After an uncharted caesura, her music streams out again,
sweet and sure, for a staff or two—
the sheet music giving her a guide her brain so often can’t.
But after a longer pause, I know it is lost
like the thread of so many conversations.
A hiccup of memory, folding itself away.

“Come And Worship” chimes out
like the tolling of a bell.
The wisp of the old hymn, two phrases only—
before it, too, fades.

That sudden muffled sound.
Is it a songbook displaced from its stand as she searches for another;
or the lid of the piano, quietly closing on yet another partial memory?

A Day with Nothing that Needs to be Done!!!!

Coversational grouping that makes the "new" desk/studio area possible.

Conversational grouping that makes the “new” desk/studio area possible.

"The" chair and my work area

“The” chair and my work area

The view from my "new" work table chair. Looks like Frida sneaked into the picture as well!

The view from my “new” work table chair. Looks like Frida sneaked into the picture as well!

Thunbergia blossomsThunbergia blossoms

Today I woke up at 7 to Frida’s gentle nudge of my hand that was hanging over the side of the bed. I let her out, then woke up again sometime before 9 to let Diego out and to feed them both. Birdie the cat met us at the door.  She is the most polite so got fed last.

For three years, I’ve been living with a heavy balloon of guilt over my head.  If I wasn’t working on the book, I felt I should have been—so any carefree moments have felt stolen, not taken.  Today, however, I’ve chosen to do what I want to do all day long.

This is a lesson that Mexico has been teaching me.  You can’t delay the good moments, because tomorrow you may not be here.  Do it now.  Mañana means either this morning, tomorrow or sometime in the future. You get to decide when it is.  So, esta mañana, I woke up, had my smoothie and decided to try to make my house more comfortable according to what I want to do in it.

A year or two ago, I came to an interesting insight about my house—one you would think I would have done something about a long time ago; but you know, we get busy.  We overlook.  We make excuses.  So it was that I, whose pet “house peeve” is unused spaces, had for years rarely made use of the largest space in my house—my living room.

This was the room I had expended the most time and energy in putting together, yet I used it only when company was here. My time alone was spent in the art studio below or in my bedroom where my computer setup was. Guests had described my sala (living room) as comfortable, colorful and inviting, yet to me it was a room made sad by disuse.

Then, in a flash of inspiration, I thought of a solution: a six-foot-long, one-and-a-half foot deep workbench on wheels, built out of a beautiful light wood, to put in the living room! I merely moved the couch out into the room into a more intimate arrangement with the other couch and the TV and put my workbench in front of the sliding-glass doors to the terrace. It has a matching two-foot-wide stack of drawers that are usually stowed under the table but, because they are on wheels, can also be moved out to use as an additional horizontal surface and/or to make room for another person at the work station. In the drawers are tools, paints, jewelry findings, glue and other art supplies.  One drawer is devoted to computer and writing supplies.  A huge slide-action commercial paper cutter sits to one side, made beautiful by means of a colorful Lacandon basket, candles and a plant that also serve to soften the effect of the blade and ruler. My laptop is in front of me, my printer sits to the side, a pull-out breadboard-like surface pulls out of the top of my drawer stack to support another laptop if I need it for research.

It is actually a perfect work environment, and I now let whole days and weeks go by without entering my studio or unpiling the chair that sits in front of my desk in the bedroom.  This “new” workspace is where I’m sitting now. My view is of the lake, Colima volcano, two dogs stretched out on the patio, lots of green plants and a small kidney-shaped pool and hot tub now littered with the flowers and leaves of the Virginia creeper, bougainvillea and thunbergia vines blown by an unseasonable wind.

For the past few years, there has been an extra big chair no one ever sat in standing between the part of this room used as a dining room and the part used as a living room. It was a solitary chair, built too high to be of comfort for a lounger or reader or TV watcher; but It is a beautiful chair I couldn’t bear to part with and there was no other place in the house to put it—or so I thought.

Today, I moved that chair to my work station and it is now my work chair.  I moved other objects into its place—a dining room chair, a pedestal with a sculpture on it—and then went on to rearrange three other areas of the room (including the drawers in my work bench) to make them less cluttered and more functional.  I’ve spent all day doing this, but now the room feels right.  I’m sitting in the chair now, giving it the respect it has never had since I first had it made.  I put it on a Oaxacan rug so its metal feet don’t scratch the tile. I can put my feet up on the wooden rail at the back of the worktable and it no longer matters that the chair is too high. With a pillow at my back, it seems to be made for this task.  I feel happy.  I love objects that are both utilitarian and beautiful, and this chair now meets both criteria for the first time in its life.

Semana Santa (the week leading up to and including Easter) is a time when nearly everyone in Mexico takes a week-long vacation to either the seashore or a lake—and around here, the lake they go to is Lake Chapala, where I live. I can hear the sounds of Semana Santa all around me: a boombox somewhere far away, more cars driving down my street at a faster pace than usual, the voices of big families celebrating together all day and all night long, the Nazi wail of a siren announcing some church procession or visiting Virgin, dogs strange to the neighborhood barking, barking, egged-on by revelers; but not my dogs, at least—so I have no responsibility to scold.

It is so satisfactory that I have been able to spend the entire day making my home more livable without having to experience any feelings of guilt.  I was slightly depressed yesterday, but I think today I’ve found the cure.  Yes, do what you should do and must do, but remember also to do what you want to do!!

Call for Your Stories!!!!

I received a very honest email from a friend today.  She was talking about the death of her mother which occurred over 50 years ago.  I hope to publish it on this site, as soon as she lets me know how she wants it posted.  I hope others write their stories as well.

Today I went to my women’s writing group.  It is amazing how many fine writers there are at lakeside.  I read another piece about growing up in my hometown of Murdo, South Dakota.  Perhaps one day I’ll have another book on that topic.  Perhaps, in fact, I’ll ask for people’s stories from that tiny town.  I guess all of our memoirs are written, in part, from a place of loss.  Even painful memories carry with them a sense of nostalgia.  What do you think about this?  I don’t want to write into empty air.  Please give me your thoughts on this statement!  Wind coming up.  i’m getting sleepy.  It’s been a long day but too early to go to bed. Is anyone else present out there? I promise to match you story for story.   Judy

Update – My friend has graciously allowed me to post what she wrote:

How I coped with Mom’s death:
I was eleven years old, and I didn’t cope well when it happened.  Back then, there were no grief counselors.  Dad made us go up to the graveyard in the long, hot months after her interrment.  He would fall to his knees on her grave and cry.  It was awful. Embarrassing.  Plus, I thought about what was happening to her underground, and it made me so sick.  I got so I didn’t cry. People were nosy in our small town.  “How are you coming along out there, all by yourselves?” old people often asked me on the street, and I’d say just fine, just fine. The only positive thing I did for myself was in my making a vow to Mom that I’d somehow make her proud.  This vow stopped me from being totally wild when I was in high school, from going “too far” with just any guy, and it made me want to make A’s.  Yes, A’s would convince me that I was good enough to please my mother who wert in heaven. When I got engaged at age 16 I “went too far.”  Afterwards, I would cry and cry in my boyfriend’s arms, just so sad for me that I was a motherless child.  My boyfriend hated it.  He couldn’t get me to stop crying. All my life I have dealt with handling her death.  I got so greedy to have any little snip from her life, but started with that too late.  By the time I was no longer embarrassed to ask people what they remembered of mom, most of them were dead.  I asked Dad for her writing.  He said, “I got rid of it.  It made me too sad.”  He probably got rid of it because he married a year or so after Mom’s death. I have a little box of her things, such a little box.  Sometimes I hold a scrap of paper she’s written on to my nose, as if I can smell her into being. I have bonded with females, I think always wanting a mother.  None quite works.  I am still in grief when I read a wonderful book and think, oh!  Mom would just love this.  I envision calling her on the phone and sharing.  She’d love her grandkids and they’d love her.  I can’t even think long about this.  My daughter Carolyn named after Mom has built a shrine to Mom in her house that includes many of Mom’s pictures.  A beautiful face with bright, intelligent eyes.  I’m still grieving, aren’t I?  And yes, I’ve had counseling, and the grief stays pretty raw despite all those good words.  —Carolyn O’Neal

What I did for the rest of the night, the night I FINISHED THE BOOK!!!!!

I’m sitting at my desk listening to Duckie sing and play Mike Nesmith’s “Propinquity” on the guitar. (I love that song.)  He’s in Missouri.  I’m in San Juan Cosala, Mexico on the shores of Lake Chapala.  The wind is down tonight, both dogs are curled up in their private places and I’ve just finished what I hope are the last changes to the pdf file the printer will print the final run from.  I may be finished with this book.  Tony, we are this close!!!!! Duckie and I have known each other for 2 3/4 years or some part thereof.  We met online and clicked and we spend about 3 months a year in each other’s company.  We talk almost every day. He sings and plays the guitar for me and gives good advice on periods, commas, vocabulary and life in general. And, he has the best music in my world!!!  Duckie is one of the nice things that have  come about from my following my own advice in this book––before it was ever finished. I hope you’ll share your own successes. This is not going to be a gloomy site!  Yes, we talk about everything–the saddest of things, sometimes–but the purpose is to raise us out of the lows of life, no matter how slowly, and to teach each other how to keep growing our lives.  We are never finished!!!  Judy

I’ve just sent the book I’ve been working on for 12 years to the printer!!!!

Lessons from a Grief Diary: Rebuilding Your Life after the Death of a Loved One

   1 Master embossed -cream big & little spine copy copy

Lessons from a Grief Diary: Rebuilding Your Life after the Death of a Loved One

a new book by:

Judy Dykstra-Brown and Anthony Moriarty, Ph.D.

 A widow’s grief diary chronicling the illness and death of her husband as well as the process of her recovery from grief over the next eight years is analyzed in alternating chapters by a psychologist. Includes methods of overcoming grief, suggested further reading and ending notes that summarize main points of the book.

—Available on Amazon, Kindle and in Barnes and Noble Bookstores.  In Mexico, sold at Diane Pearl Colecciones and jose Melendrez in Ajijic, MX.

What I’m doing here—

When my husband and I bought a house in Mexico in 2001, little did we know I would be moving into it without him. Three days before we were due to begin our journey, we discovered he had pancreatic cancer. He lived for three weeks. That is how, 2 months later, I came to be lying on an air mattress in an empty house in a country where I knew neither a soul nor the language. This blog will be about grief. How it expresses itself, how I responded to it and how I came to realize that it is a powerful agent for growth and change. This is how life is set up. We will all face death over and over in our lives. If you need a companion in dealing with this surprising, astonishing, earth-shaking event in your life, here I am!