Category Archives: Loss

Ghosts

Ghosts

It floated off to the side,
disappearing when I turned to face it head-on.
It hadn’t his features, really,
but I felt his presence a dozen times after—
something floating just off the corner of reality.

Then, weeks later, in the bedroom—a bat.
It flickered against the white curtain and then disappeared.
Moments later, there it was again.
I jerked my head quickly around, flipped the curtain out,
examined its other side.
Moments later, there it was again.
Then a circle floated across to join it.
A hair floated down from above and stuck, center-vision.

A few hours later, the fireworks started—
flashing corollas of light just to the right of me,
like subtle flashbulbs going off.

This was when I decided I needed to see a specialist.
Yes, a retinal detachment, he agreed,
but not yet perforated.
Now, my movements curtailed,
I await that new cloudy ghost
that will be a harbinger
of surgery.

Every tope, every cobblestone
brings a new flash of light—
a signal to still myself.
No jumping. No Zumba.
No jogging. No lifting.

I wait, inactive, watching floaters
move to the center of my vision
and off to the side again.
I practice various levels of exertion,
waiting for the flash that signals rest.

I wait for words to float
across my vision,
to rend my inactivity
and prompt me
to pin them to the page––
to stitch them together
into a clearer sight
of what is there, invisible,
inside me, waiting for the tear
to let it out.
They are the ghosts
of the future
and I am the one
who seeks to gather them,
to mend the tear
and anchor
these slippery ghosts.

As we sat in the waiting room waiting (of course) for my eyes to fully dilate so the dr could do his tests, Gloria asked what the red dot was on my blouse. I hadn't noticed it, but the nurse said, "Oh we put that on her to show she'd been dilated!"  Two hours later, I was still waiting for the dot to turn green so I'd know my eyes had returned to normal!!!!

As we sat in the waiting room waiting (of course) for my eyes to fully dilate so the dr could do his tests, Gloria asked what the red dot was on my blouse. I hadn’t noticed it, but the nurse said, “Oh we put that on her to show she’d been dilated!” Two hours later, I was still waiting for the dot to turn green so I’d know my eyes had returned to normal!!!!

Red Dot Syndrome

Red Dot Syndrome

Artist's rendering of my retinal disfunction.

Artist’s rendering of my retinal disfunction.

Gloria, contemplating my fate.

Gloria, contemplating my fate.

Retina specialist humor.

Retina specialist humor.

An undashing pirate wench

An undashing pirate wench

My reward!!! Gloria got to share.

My reward!!! Gloria got to share.

A Special Start to My Day

When I came into the kitchen to make our smoothies this morning, I noticed there was a candle burning next to the virgin of Guadalupe statue on the island divider between my kitchen and dining room.  I didn’t say anything about it, but later, Yolanda said, “I lit a candle for your mother today.”  Today is mother’s day in Mexico.  So sweet.  I went and got a pic of my mom to put next to it. This is one of the things I would miss so much if I ever left Mexico.  What would replace this special sweetness in the States?  My life is so enriched by it.

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Lassitude, Guilty Pleasures, Solitude and TV in the afternoon!

Am I weak?  Undisciplined?  The minute the NaPoWriMo whip was removed, I sank into lassitude and solitude again and haven’t posted on this blog.  The truth is that I’m absolutely exhausted, both physically and mentally.  The blade of “the book” has been hanging over me for so long that I think now that it is removed that I crave actual retirement for a few days or weeks or months.  Of course, this isn’t possible.  Tony and I are giving a talk about the book tomorrow and have another talk scheduled in June. I have 4 more rhymed children’s books I need to find an illustrator for and I need to promote the “Grief Lessons” book. (If you have any ideas, please share them.)  I have another book I want to get on Kindle and Amazon and although that should be easy as it is already in print, it means combing old computers to find the Word file and actually meeting with Tony to figure out the process by which he put Grief Diary on Amazon.  It takes a very little effort, but I feel laaaaaaazy and have people coming for Mexican Train and pizza tonight and need to get in gear for that soon.  So, I’m going to shirk life’s responsibilities for another few hours and watch episode 13 of “The Americans” and pretend for a few more hours that I am really retired.  Please don’t give up on me.  I like connecting with you all in this way—both those I know and those I will know.  I enjoy seeing who has linked and some day I’ll figure out how to link with you or follow you.  In addition, I will figure out whether those are one and the same thing.  New to blogging, not new to life!

Question of the day:  Did anyone else out there ever make Maybaskets and fill them with candy and leave them on friends’ doorsteps on May 1?  You’d ring the doorbell and run.  If they caught you,Imagethey could pinch you or kiss you.   Pictured is a maybasket I made from shredded Kozo paper.  The flower is made from cardboard egg cartons cut up, glued and painted.  The candy was yummy.  I know because I couldn’t deliver this one on May 1 and ended up eating all the candy and had to go candy shopping again yesterday, when I gave this to my friend.  More secrets revealed!!  oxoxox Judy

Time Temporal (Final Day––Day 30––Of NaPoWriMo)

The prompt on this last day of National Poetry Month is to find a shortish poem that you like, and rewrite each line, replacing each word (or as many words as you can) with words that mean the opposite. I chose Sonnet 18 by Shakespeare.

Time Temporal

by Judy Dykstra-Brown

Shall I contrast thee to a winter’s night?
Thou art less lovely and more tempestuous.
No wind disturbs November’s empty stalks,
Oe’r which the winter hath too long a power.
Sometimes the too-cold moon lies sheathed in clouds.
And rarely does its pitted face shine forth.
Yet light from dark may rise. We’re proof of that,
Spurred on by fate or providence’s  plan.
But thy short winter soon shall pass away,
Restore to thee the homeliness of death.
Nor shall that birth that brought you forth to light
Still claim thee when time curtains you with night.
As men lose breath and eyes  give up their sight,
So dies this poem, and you echo its plight.

Sonnet 18

by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Yellow (Day 28 of NaPoWriMo)

Day 28 The prompt today was to write a poem about a color.

Yellow

You were so red, so white.
So much of you was blue.
Yellow is what I missed in you—
that brilliant optimism—
that power of the sun.
There was that black in you
that cancelled it out.
You were the artist who understood color the most.
That color created by the union of yellow and black, you knew.

Your white hair, confined in a pony tail
or streaming down your back
in your wild man look
prompted strangers to ask
if you were a shaman,
or declare you to be one.

That red that flamed out from your work,
subtly put there even in places where it had no
logical purpose for being.
That red tried to make things right.

All of us who knew you
knew the blue.
It was the background color of all of your days.
It was the blanket in which we wrapped ourselves at night,
trying to be close,
but always always divided
by blue.

For fifteen years,
I believed that one day I’d bring you to yellow.
There were splashes of it, surely,
throughout our lives together.
You on the stage, reading your heart,
me in the audience, recognizing
all the colors from within you—even yellow.

Finding the pictures you had taken of me
at the art show, looking at your work—
those pictures taken even before we ever met.
I discovered, after you’d passed,
that you had recognized
me even then, when I thought
I was the only one
angling for a meeting—
sure of my need to know those secret parts of you
that I will never know
now that you have given yourself
to the black
or blue
or red
or even to the white.

Whatever your ever after
has delivered you to.

A new life later,
I am suffused
by my own canvas
of memories of you—
every other pigment
splashed against
a vivid background
of yellow.

Dining Alone at the Maria Bonita Restaurant Bar (Day 18 of NaPoWriMo)

The Prompt today was to write a poem that begins and ends with the same word.

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“Dining Alone at the Maria Bonita Restaurant Bar”

Smoldering.

Señor Garcia is smoking today.
Below him,
Maria Phoenix lies on satin sheets
on the wall of Maria Bonita Restaurant Bar.

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It is a small palapa restaurant––soft orange front with
hot pink trim–– that I’ve driven by hundreds of times before;
and every time, I’ve wanted to come in, but haven’t.
Now today, suddenly,
I don’t want to go home
and so my car turns in across the carretera.

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I am the lone customer.
The cook and waiter
spring to action.
Totopos for him to bring,
a fire for her to light.
This is a fish restaurant
and I am a non-fish
eater, choosing between
quesadillas and beans
or a hamburger and fries.
Needless to say, I’m not here for the food.

I am here for the view and the limits
imposed by eating alone in an otherwise empty
restaurant/bar. I have a poem to write
and need the discipline imposed by a place
where there’s nothing else to do.
My only distraction is the view,
which forms the subject of my poem
and so is anything but a distraction.

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The smoke from a dozen fires
rises into the air from the entire eastern slope
of Mount Garcia across the lake.
Whether by accident or by the hand of farmers
lighting fires to clear last year’s stubble from the fields,
the effect is that this extinct volcano
has somehow come to life,
springing leaks.

Fanned by a recent wind, the smoke grows denser, rises higher.
Below the slopes, a patchwork quilt of strawberry and raspberry
fields, covered with plastic sheets,
spawn fruit for the tables of El Norte.

Maria, that other smoldering beauty, lies suspended all around me––
long canvas banners reflecting her screen loves and her roles.
She looks over one shoulder, wears a rebozo or a mariachi’s sombrero.
Cantinflas, that beloved clown, shares her wall but is never in a shot with her.
They are opposites: the sexual symbol and the comic. One raises tension
and the other seeks to dispel it.

Maria Phoenix

I am in between, a mere observer, I know.
In every case it’s likely that the fire has been lit by means unnatural,
but nonetheless, it ignites my imagination.
I am surrounded by it.
“Blue Bayou” plays on the sound system.
Sleepy eyes.
My eyes sting from the smoke
that has filtered toward me
from eight miles or so across the lake.
The tears in my eyes are from the smoke,
not from memories of the departed one
I used to come with to these fish restaurants.

They are not the place for gringos.
Word is out about the sanitation
or where the fish comes from
or who might be encountered here.
A few restaurants down, there was a cartel killing
just about a year ago––perhaps more, perhaps less.
At any rate, Americanos and Canadians are rarely found here.

Today, no one else is found here.
“There’s no exception to the rule”
plays on the sound system.
“Everybody plays the fool.”
Feeling a stranger in the place where I live
is a feeling pleasurable to me––
an emotion I do not feel foolish for pursuing.

The waiter, as though I’m a repeat customer,
brings an entire bucket of ice
and fills my glass each time he passes.
They have my brand of rum.

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I have always known this place could be my place.
The pleasure of knowing it to be so warms me
as much as the second jigger of rum.
Shall he pour it for me? Do I want it all?
Just half, I tell him, and fill the glass with Coke.
I like it weaker, so I can spread it out.
Like the fire.

Smoldering.

“Escape” Day 16 of NaPoWriMo

NaPoWriMo Day 16 Prompt: Write a “translation” of a poem written in a language you don’t actually know . . . (and try not to peek too much at the translation). Now, use the sound and shape of the words and lines to guide you, without worrying too much about whether your translation makes sense. (In my case, I didn’t look at all at the translation until after I’d written my poem. I wrote a translation of each line according to my intuition, then edited, trying to stay close to the original thread of the idea. My original was in Italian—a language I do not know.) Since I speak a bit of Spanish, there were three or four words whose meaning I could guess at, even though most of these guesses were found to be incorrect; nonetheless, they sped me on my way. I love getting to the part of my mind where something other than myself guides me, even though I hold the reins all the way–especially during the editing.

The poem I chose:

SPIAGGIA SETTEMBRE DEL ’64,  by Gabriele Frasca  (Link to that poem and its translation.)

The poem I wrote:

ESCAPE

Your life catches in its static house.
Nothing but the lightest footfall betrays its presence.
The door to the greatest house of all, the ocean’s edge,
tempts you to leave yourself and enter.
This echo of the ocean is the dove in you
that carries the message that you want to fly.
Motionless dove, I want to ride on your back
to the crack of sunrise—to its flower.
Forget your lone compulsions.
Leave your comfort.
Desert the logic that has frozen you.
If you could let this sick time pass,
you might grow less diverted as your distance from it grows.
Time’s ricochet might drive you to the canyon’s rim,
revealing to you that you no longer want to fall.
The stress of guilt slows down and if you choose to let it, falls behind.
Time will devour your past no matter how grand its scale––
revoke the sentence and set the guilty free.
You will pass and repass it on your round journey,
until your father, his wife, and your recalcitrance
finally wear away.

April 16, 2013, Judy Dykstra-Brown

Three Pantuns (Day 15 of NaPoWriMo)

Today’s assignment was the pantun, which consists of rhymed quatrains (abab), with 8-12 syllables per line. The first two lines of each quatrain aren’t meant to have a formal, logical link to the second two lines, although the two halves of each quatrain are supposed to have an imaginative or imagistic connection.

Here are three I dashed off quickly in an hour, after a too-busy day. It would be nice if there were room for poetry in every day, unfortunately that is not always so. NaPoWriMo gives us that additional shove to make some time for it, even if that time is very short.

She grows exasperated with his love.
See how his fingertips caress her face?
The hand that fits too tightly in the glove
Might chafe from the embrace of even lace.

The coat tossed idly over kitchen chair.
Inside the pocket is a diamond ring.
The branch outside the window stark and bare.
One tries in vain to pay the birds to sing.

The window that is your connection with the world,
when darkness falls, shows only you.
The author writes, his characters’ truths unfurled,
but it is he the readers view.

Confessions of a Retired Superheroine (Day 14, NaPoWriMo) (really dumb, I know, but at least I did the prompt!)

This is the prompt: “I challenge you to write a persona poem — that is, a poem in the voice of a particular person who isn’t you. But I’d like you to choose a very particular kind of person. How about a poem in the voice of a superhero (or a supervillain)?”

Confessions of a Retired Superheroine

What’s happening tomorrow?
the same thing that happens every Friday
since I was forced into retirement last year.
I’m going to go make my collections.

It will be my first day
off the diet
I’ve been on for a week––
and my leathers aren’t at all as close-fitting
as they were before,
so I deserve a small reward.

I’ve washed my hair—
Well, no surprise. I do every day.
A bit OCD on that activity,
but today I washed all of it.
Every inch.
Ears, too.

I can’t remember when I first thought
of the lucrative business
I’ve been opurrrrrrrating since my retirement;
but I do remember that tomorrow is the day
I go from door-to-door doing collections.

I usually dress in leathers,
which I look pretty good in for a mature sex-kitten.
No, not a biker chick.
I am more of a femme fatale
with a haunting and mesmerizing voice.
Everyone says it sends chills down their back–
a sort of backyard Les Mis.

My parking garage is six blocks away,
so I take a shortcut: leaping over walls,
soft-toeing it along the top edge of fences.

Sometimes I crouch in the bushes,
waiting for strangers to pass.
As I do, I sharpen my fingernails—
a weapon no one can take away from me.
Anyway, what good would a gun be
for a woman with no opposable thumbs?
Hey. Don’t feel sorry for me, okay?
I’m Puurrrrrfectly happy with my lot in life.
I’m puurrrrfect without them.

Sushi? Yes.
A trip to the beach? No.
Not unless there is raw fish involved
that I don’t have to catch myself!

I’m a night person.
I sleep for most of the day
and go out every night.

I am sexy, fit and nimble.
I fill out my leathers in all the right places.
I can jump to the ground from a rooftop,
land on my feet and be off before you see
any more of me than a shadow.
I am a thief by birth and inclination, and I
I pre”fur” my daily fare to be purrrrrrloined.

I can take swift revenge and kill mercilessly,
or curl up and enjoy
a long petting session,
as docile as you please.

Actually, I don’t know why I’m giving you this sales pitch.
I usually ignore people,
so when I actually notice them,
they are honored.

The diet? Well, low-protein, low carb and low fat.
That leaves nothing but grass, right?
And the problem with that is that everyone thinks you are sick
and so tries to trick you into a dose of this or that.
The cod liver oil isn’t bad,
but I’ve never developed a taste for Pepto Bismol.
My neighbor sneaked some into my cream a few months ago
and I gagged so hard I coughed up a hare-ball.
Just the nose and whiskers, actually, but it created a sensation, nonetheless.
I was at a party and no one was yet drunk enough
to take it in their stride.

Anyway, I’ve gotten distracted.
I’m just going to smooth my hair a bit
and then go to bed and get rested up
for tomorrow’s collections.

What kind of brilliant female was I to create a job for myself like this?

“Cat Woman Pest Disposal––You trap them, we collect them.”

I actually get paid for going from door to door,
collecting a course here and a course there.
No of course, no matter how hungry I am after my week’s fast,
I will not reward myself in my client’s presence.
I always wait until I get to my catmobile to have my first nibble.
After all, even a retired superheroine has to watch her image.

Interloper (Day 13 of NaPoWriMo)

The assignment today was to take a walk and to translate that experience into a poem. It was a very busy day and I didn’t get around to taking my walk until about an hour before sunset. I finally finished my poem at around 11 PM. An hour to spare! Takes the pressure off a bit. The lady I’m talking about who spreads her skirts under the extinct volcano known as Señor Garcia is Lake Chapala, the usually beautiful lake whose shores I have lived upon for twelve years. Ringed by the Sierra Madre mountains, she reclines in the heart of Mexico, about an hour from Guadalajara. It is a view of her from Tony’s porch that graces the cover of our book. When I moved here twelve years ago, they thought the lake would be completely dried up within five years due to low rainfall and three big dams further upstream which drew off most of the water. At that time, the sixty-mile long lake had shrunk to a point where it was actually necessary to take a taxi from the Chapala pier to get out to the water! It was at this time that I started to take my daily walks on a lakebed that was once under water. This land had sprouted a new civilization of herds of horses left to wander free, cattle, burros, wild dogs, flower nurseries, fishermen’s shacks, small palapa restaurants, huge thickets of willow trees and acres and acres of tall cattails. A few years later, when the lake filled up again, all of this was lost. Of course, it was fortunate that rains and legislation concerning water usage swelled the dying lake; so although I missed my old walking ground, I did not mourn it. Unfortunately, the lake is again in dire straits. It has once again shrunk, but this time it has left a wasteland of rocks, dead tree stumps and a beach littered with fresh water shells and abandoned graveyards of soda bottles. This was the first time I’d walked in my old walking grounds and it was a somewhat depressing experience that nonetheless contained some hopeful signs toward the end. I hope to include some pictures to accompany this piece.

Interloper

If you live long enough,
what others consider history
will become your life.

Twelve years ago,
I walked for hours every day
on this dry lake bottom,
in places the lake
a mile further out
from its usual banks.

Then, five years
from its supposed extinction,
the rains came.
The floodgates
of the dams upstream
opened as well
and the lake swelled to its former girth.

My old walking trails
through the cattails
and the willows
became suffused in a watery world.
Tree tops became the perches for egrets
scant inches above the waterline,
and the lake became once more
the private property
of homes and landowners who fronted
on the water.

But now, again,
the water has retreated,
and for the first time
in eleven years,
I am again walking
on what was once lake bottom.
I see for myself how this
venerable lady
who spreads her skirts under the mountain
known as Señor Garcia,
has done so in a curtsy,
before beating a hasty retreat.

Freshwater shells pave the dry silt.
Discarded soda bottles , moss-covered and corroded,
lie in a pile as though emptied like catch from a fisherman’s net.

Coots and grackles replace the white pelicans
who have circled over in their last goodbye
like other snowbirds heading north.
Sandpipers whistle their reedy pipes,
as if to rein in the small boy
who runs with a rag of kite
streaming out behind him,
creating his own wind.

A man in red shorts wades out
to a bright yellow boat,
lugging a five gallon gas container.

The kite pilot
and his two brothers,
as tattered as their kite,
walk past,
then circle as though I’m prey,
to sit behind me on an archipelago
of large stones
that form a Stonehenge
around the sheared-off skeletons of willows.

I wrote about these willows in their prime—
when the villagers had come to clear and burn them
eleven years ago,
not knowing they would not grow back.

What had been foremost in their prayers for years would soon happen.
The lake would rise
again to her former banks.

But now she once again
beats a hasty retreat,
leaving the stubs and skeletons
of trees revealed again.
It is a wasteland
stripped of
the life of water or of leaves.

“Rapido!” the boy in the green shirt
demands of his brother.
Their sister pulls the bones of the kite
from their plastic shroud.
Rags turn back to rags,
their flight over.

The brother in the black Wesley Snipes T Shirt
winds the coil of string as though it is valuable
and can’t be tangled or lost.

The sun is half an hour from setting.
“Be off the beach by nightfall,”
a man had warned me
as I set off for my walk.
He was a gringo,
yet still I am ready
to start back.
I remember the banks of blackbirds
that used to settle in clouds in the reeds—
acres and acres of cattails—
enough to get seriously lost in.
At sunset, the birds would lift in funnels
by the thousands–
a moving tornado of winged black
that moved as one.
But they are history, now.

La Sangerona—
that bright yellow boat
whose name translates
as “the annoying one”
does not disappoint.
Despite her fresh infusion of fuel,
she has to be pulled manually ashore.
She is like a princess
being towed
up the Nile.
She expends no energy
to further her own movement.

A red dog,
wet sand to his high tide mark,
settles politely in the sand beside me.
Like iron filings drawn to their pole,
the children gather closer.
They pull at the rocks
as though mining for worms—
prod at the packed sand,
casting eyes up, then away.
Curious but silent.

Now, all run away.
I am left with one grackle,
three sandpipers
and fourteen coots,
drawn out by the waves
and pushed back in,
over and over
in a lullaby.

As I climb to the malecon,
the sun dissolves
into the mountains
to the west.
Shadows of palms
are blown in a singular direction,
all pointing north.
Below them,
the skirts of lesser trees,
as low as bushes
but lush in their fullness,
toss with abandon,
as though this lower wind
did not know its own direction.
I have a hunch, go closer and examine.
I am rewarded.
They are willows,
swaying to obscure
a fresh stand of cattails,
once again beginning their
long march of dominance.
The water that was interloper
is history. And I am part of it.

Dry lakebed.  Once again revealed

Dry lakebed. Once again revealed   (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

Freshwater shells revealed by retreat of lake
Freshwater shells revealed by retreat of lake

new serpentine shoreline
new serpentine shoreline

bones of the old willows again revealed
bones of the old willows again revealed

closeup of freshwater shells

closeup of freshwater shellsFresh catch!Fresh catch!

DSC07734Creating a breeze

DSC07741The kite flyer

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palms point northwards in the sunset breeze

palms point northwards in the sunset breeze

The first surprise.  New willows!

The first surprise. New willows, and, below, cattails!!!

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A lake sunset
A lake sunset