Be Cause
I felt such a resistance to today’s prompt that I decided I probably should write about it to determine the reason why. The prompt was: “If your day to day responsibilities were taken care of and you could throw yourself completely behind a cause, what would it be?”
The truth is that I already have day to day responsibilities taken care of. I am single, retired, and live in Mexico where it’s possible to hire people to clean and do yard work; so there are really no responsibilities I have to do except the normal ones of hygiene, taxes and day-to-day life.
I have reached out with volunteer activities and do vote in every U.S. election, as difficult as this sometimes is, living in a foreign country. But as for “throwing myself behind a cause,” I’ve gotten to the stage of life where I balk a bit at this. What usually happens is that I get caught up in cause after cause and eventually start finding my life squeezed to the point where I resent not having enough time to devote to writing and art. Then I draw back, drop activities, and get back into a more hermit-like existence. After a while, I feel as though I’m sealing myself off from life too much and I emerge again to become too “busy” with scheduled activities that again squeeze out my other needs.
I’ve always had this problem with balance in my life. I don’t know how to do things simply, with no fuss. This is why projects and volunteer work tend to consume my life when I get involved. I’ve tried to remedy this by not volunteering for activities that require a rigidly scheduled demand on my time. After years of operating to a schedule of shows and exhibitions, this is just what I have to do to keep from feeling that panic of approaching deadlines that were my life for so many years. I volunteer at the information desk of a local cultural center, but only as a fill-in for those who need a substitute. At times this has led to weeks of volunteering, but it is still not an obligation I know I’m going to have to fulfill forever.
In like manner, I’ve suspended a weekly arts workshop I did last year at a girls’ orphanage. Here, the reason was not because I needed the time back (although I really felt I did) but because time after time I arrived to find they’d scheduled another activity without telling me and the time spent planning the projects, assembling materials and driving to the next town was all for naught. Since they did not answer phones, I couldn’t even call up to check myself. Then I realized these girls, as abused as they’d been, now had so many people volunteering to provide activities that they actually had more advantages than most of the kids in the village, so my efforts have turned toward helping in a summer camp for the most underprivileged kids in two villages this summer and continuing with little art workshops in the pueblo where I live. It isn’t much, but it is something that I can fit in with my own needs taken into account.
I taught school for ten years and although I have no children of my own, I’ve been involved with children, to varying degrees, my entire life. My husband had 4 small children when I married him and all of them came to stay or live with us for varying lengths of time during our 15-year relationship; but since he’d already had 10 children when we met, it was his desire to have no more. Although at the time I would have loved to have had children, I complied with his wishes; but I’ve thought since that perhaps the fact that I no longer can handle weekly scheduled volunteer activities reflects a selfishness that also contributed to my decision not to have children.
I have given up feeling guilt over this. We all do what we can do in this world in the manner that we can do it, and this is what makes us individuals. I do bit by bit, as it occurs, living my life and trying to be of benefit to others in situations as they occur naturally in my life. If someone asks, I help. If I see a need, I fill it, trying to leave room for my own needs as well.
In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Blogger With a Cause.”
lifelessons - a blog by Judy Dykstra-Brown 
Some of us aren’t good at doing things by half. Garry and I both share this problem, and we avoid “causes” at this point in our lives. We’ve marched, we’ve worked for causes and candidates and now — we really ARE retired. Except for an occasional post, I’m done with all of that. Time for the next generation or two to take up cudgels.
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I’ve only participated in four marches that I can remember in my life and three of those have been in Mexico over the past 10 years or so. Perhaps I’m living my life backwards.
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I think you need to replace the word “selfishness” with “self-awareness.” I’ve seen enough kids (and am one) who came from homes where the parents truly could not handle the responsibility that I think a person who is aware of that in themselves is a kind of hero. I’m struggling with the same problem — I want to be involved in my community a little; I would like to know people here, but when I’ve been obliged to actually and physically participate, I hate it. It weighs on my mind and disrupts my sleep. I think it’s because I’ve spent the last 35 years adapting to others, helping others, responding to the needs of others (students and bosses) that when I come up against a difficult personality (as I have already with one of the groups I’ve been in for a week and a half!) I just want to say, “Fuck it.” I’m also not good at protecting myself and my time from others — again, teaching is a giving profession and it’s hard to succeed if you give “moderately.” So…I’ve taken this as my challenge; to do these things without giving myself away. We’ll see.
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It is always reassuring to have the right people validate our thoughts and feelings. I, too, was a teacher. Don’t know if I mentioned that, but I came to realize I’d never fulfill my own writing goals if I continued to spend all my time helping others fulfill theirs. Although I loved teaching, I have never regretted quitting after ten years. We have an obligation to society but also to ourselves. Enjoy your privacy. Life is too short to spend it around difficult people.
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I agree — my plan is to serve out the time for which I’ve spent my dues but not be involved much. That’s a lesson for me that I need to learn; to let mean people be mean and to set and keep boundaries on my time and purse. It’s funny but I never imagined retiring from teaching. I never wanted to WANT to retire, but when the moment came it was a clear as day. And I’m so glad I did. 🙂
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It has been interesting to see your progress over the past year. The first time I read your blog you had just made the decision to go back to Colorado–then following you through the move back and adjustment. We all construct little reality shows of our own through our blogs.
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I can say for sure that without my Colorado or Bust blog that move would have been a LOT harder for me. I realized just now cutting the lawn that I just feel like the new kid in school because I AM the new kid in school. In the “gallery” that opened today there is a lot of beautiful stuff but my three paintings are the only “fine art” in there and they look very out of place. Yesterday when I went in for orientation and saw the work everyone did to set up the shop I also saw that my paintings look just like I feel. I am not used to the segregation between white and Latino as it exists here, either. It’s so strange to me…but I’ll adjust. It must have been a little (lot?) strange moving to Mexico for good.
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There was complete segregation in Santa Cruz, also. I had more hispanic friends in Cheyenne, Wyoming than in California! Many of my present Mexican friends lived in Santa Cruz when I did but we never met until we all came to Mexico.
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I guess I’ve mostly lived in very mixed neighborhoods — my last home in CA wasn’t that mixed until my Mexican neighbors moved in 3 years before we both moved away. We were family and I miss them very much (thank god for Facebook)…. In Denver I taught Mexicans so they were everywhere in my world. I feel more comfortable in “mixed company” than with just white people — I guess all those years of living in the barrio. I hope I find a way around it. I think where there are not enough Latinos to make a barrio everyone becomes friends. I’m not sure, but that’s my theory.
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All I can say is, very wise, Judy (and Martha, and Marilyn). I couldn’t do the Prompt — at 63, I feel a number of ardent shoulds — which are not the same as good fires! I’ve done a lot of things and a little bit of everything. I just want to be an 8 yr old, now. I help out if asked. Otherwise, day-to-day life is busy/important/enhancing enough.
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Oh Judy! Why does your blog wrench at my hearstrings? I feel that you’re guilty about the way you chose to order your life and now can’t make up for the things you wished you’d done or thought you should have done. Don’t live like that, Judy, it leads nowhere. You do outline a compromise existence in which you help where you’re needed. Have you any idea how many people think about doing that and then never lift a finger to help anyone? No, enjoy the life I can tell you love and for heaven’s sake don’t think you’ve got anything to be guilty about. You’re far too nice a person for that. I’m older than you but my wife and I are still looking for that ideal ‘retired’ life in which we are the answer to everybody’s prayer. Well health stops us a lot of the time, but believe me it’s not a possible option. It can turn into a wishlist of semi-regrets if you let it, so never do that. Carry on being the Judy who brings an enormous amount of pleasure to others with your writing and photography alone. As I am sure you’d say yourself, ‘carry on being yourself, girl, you have no idea how much happiness you spread every day’. Cheers. 🙂 Anton
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Ah, so sweet, Anton. I really don’t stew about this, so don’t worry about me. I’d be happy to keep on entertaining you and anyone else who reads my blog while entertaining myself in the process…
J
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I, too, have the feelings of balancing a hermit-like life with the overinvolvement of a passion. A quandary that constantly rears its ugly head. Enjoyed the read!
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I don’t know why I’m surprised to find so many bloggers who share these feelings. Perhaps that’s why we blog. We can reach the world and stay at home at the same time.
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