Be Cause

I felt such a resistance to today’s prompt that I decided I probably should write about it to determine the reason why.  The prompt was: “If your day to day responsibilities were taken care of and you could throw yourself completely behind a cause, what would it be?”

The truth is that I already have day to day responsibilities taken care of.  I am single, retired, and live in Mexico where it’s possible to hire people to clean and do yard work; so there are really no responsibilities I have to do except the normal ones of hygiene, taxes and day-to-day life.

I have reached out with volunteer activities and do vote in every U.S. election, as difficult as this sometimes is, living in a foreign country.  But as for “throwing myself behind a cause,” I’ve gotten to the stage of life where I balk a bit at this.  What usually happens is that I get caught up in cause after cause and eventually start finding my life squeezed to the point where I resent not having enough time to devote to writing and art.  Then I draw back, drop activities, and get back into a more hermit-like existence.  After a while, I feel as though I’m sealing myself off from life too much and I emerge again to become too “busy” with scheduled activities that again squeeze out my other needs.

I’ve always had this problem with balance in my life.  I don’t know how to do things simply, with no fuss. This is why projects and volunteer work tend to consume my life when I get involved.  I’ve tried to remedy this by not volunteering for activities that require a rigidly scheduled demand on my time.  After years of operating to a schedule of shows and exhibitions, this is just what I have to do to keep from feeling that panic of approaching deadlines that were my life for so many years. I volunteer at the information desk of a local cultural center, but only as a fill-in for those who need a substitute.  At times this has led to weeks of volunteering, but it is still not an obligation I know I’m going to have to fulfill forever.

In like manner, I’ve suspended a weekly arts workshop I did last year at a girls’ orphanage. Here, the reason was not because I needed the time back (although I really felt I did) but because time after time I arrived to find they’d scheduled another activity without telling me and the time spent planning the projects, assembling materials and driving to the next town was all for naught. Since they did not answer phones, I couldn’t even call up to check myself. Then I realized these girls, as abused as they’d been, now had so many people volunteering to provide activities that they actually had more advantages than most of the kids in the village, so my efforts have turned toward helping in a summer camp for the most underprivileged kids in two villages this summer and continuing with little art workshops in the pueblo where I live.  It isn’t much, but it is something that I can fit in with my own needs taken into account.

I taught school for ten years and although I have no children of my own, I’ve been involved with children, to varying degrees, my entire life. My husband had 4 small children when I married him and all of them came to stay or live with us for varying lengths of time during our 15-year relationship; but since he’d already had 10 children when we met, it was his desire to have no more. Although at the time I would have loved to have had children, I complied with his wishes; but I’ve thought since that perhaps the fact that I no longer can handle weekly scheduled volunteer activities reflects a selfishness that also contributed to my decision not to have children.

I have given up feeling guilt over this. We all do what we can do in this world in the manner that we can do it, and this is what makes us individuals. I do bit by bit, as it occurs, living my life and trying to be of benefit to others in situations as they occur naturally in my life.  If someone asks, I help. If I see a need, I fill it, trying to leave room for my own needs as well.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Blogger With a Cause.”