I’m in need of a diet in front and behind,
yet I cannot survive on such food as the kind
that dieting gurus decree I must chew
like all of the reigning glamor queens do.
Designer lettuce and parsley and kale
with a soupcon of dressing is what they inhale.
They do not eat Oreos, bon bons or gummies.
They deterge their colons and staple their tummies.
No carbohydrates of any kind
will they order in diners, even in a bind.
And so they go hungry, albeit they’re svelte,
but I think I would rather just loosen my belt.