She had met most of my stepchildren.
Was my husband similar? she asked.
Yes, he was talented and smart and funny.
But, he was very quiet, I said, and often sad.
He never believed he’d been the love of my life,
even though I’d told him so.
He’d raised a hand
to let it fall unused again, one time or more.
I hadn’t any children.
He always thought I’d leave.
For years I’d felt the cause of his unhappiness,
but his children told me he had always been this way.
Less angry with me than the others,
I had been, he told them, (but not me)
the love of his life.
He was a man who trusted few
and loved less.
He could not give what others demanded.
What better time to say I love you
than when asked for it, I pleaded–
his daughter, sobbing, on the phone.
But he couldn’t do it
for me, for her, for anyone.
What he wanted most he always had,
but he was blind to it,
wasting it all: the friends, the fame, the love.
Alone, he stared into the fire, into trees,
imagining tools and studios and sculpture
grander, in the end, than his energy to create it.
He had not been idle in his life.
Houses, children, art, tools, poetry—
he made them all, well and in great numbers.
Yet when he died, he said, “Imagine.
I had thought I’d be making art to the end.
Instead, I am so tired. I’m just glad to know
I have an excuse for feeling as tired as I do.”
They ate him up, his dreams.
We sent them up in smoke with him.
Daily post: Second Opinion—What are some (or one) of the things about which you usually don’t trust your own judgment, and need someone’s else’s confirmation?
(Instead of being about someone who needs someone else’s confirmation and advice, my poem is about someone who never could accept it.)
lifelessons - a blog by Judy Dykstra-Brown 
Oh Judy…I never realized this about him. It makes me sad for him. Gene could be insecure at times, driving himself to constantly create more but he did not doubt that he was loved. Hugs to you my dear friend.
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Bob did tell me he loved me. He was just not capable of saying or doing anything just because someone else wanted him to (Even if it was something he actually wanted to do or felt.). If he himself thought of it and had the need, he could say or do anything, He was just too much of an individualist to do the expected.
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Interesting. My cats are like that 😉
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That’s a very moving and candid piece. Thank you for sharing.
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How hard to love someone and not have it reflected back. In so many ways, I am like him. I work at it. I do say “I love you”, but it is always enveloped with reservations and the feeling that it is only right now..Everything could all change in an instant. It’s important to hold parts of my heart untouched so that I can go on living if everything else is crushed. People like us do feel the love from others, we cherish it, we wish we could fling ourselves headlong into love, and we admire those who do. I think it may be something to do with being adopted. I was way too young to understand or remember any of it, and I had an exceptional adoptive family, but still? And the striving part…that is why I must force myself to get away and take vacations! NEVER enough time to do and create everything I have inside me….I’m always feeling behind and guilty about not getting enough done. Anyway, Judy, I’m sure he loved you. For me, the biggest part is getting to the point where I cannot imagine life without someone. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there again with anyone, but it will take someone who almost never lets me down and it will take me working to accept human frailties. But your husband married you and that means he wanted you in his life forever…which is huge! Even those who may want to marry me have known it’s unlikely that I’ll make that commitment. The whole promise of being with someone ALWAYS worked for 17 years for me and then, it just didn’t work any more and I had to break that promise. Only with animals have I been able to totally commit for life. Leo Buscaglia is a very big help. Too bad that it’s too late for your husband to read it. I read it over and over and over and I just keep working on extending the time when I can hold my heart open.
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Sorry, you wanted us to say what we needed confirmation for and what we don’t trust our own judgement. I actually don’t have too much of that. Mostly I need help making decisions about purchases when I feel I’m not qualified to determine if something is going to work right or about the quality of something….like a car. I do need constant confirmation about love or I become even more distant.
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Tamara, People are not asked to say “I’ll love you forever.” At the most, short of a wedding ceremony or commitment ceremony, what others seek is merely “I love you.” It is as simple as saying you are hungry. You may not be hungry tomorrow, but that does not negate the fact that you are hungry now. Try looking at love less complexly. If you want to be with someone now more than anyone else you can think of, you love them. No harm in telling them so. We have made the words “I love you” too complex, thinking they require commitment or an extreme degree of emotion. Judy
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That takes a load off! But, he’s been leading toward a commitment ceremony. Being in the present is definitely the best solution.
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Like your new bike! Let me know how it works out for you. J
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It’s on order. Hopefully in a week or two! Yippee!
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That brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written Judy!
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Thanks, Lydia.
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Admirable strength and honesty in this work, Judy
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Your strength stands through. I found you through the comment you left on John Flanagan’s site.
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I love John’s blog and could see that you do, too. He never takes the easy way out. Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I look forward to your insightful comments. Judy
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I can’t promise I’ll catch your every post but I’ll do my best.
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No promises necessary. Appreciate it when you do.
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