“Diet”ribe

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“Diet”ribe

I have given up on oatmeal, overdosed on kale.
All these faddish food taboos have gone beyond the pale.
I do not count my calories, my glutens or my carbs.
The benefits for doing so are outweighed by the barbs.
I’m not turned on by Atkins. I can’t abide a fast.
I tried microbiotic, but the microbes didn’t last.

It’s become an epic battle when the girls go out to brunch.
It’s easier brokering world peace that where to go for lunch.
Before we take a mouthful, we must peruse all the ads
and compare what’s on the menu to the latest diet fads.
Then, once we find the perfect place and make the reservation,
Serafina calls me up to share her trepidation.

She’s started a new diet––something fabulously new––
and much as she hates to stir the pot, this restaurant won’t do.
We can’t go out for hamburgers. Laura’s a vegetarian.
She can’t abide the scent of flesh. She finds it most barbarian.
Of course, she will eat foodstuffs that are certified agrarian,
but salad’sout because my other friend is a fruitarian.

I asked them all to my house, bought exotic fruits and plums,
thinking a fruity salad would offend the fewest gums;
but a new friend cannot eat raw fruit. She finds it unhygienic,
and my artist friend will not eat foods she finds unphotogenic.
She balked at the rambutan and when she tried to swallow it,
choked and had to chug down a carafe of wine to follow it.

Molly is insisting on a diet ketogenic,
while Lucy won’t eat any vegetation that is scenic.
We’re reduced to no more dining out. Potlucks will have to do
with every guest providing whatever they can chew.
Me? I’ll bring a pizza. Pepperoni. Extra cheese.
And everyone can envy me as they eat what they please!

 

For dVerse Poets Open Link Night#204

33 thoughts on ““Diet”ribe”

  1. slmret

    It’s all part of the aging process! As we take more meds, or our bodies rebel against certain foods, there are many things that we cannot eat. Potluck sounds like a good solution, as people can pick and choose what they eat from a wide variety of options. Even with my gout diet, there’s usually something I can eat on a potluck table!

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  5. Soul Gifts

    It’s a trend to be on a trendy, difficult to cater to diet. Why? God alone knows. I have a friend who is severely gluten intolerant. She can’t for the life her understand why anyone who CHOOSE to be gluten free! We eat oatmeal for breakfast every morning – ‘cos we like it 🙂

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  10. carol1945

    Your poem sums up the food fad issue quite well. The complexity amazes me. It used to be vegetarian or not, that was it. Now, it is vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, allergic to shellfish, and just hundreds of specialty diets. It is so hard to have a family dinner anymore. Some people are genuinely allergic to wheat, shellfish, or other items. But it is very hard to be my age, and compare the past to now. How could all these people suddenly be allergic to peanuts???

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    1. lifelessons Post author

      I thought exactly the same thing.. Perhaps because of so many fast foods and use of peanut oil, people are developing more allergies. Or perhaps it isn’t the peanuts themselves, but some chemical used on the crops. Who knows? My friend insisted my use of “microbiotic diet” was incorrect and it should be “macrobiotic,” but indeed, they are both diets. They’ll b running out of names soon and will have to have an Atkins II and Atkins III.

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  16. paul scribbles

    A delightfully ‘lite bite’ on the food fad thing…there are faddists for sure who go with the flow of the new and exciting ways to eat better….sadly I believe it may be a sign of a more serious issue for those with allergies……my own personal belief is that we are toxifying the environment which in turn is creating allergies aplenty.
    I have always eaten what I felt like and was happy to do so until this year…suddenly I cannot eat Tomatoes without developing a skin condition…strange huh? My research and conversations with doctors and nutritionists has opened up a whole new world of information. Scary.

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    1. lifelessons Post author

      That happened to me as a baby. I loved tomatoes and would demand more. Finally, my skin started breaking out and they had to stop feeding them to me. Now, except for salsa and tomato sauce, I can’t stand the texture and taste of tomatoes. I agree with everything you say.

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  17. Bodhirose

    I can relate to your humorous spin on all the diets out there and how we’re affected by them even though we’re not following them ourselves. We have a large, extended family and when some of us get together (like for Thanksgiving) there are a number of us who are vegan, vegetarian and gluten-free and meat eaters…it’s gotten more difficult to cater to everyone.
    Gayle ~

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