The Confessions of Catwoman

The Confessions of Catwoman

What’s happening tomorrow?
the same thing that happens every Friday
since I was forced into retirement last year.
I’m going to go make my collections.
It will be my first day off the diet
I’ve been on for a week––
and my leathers aren’t at all as close-fitting
as they were before,
so I deserve a small reward.

That diet was low-protein, low carb and low fat,
which left nothing but grass, right?
And the problem with that was that everyone thought I was sick
and so tried to trick me into a dose of this or that.
The cod liver oil wasn’t bad,
but I’ve never developed a taste for Pepto Bismol.
A neighbor lady once sneaked some into my cream
and I gagged so hard I coughed up a hare-ball—
just the nose and whiskers, actually, but it created a sensation, nonetheless.
I was at a party and no one was yet drunk enough
to take it in their stride.

I’ve washed my hair—
Well, no surprise. I do every day.
A bit OCD on that activity,
but today I washed all of me.
Every inch.
Ears, too.

I can’t remember when I first thought
of the lucrative business
I’ve been opurrrrrrrating since my retirement;
but I do remember that tomorrow is the day
I go from door-to-door doing collections.

I usually dress in leathers,
which I look pretty good in for a mature sex-kitten.
No, not a biker chick.
I am more of a femme fatale
with a haunting and mesmerizing voice.
Everyone says sends chills down their back—
a sort of backyard Les Mis.

I’m a night person.
I sleep for most of the day
and go out every night.
I park my Catmobile
then take shortcuts: leaping over walls,
soft-toeing it along the top edges of fences.

Sometimes I crouch in the bushes,
waiting for strangers to pass.
As I do, I sharpen my fingernails—
a weapon no one can take away from me.
Anyway, what good would a gun be
for a woman with no opposable thumbs?
Hey. Don’t feel sorry for me, okay?
I’m puurrrrrfectly happy with my lot in life.
I’m puurrrrfect without them.

I am sexy, fit and nimble.
I fill out my leathers in all the right places.
I can jump to the ground from a rooftop,
land on my feet and be off before you see
any more of me than a shadow.
I am a thief by birth and inclination, and I
I pre”fur” my daily fare to be purrrrrrloined.

I can take swift revenge and kill mercilessly,
or curl up and enjoy
a long petting session,
as docile as you please.

Actually, I don’t know why I’m giving you this sales pitch.
I usually ignore people,
so when I actually notice them,
they are honored.

Anyway, I’ve gotten distracted.
I’m just going to smooth my hair a bit
and then go to bed and get rested up
for tomorrow’s collections.
What kind of brilliant feline was I to create a job for myself like this?
“Cat Woman Pest Disposal––You trap them, we collect them.”

I actually get paid for going from door to door,
collecting a course here and a course there.
No of course, no matter how hungry I am after my week’s fast,
I will not reward myself in my client’s presence.
I always wait until I get to my catmobile to have my first nibble.
After all, even a retired superheroine has to watch her image.

This poem was actually one of the first poems I wrote for my blog almost five years ago, so if you remember it, that means you are one of my first viewers ever.  This is an edited version. The prompt today is confess.

13 thoughts on “The Confessions of Catwoman

  1. Pingback: Author Interview – Paul Barrett & Steve Murphy – “Knight Errant” (Sci-Fi/Fantasy) | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

    1. lifelessons Post author

      Absolutely. Please just use the standard reblog form of having the beginning picture and/or paragraphs or verses in your blog with a (more) designation and a link to my blog to continue. I’d be honored, Marc-Andre.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Marc-André

        Since my blog is self hosted I’ll have to manually create the reblog but I normally start of with a direct link to the original blog. A quote from the original followed by another link. Will that be ok? 🙂


        1. lifelessons Post author

          Perfect. Thanks, Marc-Andre. Recently I’ve had several blogs that just copy my blog in its entirety and publish it on their own blog, thus my “instructions.” I know most bloggers are conscientious about how they reblog. Pleased that you are doing so.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Marc-André

            We’ve got the same problem :-(. The worst we had was someone copying our design and all old posts… and after that putting adverts in to make money of our content. >.<

            If you’d like I could also set you up with a local author profile so it’s clearer it’s coming from you? 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            1. lifelessons Post author

              That is nice, Marc-Andre. What does that entail? As for the person “stealing” your blog, were you able to close them down through WordPress? I have someone who is doing the same thing. They copy my entire blog and post it. I think they put my name on it but no link..They do this day after day at times. Others take illustrations and use them superimposed over their blog..But not too worried about it. I think the 2nd case is a matter of just setting up their blog and not understanding how to do it. They have the same page repeated a dozen times or so, once with my flower of the day superimposed. It can be frustrating starting a blog. I never would have accomplished it without forgottenman’s help. He still has administrative access to my blog to help out with problems and catch my apostrophe errors!!

              Liked by 1 person

            2. Marc-André

              I had to go through complaining to a hosting company as it was a self hosted blog. WordPress sadly didn’t do anything as it wasn’t on their network. But after a month I got it taken down.

              And yes if you drop me an email I’ll add you as an author. 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

            3. Marc-André

              Just your email address and a note it’s for the poetry section as I’ll send you an author request email from that. 🙂

              Once set up you can also submit posts to us for inclusion directly if you’d like. 😀


    1. Marc-André

      apologies it’s taken so long! I’ve scheduled this in for the 17th of May. It’s not using the full poem I used the first three paragraphs (let me know if you need me to shorten it further) and directed readers to your blog post to read the full poem.

      If you’d like to be added as a guest author to occasionally publish that offer still stands btw. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Purrsday Poetry: The Confessions of Catwoman - Katzenworld

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