Last Small Gift

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Last Small Gift
for Zackie, 1982-1984

He always noticed high things––
airplanes, kites.
His long fingers
pointed to small things,
moving things, things that needed to be eaten,
people who should leave the room.

He gave second chances.
Even after I bit his finger
along with the cookie he offered as a token of friendship,
and even after the stout and lengthy 
cry of outrage in his mother’s arms,
in two or more additional meetings,
he was willing to start over again,
this time from the middle,
at becoming friends.

He never held out his arms to me.
He never cried when I left the room.
Yet he shared with me,
along with a glimpse of a heart that could still break,
all of the pleasures first experienced
which I had once felt,
and some long glances where neither looked away.

Usually,  I felt that in between his own needs
he knew everything there was to know about me,
this wise baby,
so that when he rejected me,
I knew it was for good reason.
And when he accepted me,
I felt I’d gained character.
Maybe I found it irresistible
that I had to earn his allegiance,
so that I felt flattered by it—
like the first girl chosen from the bench at a dance.

This baby
that I never knew well enough.
This baby who never noticed the toys I brought him.
This baby who reigned
from the corner of my sofa
under his pointed birthday hat,
never learned to say my name.

But he held something old for me in his eyes.
Promises, perhaps,
that some of the mysteries are left in a life
where most of the presents have been opened,
revealing objects less precious
than the surprises they came wrapped up in.

 

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15 thoughts on “Last Small Gift”

    1. lifelessons's avatarlifelessons Post author

      He was my boyfriend’s grandson. Such a unique little soul. When I returned from a trip to Europe , he had passed away from a heart deformity. He would have been 35 this year.. hard to imagine. Yes, a very sweet baby, as was his older brother. Since then, two sisters have joined the family.

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  5. Sharon's avatarSharon

    Hey Judy, thank you so much. You won’t believe this but I just found this poem in one of my files and I remembered that you had asked me for it. Guess you found it! Wanted you to know that another baby has been added to our family – Jeremy and Joyce and now Cassie who is 18 months old – such a joy to be a Nana (as she calls me) and Papa as she calls Bill. Please send me your email as we are contemplating a Mexico trip this summer probably August. Look forward to hearing from you. Much love from bill and sharon

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  8. momshieb's avatarmomshieb

    Oh, such a tender story. My own little almost two year old Johnny just left a few minutes ago. I want to pull him back and kiss him one more time, or two. I want to imprint my love on him…..

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  9. lillian's avatarlillian

    Oh Judy….this is such a very special poem/story. I think it must be so very very difficult to lose a little one. It is obvious from your writing that this little one was so loved by those around him…and that although his life was short in terms of time on this earth, he made on indelible impression on many. It reminds us of how much meaning and importance there is in each and every person, each and every moment we share with them. Thank you for posting.

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