Gram’s a kleptomaniac. It’s known all over town.
She’ll glom onto anything the neighbors don’t tie down.
It’s obvious what she’s up to, for she takes no pains to hide it.
She’ll peer into the coffee spout to see what is inside it
and if it isn’t boiling hot, she’ll make off with the whole of it.
She’ll steal anything in sight, for “need” is not the goal of it.
She collects things in the daylight and sneaks out after dark.
She has no fear of guard dogs. She’s not warned off by their bark.
Unabashed, she faces up to every cluck and frown
as she steals coins from collection plates of every church in town.
My dad makes restitution and gives them more besides
while my mom checks out the stashes of everything she hides
and returns things to their owners. It’s become her daily chore
and Grandma doesn’t seem to mind. She goes out and gets more.
I don’t have to tell you that my Gran’s become notorious.
It’s fun for her but for the rest of us, it’s turned laborious.
We have to take turns following and keeping track of all
she sticks into her pockets when visiting the mall.
As she stuffs things in the right side, we extract stuff from the left.
She’s so busy pilfering, she doesn’t feel bereft
of all the things she stole before for she cannot remember
what she lifted seconds before with fingers swift and limber.
Mom and her brother say that soon we’ll have to lock Gram in,
but for now they’re letting her enjoy her life of sin.
For years she put up like a Saint with everything they did.
So for now they’re letting my grandma be the kid!!