Weddings Banned–Market in a Tailspin
They’re banning marriage in America. The vote has just come in.
Such illicit gatherings are now declared a sin.
No flower-littered church aisles. No presents neatly wrapped.
Ring bearers are now passé, honeymoon routes unmapped.
Parsons and priests are limited to un-bridal functions:
baptisms and funerals, sermons and extreme unctions.
Department stores will probably have to cut back hours
when they feel the drop in sales from no more bridal showers.
The diamond market has gone bust as have sales of cake.
Bakeries are trying to think of other things to make
like maybe first-date cookies or three-tiered valentines,
make-out brownies, passion pies or set-up clementines.
Nationwide, each future bride is busy now, I’m certain,
altering her bridal veil into a window curtain.
The only positive result is no more bridesmaid dresses
of nylon net or taffeta or other gauche excesses.
No reason has been given for this bizarre decision
that’s met with voter outrage and the whole world’s derision.
The press without exception declares this law as dastardly,
declaring that an entire generation will be bastardly.
Kids will not bear fathers’ names. Connections will be lost,
with only mothers being the ones to bear the cost
of doctor bills and dental bills and clothes and vaccinations,
of summer camp and prom dresses and college educations.
The men will all be free to sleep with any random hottie
and spend their dough on gambling debts or a new Maserati.
Perhaps that is the secret of why nine out of ten
legislators voted for the law–they are all men!