Category Archives: Humor

Designer Diets

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Designer Diets

I’m in need of a diet in front and behind,
yet I cannot survive on such food as the kind
that dieting gurus decree I must chew
like all of the reigning glamor queens do.

Designer lettuce and parsley and kale
with a soupcon of dressing is what they inhale.
They do not eat Oreos, bon bons or gummies.
They deterge their colons and staple their tummies.

No carbohydrates of any kind
will they order in diners, even in a bind.
And so they go hungry, albeit they’re svelte,
but I think I would rather just loosen my belt.

 

Prompts today are surviving, design, soupcon, deterge and kind.

Retribution

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Retribution

I swallow screams for dinner,
hold my tongue the whole meal through.
I’m told I’ll have to eat my words
if I let slip a few.
I’m choking back the clever things
that I want to tell,
but all my smart rejoinders
simply will not jell.

“Better seen than heard,” they say,
and yet they do not see me.
If I’m not allowed to speak,
how will I ever be me?
When I grow up, I’ll talk and talk.
Never will I be quiet.
If someone tries to shut me up,
I simply will not buy it.

By then my folks will be real old.
To shush me? They won’t dare.
If they do, I’ll shush them back, 
and put them in a chair.
I’ll make them face the corner
and tell them to be quiet.
And if they say to eat my words?
I’ll say I’m on a diet!!!

 

For Poets and Storytellers United. Swallow Screams

 

Final Rights

14 Replies

Final Rights

The legacy our mother left seems to have something missing.
Is it just coincidence I think I saw you kissing
her lawyer shortly after her funeral today?
It reminded me of earlier behavior, I must say.
Your high school English teacher whom you later held at bay
only after he had raised your grade from F to A.
Do I mean to insinuate it may have been a factor
in the raising of your grade that you’re such a primo actor?
Feigning school girl crushes until you’ve achieved your aim
and seducing gullible lawyers? Do I think that’s your game?
I must admit this codicil  that you have lately found
gives rise to questions. You should realize that we are bound
to question her late change of mind, leaving the bulk to you
when all the time that she was ill you never were in view.
The lawyer swears it’s aboveboard. These were our mother’s wishes.
Did she forget those countless times you would not do the dishes
but left the job to me as you hurried out the door?
The times you defied curfew, tracked up her just-mopped floor?
Because I was her favorite,  was it, then, her guilt
that made her deed to only you the house that Grandpa built?
Sister dear, your goose is cooked, for just a month ago
Mom fired the lawyer you seduced and hired one you don’t know.
He filed a new will signing the house over to me.
Mom foresaw your shenanigans and said they would not be.
Your lawyer’s response to your wiles? A small sin of omission.
Who could blame him for collecting his amorous commission?

Prompt words today are legacy, missing, reminded, insinuate and factor. Although the poem is fiction, this is actually the house I grew up in. 

Loose Lips

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Loose Lips

I hear my new assistant is a great man at a party
which may be the reason why he is so often tardy.
Describing my proboscis is his favorite party schtick.
Plus, speculating over what makes his bossman tick.
He thinks I’m ancient in my forties and lists all that I lack?
He can tick “spineless” off of his list when I give him the sack!

 

Prompt words for today are party, ancient, proboscis, describe and assistant.

Daily Funny, Aug 16, 2020

10 Replies

I’ve been remiss in posting the daily funnies lately. It took me a minute to “get” this one. I’m dedicating it to Forgottenman who in his prime had pi memorized to 51 significant digits. Phew.

“Spur”ned

6 Replies

 

 

“Spur”ned

Your boots are outlandish. They’re fancy and chic.
I bet they attract all the women you seek,
but your uncanny luck in attracting the ladies
won’t get you to Heaven—may take you to Hades,
for your looks are deceiving. Your spectacular start
won’t prevail when it comes to matters of heart.
Better cancel the wedding, unless, instead,
you learn when you wear your new boots to bed,
what you start you can’t finish. You’ll never be hers
If you don’t remember to take off the spurs!!!

 

Today’s prompt words are deceiving, finish, uncanny, prevail and cancel. 

Rules and Regulations

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Rules and Regulations

Orange houses? Not allowed. Nor are blue or yellow.
The rules of this subdivision call for hues more mellow.
Tan or brown or gray or beige, trim equally sedate
are the colors they allow and you’ll seal your fate
if you select tricolors or a hue too bright.
Original’s not sanctioned. Artistic’s just not right.
Your entire edifice must sport one desert hue
lest you be delinquent in your neighbor’s view.
The ratio of bright-to-dull? Exceptionally low.
Blending-in is favored. One’s not allowed to glow.
They simply prefer colors more tranquil and more restful.
And so they do not put up with house colors more zestful.
Everybody to their own–monochrome or bawdy.
As for me, the hues I choose tend to be more gaudy.
They do not want the likes of me in Phoenix or Calexico.
If I want such colors, they with ship me off to Mexico.



Writing prompts today are tricolor, edifice, delinquent, entire and ratio, First photo by Eric Brehm on Unsplash. Used with permission.

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Schmutzwortsuche, Aug 14, 2020

14 Replies

 

Schmutzwortsuche

I’m a martyr to the language, a proponent of its usage.
Malapropisms shatter me. I cringe at their abusage.
I’m a verbal junkie. I use language every day.
Rare is the occasion where I don’t know what to say.
Yet, mere crude modern vulgarisms rarely cross my lips.
I cling to formal usage—give gratuities, not tips.
I need not stoop to schmutzwortsuche, for I’m never bored.
There are so many nicer words in books where words are stored.
But if a vulgarism is your quip of last resort,
at least please choose a clever one for your rude retort!


 

Prompt words today are martyr, verbal, schmutzwortsuche, gratuity and language.

Free the Birds

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Free the Birds

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” a psychic said to me.
Then my psychiatrist said the same, but for a bigger fee.
When people preach to me like this, I get set in my ways.
I’m never going to take advice from folks who spout clichés!

The birds that I have had in hand number very few.
I can’t recall a single time I combed a bush for two.
I have no wish to take a walk in another’s shoe.
I’m simply loathe to think in adages as others do.

I’ve never thought the grass was greener in my neighbor’s yard,
and spouting other people’s words does not make you a bard.
I don’t think quoting adages makes us any wiser.
If my neighbor’s lawn is greener, I’ll just use more fertilizer.

So please don’t give me your advice using a hackneyed phrase,
for all this glib advice just sorta puts me in a daze.
And if you simply must advise, my character to hone,
please do me a big favor and just use words of your own!!!

For Thursday Inspiration: Free