Category Archives: Humor

Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning

It’s that time of the year when I want to come clean
and turn into a virtual sorting machine.
I’m emptying closets and clearing out shelves.
Disposing of all of my former used selves.
Keeping the best of me. Tossing the worn.
Keeping the new me that’s daily reborn
and discarding the jaded, the bored and forlorn.

I’m renouncing old habits and starting anew.
I’m not limping along in my regular queue
of things to accomplish and deeds I must do,
and I’m making a list of things I’ll eschew—
things that inevitably make me blue—
politics, violence, things all askew
that have turned our whole planet into a zoo.

I’m making an outline to use as a guide
with all the things that I’ve certified
will make my life better and straighten it out.
They’ll make me happier, without a doubt.
Troublesome people I’m going to avoid.
Life is too short to spend it annoyed.
What is life for if not to be enjoyed?

I’ll go on a diet and I’ll become svelt.
Shorten my hemlines and tighten my belt.
I’ll take all the tactics I’ve learned in this life
as daughter and student and girlfriend and wife
and put them together into a rich stew
of what I have vowed that I’m going to do.
Then tackle my life with this new retinue.

Or else I’ll stay home and not worry about
having a gorgeous body to flout.
I’ll cook puddings and pastries and share them with friends,
put on a few pounds without making amends.
Taking more time to stare at the birds.
I’ll do fewer shoulds and do more absurds—
cavort with my art and play with my words.

Consort with the dogs and cuddle the cats.
Issue fewer “No’s!” and give way more pats.
Since this is my life and I am the boss of it,
I’ll make a vow to get rid of the dross of it.
Clean out the dreads and stock up on the wants.
hang out at all of my favorite haunts,
believe what praise comes and ignore all the taunts.

Word prompts today are limp, outline, new, renounce and politics.

Enforced Reflection

Enforced Reflection

I’m keeping my composure and compensating for
the fact that they won’t let me venture out my door.
Given lemons, I make margaritas—take the opportunity
now that I can’t wander about in the wide community,
to revel in the riches that abound right here at home,
watching Jesus painting murals all around my dome.

I’m baking lots of cookies, although their fate is sad.
After painters ate just one or two, Diego was so bad
that he raced into the kitchen and made off with all the rest.
One friend suggested delicately it might have been best.
Would I have eaten any that remained? Yes, it’s true, I might.
I must admit my waistbands are getting sort of tight.

Perhaps it’s lack of exercise. Perhaps it’s medication.
Since I so rarely don street clothes, I have no indication.
I avoid the scales because, you know, they are so changeable.
Up one day but rarely down. (Wish they were more arrangeable.)
With nature as our trainer, perhaps we will be changed
in other crazy pastimes in which we’ve become deranged.

Fracking and polluting, casting all our trash
out there in the ocean, making a god of cash.
Nature has to teach us to change our foolish ways
by sending us all to our rooms to pass our “time out” days.
And perhaps now I’m sequestered and set upon the shelf,
Diego’s her reminder to take care of myself.

The image of Diego with a cookie in his mouth is from a retablo/art collage I’m making that is recording my time spent in Mother Nature’s Time-Out period. Why don’t you join me? Mine was finished but then I have to keep adding to it. At least a story a day. Diego was that day’s.

Prompts for the day are composure, compensate, opportunity, revel and trainer.
And, for dVerse Poets Pub prompt: Solitude.

Two Faces

 

Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash. Used with permission

Two Faces

There’s a twinkle in his eye in spite of higher education,

and although he is hard-headed, there’s an air of jubilation
whenever he is in a room. There’s magic in his laughter
that sets you all to wondering just what it is he’s after.

He’ll bathe you in attention. His queries will resound,
but his answers to your problems are likely to rebound.
He’ll write you up on charges and you’ll wish you gave a pass
when he inquires about your problems, then fires your whiny ass!

 

Prompt words for today are twinkle, education, hard-headed, resound and bath.

Dog Days

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Last night I baked peanut butter cookies. They did not turn out to be the best peanut butter cookies I’ve ever tasted, but a good deal of energy went into their production, and given the unreliability of an oven without a thermostat but just a gauge that “approximated” the temperature—and three hanging thermostats I had purchased in a kitchen shop in the states—each of which registered a different temperature between 350 and 400 degrees—they were at least edible after I had scraped overdone bottoms off the last batch. At any rate, I tasted one, judged them my usual baking failure and sealed them up in my favorite Tupperware storage container.

The next morning, I apologized as I offered them to Jesus and Eduardo with their morning coffee. “Good!” said Jesus, and he and Eduardo each took another one, prompting me to do the same. They weren’t bad. A bit dry. A bit too grainy. I set the top back on the Tupperware container of cookies that sat on the counter, not sealing it in case they decided they wanted more.

Then they went out to continue to paint the murals on the outside of my house and I called a plumber. I had no water this morning—hot or cold—and he was the plumber who had installed the new water pump a few months before. Yes, he was still working. He’d be there in an hour, he said. I did a million other little chores and then heard Jesus and Eduardo talking to someone in front. The Ilox installers, I thought, grabbing the keys to the studio where they were to install wifi. (Edit by Forgottenman: Ilox is her local internet provider.) But when I got out to the front yard, it was Alberto the plumber. I led him out the bedroom door to the patio above the bodega where the water pump was. He quickly determined that a faulty filter had stopped the water flow and while he was here, I asked him to check the outside lights on the patio that had refused to light for months. Then he had to go upstairs, around to the other patio, to my bedroom, to check which lights were controlled with which switch.

Meanwhile, I heard a car drive up and voices on the side of the house. The Ilox men, I thought, and heard car doors open, women’s voices. As though someone walking along the street had recognized them. I wedged an old axe head under the front gate door to keep it open, laying the garbage can lid I’d meant to repair with duct tape on the steps as I did so. Then went inside to find the studio keys. I had had them within the last half hour. The whole pile of keys to the laundry room, spare room, studio, back bedroom door, doggie domain, front door and front gate–all the keys needed for the plumber and the Ilox installers, were in a pile on the front table, but not the studio keys!

The weather had grown hot and rushing around with the damn face mask on (necessary because of all of the humans that seemed to be buzzing around my house lately) I started to fear an asthma attack. I was flustered in the way my Aunt Stella used to get flustered, walking around in tight little circles and muttering, “Blahsy Blah!” Alberto the plumber took pity on me and started looking, too. Did I ever open the back bedroom door? I asked him, remembering the painters had piled up flower pots in front of the door so we’d used a side door instead. Yes, he replied, I had opened it once, and the studio key was on the same ring. Where had I gone after I last used the key, he asked? To the studio, upstairs, to the kitchen, to the garage, to the front door, to my desk, both bathrooms, the closet. We looked everywhere.

By then it had been 10 minutes. Why had the Ilox men not come inside? I could still hear the women talking. I called Yolanda, in a panic. She had the extra pair of keys but it seems she was in Riberas, miles away (where she promised me she was no longer going) with my keys! I went out to see the Ilox guys to discover the big white truck was not the Ilox guys but the man across the street who prefers to park in front of my house because my big tree furnishes shade. “I’m gonna cut that damn tree down and get my parking back,” I vowed for the umpteenth time, but as I went back into the house, I picked up the gray garbage can lid and lo and behold—the studio keys!!!

As I came into the house, Diego came running out of the living room into the hall. “How did you get in the house?” I scolded and he zipped back into the doggie domain the second I opened its door.  I went to find the plumber, told him I’d found the keys, thanked him for his help in trying to locate them, and paid him. As he went out the door, the Ilox men entered. After a good many false starts and horrible wiring jobs—one in which they just draped the cable across the patio and lawn—we finally got the wifi installed, the men paid.

By then it was late afternoon. I was hot and exhausted and when I went into the kitchen for a drink of water, my eye fell on the Tupperware cookie container. I hadn’t eaten all day and suddenly the idea of a peanut butter cookie sounded good. I put a cup of water in the microwave for a cup of instant coffee and whipped the lid off the cookie container to find it—empty!  Then my mind flashed on Diego zipping out of the living room and so obediently out the door to the doggie domain and back yard. He had somehow managed to get the cover off the Tupperware and to eat three and a half dozen cookies without moving the container and somehow nudging the cover back on the cookies!

This is what was left:

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Some days. Some days.

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Selective Superstition

 


Selective Superstition

I don’t believe in messages delivered by astrology.
I think my personality’s a matter of biology.
Images in crystal balls I’m sure are just projections.
I’m not about to spend my dough on engineered reflections.

But still I pluck at daisies. Does he love or does he not?
And I check out daily the Tarot cards I bought.
Every scattered grain of salt I throw over my shoulder.
and I won’t step on sidewalk cracks until I’m somewhat bolder.

I’m flexible, I guess you’d say, dealing with superstition.
I want the ones I follow to match my disposition.
If I’m the one in charge of the ones that I am choosing,
I tend to have control of what I’m gaining or I’m losing.

 

Prompt words today are image, dough, message, astrology and personality.

Morrie Plays Pool Basketball

 

For you Morrie fans, here is a video of my housesitter Ian teaching him to play basketball in the pool. Don’t worry. Ian isn’t really in the au naturel. He has on flesh colored trunks. Morrie is nude.

High School Commencement, 2020 Style

     muhammad-rizwan-VnydpKiCDaY-unsplash Used with permission

High School Commencement, 2020 Style

Here in Coyote Valley, we’ve had a small preview
of just what can happen when the world has gone askew.
High School Graduation might have gone without a hitch.
A certain senior’s choice of clothing was the only glitch.
When he approached the platform, parents nearly had a stroke.
His classmates simply had a laugh. They all enjoyed the joke.
His Hazmat suit was timely, though his mortarboard was tilted.
It beat the valedictory speech, which was a little stilted.
Thus Billy Jenkins pulled one over getting his diploma.
First the face mask and what with the principal’s glaucoma,
he missed the fact of who he had just handed an escape
from another year as senior without the dread red tape
of actually passing history, keyboarding or biology.
English, math or woodshop, PE or sociology.
Without opening a single book, Billy counted coup.
Add this to the statistics. COVID-19 got him through.

Prompts for today are coyote, valley, graduation, stroke and preview,

Street Smarts: Flo Educates the Ivy League

Street Smarts: Flo Educates the Ivy League

Slip me a quarter, flip me a dime,
and you’ll still have your meal in the usual time.
When the diner is full due to inclement weather,
and your rowdy squad descends all together,
understand that you’ll just have to wait your fair turn
or the fries will be soggy and the hamburgers burn.

I  have a hunch you’re an ivy league boy—
a chip off the old block, your mom’s pride and joy,
but when you come slumming to this side of town,
it’s best that you play your fancy side down.
We don’t cotton to folks who think they’re our betters
or cater to jocks with their varsity letters.

Some day you’ll no doubt be someone of renown
with your designer suits or your medical gown,
but for now you’re a kid sitting there on a stool—
a self-declared prince with no country to rule.
So shut your damn mouth. Move to that empty table,
and you’ll have your burgers as soon as I’m able.

 

Prompts today are quarter, understand, squad, hunch and street.

A “Do” Review

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A “Do” Review

The sermon is boring, so with nothing to do
but stare at the preacher, I’m staring at you
and reviewing your haircut, here from behind.
I know I’m in church and so I should be kind,
but I notice the trim over one ear is higher,
and the top is so high that I can’t see the choir!
Bouffant is a style, my dear, that’s passé
unless you are Dolly or possibly gay,
and the color is glaring. It’s hurting my eyes.
You need a new stylist with subtler dyes.

Your split ends are shocking, but there’s a solution.
If you don’t pursue it, there’s no absolution
for sins of omission equal to these.
(It’s simply my sense of noblesse oblige
that leads me to share with you thoughts on your hair,
for when it comes to style, dear, there isn’t much there.)
I can give you the name of a salon I know
and it’s up to you if you want to go,
but if you choose not to, I’d advise that
you do us a favor and just wear a hat!

For NaPoWriMo 2020 Day 27, we are to write a review of something not normally
reviewed.

The Banker, the Doctor, the Rabbi, the Priest

PhPhoto by Ryan O’Niel on Unsplash. Used with permission

The Banker, the Doctor, the Rabbi, the Priest

The banker, the doctor, the rabbi, the priest
used to jam back back in high school and never ceased.
They’ve been meeting on Saturday nights all their lives
leaving their girlfriends and bishops and wives
to drink beer and rap and have deep discussion
about riffs and choruses, notes and percussion.
The priest is the drummer. He wields a wild stick.
The rabbi’s a string guy. The cello’s his schtick.
The banker plays sax and the doctor’s on keys,
but they’re all pretty good at  shooting the breeze.

It’s as hot as a sauna and still they play on.
All through the night and into the dawn.
the priest squeegees his glasses off with his left thumb
while his right is engaged in beating the drum.
He’s a stickler for rhythm, enthralled with the beat.
He stirs a small zephyr while stomping his feet.
When they’ll stop playing is anyone’s guess.
It’s obvious they overlook my duress.
They’ve had a good jam. A most excellent session,
but the priest better scoot or he’ll miss my confession!

Prompts for today are stickler, squeegee, zephyr, enthrall and guess.

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