Category Archives: humorous poem

At the Olympics Awards Ceremony (For RDP)

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At the Olympics Awards Ceremony

You are the one we’d love to beat.
We train, we strain, we sweat. We cheat.
Anything to win the heat
and gain the glory of your defeat.
You are so handsome, fit and neat.
Sure of hand and swift of feet,
with fame and glory, you are replete—
the hero of each match and meet.

You are not boastful, do not bleat
your successes down every street.
You are humble and discreet.
You do not replay and repeat
each mile covered. Nor do you greet
those you’ve defeated when we meet
with prideful leer or smile cloying—
but still, we find your fame annoying.

You win each medal, then repeat
year after year at every meet.
Your well-toned muscles, hair like wheat,
make you every lady’s treat––
propel you to the winner’s seat,
your win made obvious and concrete
while those below complain and cuss.
Could you not leave some fame for us???

For RDP, The Olympics

Crabs!!! For Stream of Consciousness Saturday

Crabs!!

A consortium of crabs can be an itchy deal.
Not the sort of gathering that one wants to feel.
Perhaps out on the beach it’s easier to bear,
but crabs should never gather in anybody’s hair!

 

Yolanda tells me that when Yoli goes to school, they have to be sure to wind her hair up and put it on top of her head as there are people who steal the hair of children and women with long hair to sell it for wigs. Some world.

For Stream of Consciousness Saturday: Itch

“Fancy Word” Addendum

For those of you who read my “Fancy Word” poem early on, I discovered hours after I published it that the last word of the penultimate line as well as the entire last line had been left off the poem!  Ironically, the second to the last word of the penultimate line rhymed with the two lines above it, so the deletion wasn’t obvious, but it is funnier with the last line, so  here is the poem with all of its lines.  I’ve also corrected it on the original, so if you read it later on, you’ve already seen this version:

                                      Fancy Words

Don’t we adore fancy words? Don’t we love to use them?
Still, it is annoying when some choose to abuse them.
When “geddouddahere” would do to tell pests when to go,
they use “begone!” to banish them in words more rococo.

Their need to parlay simple words, I fear I find most gruesome.
A tasty meal’s not good enough. They see repasts most toothsome.
While we argue, they asservateassiduously stating
things that all of the rest of us are fine with just debating.

They see themselves as bon vivants, most clever and most charming,
They complicate the simplest words at rates we find disarming.
A lady we call beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, cool,
they find pulchritudinous. Where did they go to school?

Piquant” they use religiously, though most of us denounce it.
Yes, we agree it’s pretty, but we just can’t pronounce it.
Slow music is andante, dark closets are aphotic.
As they rave on, each alloquy tends to get hypnotic.

What the rest of us get rid of, they alleviate.
They do not use contractions.  They don’t abbreviate.
They’re intent on gamboling while we’re just being silly.
They see the landscape undulating. We just find it hilly.

Forsooth, they have no wherewithal to get where they must go?
We’re all willing to chip in. We hope they don’t go slow!
They are extremely irritating, though they do not know it.
It’s not easy dealing with a friend who is a poet!!!

 

For My Vivid Blog: Words

 

 

“Fancy Words” for My Vivid Blog

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Fancy Words

Don’t we adore fancy words? Don’t we love to use them?
Still, it is annoying when some choose to abuse them.
When “geddouddahere” would do to tell pests when to go,
they use “begone!” to banish them in words more rococo.

Their need to parlay simple words, I fear I find most gruesome.
A tasty meal’s not good enough. They see repasts most toothsome.
While we argue, they asservateassiduously stating
things that all of the rest of us are fine with just debating.

They see themselves as bon vivants, most clever and most charming,
They complicate the simplest words at rates we find disarming.
A lady we call beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, cool,
they find pulchritudinous. Where did they go to school?

Piquant” they use religiously, though most of us denounce it.
Yes, we agree it’s pretty, but we just can’t pronounce it.
Slow music is andante, dark closets are aphotic.
As they rave on, each alloquy tends to get hypnotic.

What the rest of us get rid of, they alleviate.
They do not use contractions.  They don’t abbreviate.
They’re intent on gamboling while we’re just being silly.
They see the landscape undulating. We just find it hilly.

Forsooth, they have no wherewithal to get where they must go?
We’re all willing to chip in. We hope they don’t go slow!
They are extremely irritating, though they do not know it.
It’s not easy dealing with a friend who is a poet!!!

For My Vivid Blog: Words
Must confess that I wrote this poem 7 years ago, but it seemed appropriate, so….

The Threshold, for dVerse Poets

Out on a Liminal

img_9671The jolly crew over lunch yesterday. Happiest when the jefe is not in sight. He probably knows this and this is why the two older men eat in front of the house, the younger men on my patio in the back.

Liminal—I admit that I looked the word up, and I’m glad I did.  I have always thought that since subliminal meant below the threshold of conscious thought, that liminal must refer to conscious thought. Wrong.

Liminal: of or relating to a sensory threshold. 2 : barely perceptible. 3 : of, relating to, or being an intermediate state, phase, or condition : in-between, transitional

So, is my house in a liminal state between completion and constant repair and construction?  If so, what is the state after liminal?  Perhaps subliminal is the ultimate state rather than the one under liminal. Perhaps it is that state in which everything just goes along smoothly without having to think about it. Water flows, floors stay crack and salitre-free, lightbulbs stay perpetually lit.

Perhaps I’d better look up subliminal as well:

Subliminal: (of a stimulus or mental process) below the threshold of sensation or consciousness; perceived by or affecting someone’s mind without their being aware of it.

One out of two. It means exactly what I thought it did.

Today is the fourth day of construction at my house and the last day of the work week.  Thankfully, only six men showed up instead of the usual nine, because that is how many beers I have in the fridge and I didn’t want to have to leave to buy more to treat them at the end of this short work day.  The jefe and his assistant seem to have stayed home to leave the other younger men to complete tiling the kitchen and hammer-and-chiseling out the built-in large bathtub to transform it into a shower and construct a small wall to serve in lieu of shower curtain.

At first I was worried that the jefe hadn’t shown up because last night as I surveyed the day’s work, I noticed two problems.  One was that the tiles on the front porch were not centered.  I can understand that he was lining up the main tile with the tile in the inside of the house, but in fact the porch is more often viewed with the door shut, so as nice a it would have been if they’d taken this into account at the beginning, they didn’t, and so having the line under the door misaligned seems a smaller problem than having the entire porch off-center.

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The second problem was that the bottom step in the hall leading down to my bedroom was 1/2 inch deeper on one side than the other.  Now, these are the steps that have tripped me up three times in the past year, twice sending me careening headfirst into an edge where two walls meet and rendering me unconscious for a few seconds. So, I don’t need a further contributing factor to my own clumsiness.  I do not need one slightly diagonal stair leading up to a square one!

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At any rate, I was dreading pointing this out to the grumpy foreman, but the young man I reported it to was very pleasant and equally helpful when I tripped over one of their damn line up wires for positioning the tiles (heavy fishing line strung between two nails pounded into the cracks between the tiles.)  This is about the fifth time I’ve tripped over the dangerous things, but this one was tangled but still connected to the two nails even though the tile had long been set, so it would not release, and sent me careening down the front stairs, head-first down onto the terrace.

In all, I probably traveled seven feet horizontally and about a foot from house floor level down to terrace level.  If it had been an Olympic event, I might have placed, but as is I just said a few very vile swear words–in English, not Spanish, so perhaps they didn’t have the same effect on listening ears.  At any rate, the nice young man who had heard earlier complaints came running to take my camera out of my hands, (Yes, I was going to photograph the misaligned porch tiles.)  to help me up and then to remove that damn fishing line that should have been removed two days ago.

So, all in all, I’d say my day so far has been anything but subliminal.  But although my entire state for the past week as we moved everything out of the house and then dealt with four days of noise, dust and constant activity has certainly been transitional, it is certainly not been barely perceptible. And in spite of the fact that my stumble and fall over my literal threshold was totally sensory, still, taking the full definition of both terms into account, I seem to be in a state neither liminal nor subliminal.

I’m just lucky that after that nasty spill that my state isn’t terminal!!!! And I can safely say, I think, that my bone density is excellent. This entire discourse, of course, simply acts as an introduction, to The Verse!!!!!

The Threshold

I must say that it’s criminal
how I must deal with liminal
aspects of  this threshold wire
that seem to signal I’ll expire
if they do not complete forthwith
this entryway. It seems a myth
that I will ever pass it freely
without tripping. Will I? Reallly?
I fear my life’s conditional
on it being transitional.

 

For dVerse Poets Pub: Liminal Spaces

Paper Shoes for Ragtag Daily Prompt, June 8, 2024

Paper Shoes

I’m folding me some paper shoes
so I can walk away the blues.
The love poems I cannot recall
I’ll scuff off as I pass the mall.
Someone will find my words all shredded–
how you wooed and won and bedded
one so young and so naive
that she could not help but believe
words pilfered from a Hallmark store
that you had often used before.

All those lovelorn lines obscured.
All that loneliness endured.
On Main Street I will shed my heart—
that part of me you tore apart.
All the lines I wrote about it,
all the times I grew to doubt it.
Your words the heel, my words the sole,
the sidewalks will consume them whole.

All the futile poetry
that passed once between you and me
ground into the pavement where
perhaps two lovers will find it there—
the words like seeds that hung around
hoping for more fertile ground.
Love sprouted from a used-up word
might strike some others as absurd,
but I like to think perhaps
our use of them was just a lapse.
Repeated by those other voices
who choose to live by other choices,
all those words that we now rue
might work for lovers who are new.

For the Ragtag Daily Prompt, the subject is Paper

Interlopers, For NaPoWriMo 2024, Day 16

Interlopers

The little dog sleeps nestled.
No elbow room, even though
just two of us in this big bed.
A truck’s roar  from the road
a mile away. Last night’s near
partiers now gone to bed, but
at 5 AM, the strains of music
from below, Sounds lifting up the mountains
like clouds to float above my bed.
For 15 years, I surrendered
my side of the bed to you.
23 years after, I still
sleep on
the

                                                   other side.

For NaPoWriMo 2024 Day 16

Crazy Shirley Gives a Ted Talk for NaPoWriMo

For NaPoWriMo Day Three :surreal poem. jdb image

“Stop Over”For The Sunday Whirl Wordle # 644, March 3, 2024

 

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Stop Over

Near sunset as the bright light fades, both minds and sky grow hazy,
and all the world shifts down a gear, relaxing into lazy.
Just one urgent swirling bee seems bent upon its tasking.
She lunges downward towards my drink, and lands there without asking.

She lowers her proboscis in order to withdraw
one drop of rum and cola that lies beaded on my straw.
A screaming gull unnerves her—sets her angel wings unfurling,
but her  frenzied efforts to lift off have set my mind to swirling.

Her movements are ungainly. She leans as though to fall.
Then clumsily, she flies away, colliding with the wall.
I question if she’s sober as she flies off upside down,
digressing over water, then careening toward the town.

It’s probable this summer day under a July sun
has fermented all her nectar and added to her fun.
Her slight detour while flying off to her abode
No doubt was her attempt to have just one more for the road!**

     **Can Bees Get Drunk?  In the summer heat, nectar can begin to ferment and create ethanol. Bees that digest this fermented nectar will experience the same effects as humans do when they consume alcohol. Also, tree sap, like that of the lime tree, can also ferment under excessive heat leading to crowds of drunk bees.        How can you tell when a bee is drunk? Studies conducted on bees have shown that alcohol consumption has a similar affect on bees as it does on humans.        When a drunken bee returns to its hive, the guard bees around the hive will identify it by its erratic motion and will not allow it to enter.

To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

To see what led up to this poem, you must first go to Forgottenman’s blog and peek in on a Skype conversation we had prior to my writing it. Go HERE to see his blog, then hurry back here. (In case you wonder who Remi is, that’s what Forgottenman calls me.  Long story…

To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

Please forgive my oscillation
due to my slight trepidation
concerning your excitation
due to your anticipation
of a proposed osculation.
But I fear your oscitation
creates a slight oppilation
blocking much of my elation
concerning your machination.
Will there be conciliation
or gradual occultation
leading to my castigation
and reduction of your station
as simply a tiny ration
of my love life education?

Below are the words he prescribed to be included in a poem, along with their definitions, which he did not bother to provide. Must say, I had never heard of four of them:

Oscillation: to move back and forth between two points, like a pendulumTo vary between two states, amounts, feelings, or opinions
To be undecided about something, or waver between conflicting positions or courses of action
Osculation: kiss
Oscitation:
 the act of being inattentive.

Oppilation: the act of crowding or filling together, an obstruction, particularly in the lower intestines.
Occultation: the state of being hidden from view or lost to notice.
Conciliation: the action of stopping someone from being angry; placation, the action of mediating between two disputing people or groups.re settled through conciliation by the official body”

These are additional rhyming words added by me. None of them obscure, so no definitions necessary:  anticipation elation trepidation education excitation castigation machination station ration.