Tag Archives: Silly Poems

Grandpa’s Solo Visits

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Grandpa’s Solo Visits

It’s mysterious how the volume of our cereal goes down
whenever Grandpa chooses to visit in our town.
Without Grandma’s influence, his willpower is zilch
and so he takes this opportunity to filch
our Coco Puffs and Captain Crunch and other cereal,
for he likes a little crackling in his morning meal
along with all the sugar, ‘cuz he swears it puts some zip
in his faltering “get-along” and soothes his aching hip.
None of us tell Grandma, because once he has his fill,
when we all go out for ice cream, Grandpa picks up the bill!!!!

Prompts today are: volume, cereal, mysterious, filch, influence and crackling. Before you ask, this is pure fiction. Sadly, I never had a grandpa. They both died before I was born. If I’d had one, though, I wish he’d been like this grandpa.

Panegyric for Pachyderm: NaPoWriMo 2022, Day 11

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Panegyric for Pachyderm

Which one among us says I can’t
eulogize an elephant?
Oh thou of ears floppily gray,
of thee I have so much to say.

Words invented will not do.
I have to coin new words for you.
Your skin, in fact, is so abundant
that I must call you epibundant.

And other words unbunkable?
Tuskidopherous and trunkable.
Unchallenged monarch of the zoo,
parades aren’t complete without you.

Your trumpet fills the savanna air
to tell the world that you are there.
Rip Van Wrinkle might better name
thee, monarch of the great untame!

And though by any other term,
loxodonta or pachyderm,
we do not know thee quite as well.
in size and fame, you still excel.

 

For NaPoWriMo Day 11, we are to write a poem about a very large thing. And yes, that is me on the back of that elephant!

Early Release

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Early Release

He barely saw the morning view, he was in such a pother.
He skipped his juice and pancakes. He simply couldn’t bother.
Today no one could find a way to dispel his grief.
His nervousness was clear to all. He couldn’t find relief.
His summer bliss was over. The truth blatantly cruel
as his worst fears came true at last with the first day of school!
He dragged his book bag in the dust and lagged behind the others.
He’d be out at the fishing hole if he had had his druthers.
Pencils his ma had sharpened, he broke against the wall,
so when he had to write things down, he’d have no way at all.
He used his brand new ruler to pry up stones and rocks
to catch red ants and spiders to tie up in his socks.
He caught a lizard just before it zipped under a log,
and put it in his pocket with a field mouse and a frog.
So when he got to school he’d have ample ammunition
to bring the brand new school marm to a sure state of contrition
for imprisoning them all inside on such a nice fall day,
and school would get out early if he had his way!

Prompt words for today are grief, nervous, pother and morning view.

How to Mend a Broken Heart (For Stream of Consciousness Saturday)

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How to Mend a Broken Heart

Pop a really big bowl of popcorn.
Don’t think of calories.
Just ignore the old maids in the bottom––
this is not a fortune-telling experience.
Lots of butter.

Locate chocolate.
If none is to be found,
there is likely a 7-11 within driving distance
no matter where you happen to be.
Get the biggest bar.
A bite of popcorn, then a bite of chocolate.

Locate an old Ma and Pa Kettle movie somewhere online and watch it.
Ma Kettle is you in ten years if your love affair had worked out.
Pa Kettle is who your lover would have turned into.

Find an old Sophia Loren movie online and watch it.
Sophia Loren is who you are now.
Don’t worry about the popcorn.
Sophia Loren wouldn’t.

Imagine Paul Newman eating popcorn
off your bare back.
Flip over.
Flash on making love to Pa Kettle.
Quickly flash back to Paul Newman
now eating popcorn off your bare shoulder blade.

Imagine your ex in a movie theater
watching Paul Newman make love to you
up there on the big screen.
Don’t worry about who your ex is with.

Well, maybe just one little peek.

Your ex is with Ma Kettle!

(If you don’t know who Ma and Pa Kettle are, go HERE.)

The prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “How?”

A Bird in the Hand: NaPoWriMo 2022, Day 7

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A Bird in the Hand

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” a psychic said to me.
Then my psychiatrist said the same, but for a bigger fee.
When people preach to me like this, I get set in my ways.
I’m never going to take advice from folks who spout clichés!
The birds that I’ve had in my hand number very few.
I can’t recall a single time I combed a bush for two.

And so although I know in fact a proverb is not literal,
and that allusions to two birds are very likely clitoral,
still I’m loathe to think in adages as others do.
I have no wish to take a walk in any other’s shoe.
I’ve never thought the grass was greener in my neighbor’s yard.
And spouting other people’s words does not make you a bard.

I don’t think cleverness with words need make us any wiser.
If my neighbor’s lawn is greener, I’ll use more fertilizer.
So please don’t give me your advice using hackneyed phrases.
For all this glib advice just sorta puts me into dazes.
And if you simply must advise, my character to hone,
please do me a favor and use words of your own!!!

 

The prompt for NaPoWriMo today is to write a poem that argues against, or somehow questions, a proverb or saying. They say that “all cats are black at midnight,” but really? Surely some of them remain striped. And maybe there is an ill wind that blows some good. Perhaps that wind just has some mild dyspepsia.  Whatever phrase you pick, I hope you have fun complicating its simplicity. Happy writing!

Tomboy

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Tomboy

She ate all her spinach, devoured all her kale.
She lifted weights and cussed and spit, and still she wasn’t male.
She wanted to be Popeye, but instead was Olive Oyl.
Nothing that she ever did made her less a goil.

She wished on every rainbow, unequivocally,
did her affirmations and squeezed her rosary,
praying for delivery from this female form.
Because she had three brothers, she felt it not the norm.

But when she reached her teenage years, something slowly changed.
Somehow she felt more normal and slightly less deranged.
And though it took a little time, finally she did confess
shyly, to her mother, that she’d like to buy a dress.

She put her hair in curlers and scrubbed her scaly knees,
spent more time upon the phone and less time climbing trees.
Flirted with her brothers’ friends whom formerly she wrestled.
Wound up at the movies, very comfortably nestled

up against the shoulder of a guy named Paul
and found that somehow she felt great. She didn’t mind at all
that she had not been born a boy, because then she’d have missed
that feeling that she felt the very first time she was kissed.

Prompt words today are indeed, equivocal, female, rainbow and squeeze.

Kakorrhaphiophobia

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Kakorrhaphiophobia*

Bemoan the fates of elephants unable to forget,
for it is a talent they’re likely to regret.
Those animals more vacuous have memories that fade
and they forget their failures as soon as they’ve been made.

The present of the wildebeest, for instance, bears no hint
of any past mistakes and so as he begins his sprint,
he has no qualms about his course and runs away assured
that he’s not being herded, sequestered, penned or lured.

So he puts all his energy in living out the present.
His days are worry-free and his nighttimes calm and pleasant.
Not so the worrisome elephant as all his past disasters
dealing with former problems with poachers, hunters, masters

influence every choice he makes in choosing what to do.
Every decision that he makes could be one that he’ll rue.
So don’t go thinking that a sterling memory is pleasant,
for keeping track of all the past can sure screw up your present!

*(The medical definition of kakorrhaphiophobia is abnormal fear of failure.)

Prompt words today are kakorrhaphiophobia, elephant, hint, vacuous and energy.

The Unlikelihood of Dieting

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The Unlikelihood of Dieting

Her curvaceous days were over. She was striving for the minimum.
She wanted her face molded and her abdomen tight as a drum.
She curtailed breakfast waffles and cookies, cakes and pies
and bought a stationary bike to exercise her thighs,
but to coin a phrase I fear her chances were slim pickens
so long as there were French fries and Colonel Sanders chickens!

Prompt words today are over, coin, curvaceous, curtail and minimum.

If I seem to be obsessed about losing weight and body image lately, blame the prompts and the fact that my friend keeps making me eat ice cream!!!

Die Laughing

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Die Laughing

Much of his popularity 
stemmed from his jocularity.
Those who described him as laconic
were certainly being ironic,
for he was fond of show and tell—
where he was rumored to excel
and used his talents more than once
to amuse a captive audience.
His violent end was unexpected.
His funny bone became infected
and went for too long undetected
until his remains were dissected.
But all agreed he’d be amused
to know a bone so overused
would be the one that would so lend
itself to bring about his end.

 

Prompt words today are jocularity, laconic, amused, violent and show. Image by Denis Agati on Unsplash, used with permission.

The Blooming Desert

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The Blooming Desert

Jeeze, Louise!!!!!
Is that your sneeze
that filled this little desert room,
louder than a sonic boom,
and not, in fact, the house collapsing?
Just your allergies relapsing?

More than just a sniff or sneeze—
Not the slightest little breeze,
but one that brings one to one’s knees,
and makes polar icecaps unfreeze!
Although we love the blooming clover,
would that its flowering was soon over.

The palo verde and barrel cactus
have tended to over-impact us.
Morning glory and prickly pear
have proven more than we can bear.
As beauteous as they are, I fear,
what pleases eye just tortures ear!!!

 

Click on flowers to enlarge.

For NaPoWriMo (Not to prompt, I’m afraid.) I woke up with the first four lines of this poem in my head and they pulled me in after them to write this little impromptu poem. Also, for Cee’s FOTD.