Category Archives: humorous poem

Change of Plans

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Change of Plans

On the day you finally realize
that you have gone up a size,
you vow that this time when you try it,
you’re going to stay upon your diet.

The problem is your kitchen’s fraught
with all the food that you just bought.
A trip to Costco sealed your doom,
for though you went to buy a broom

and paper towels and toilet paper,
once you began your shopping caper,
you had no choice except to go
past the chips and candy row.

And then the bakery, with those pies
and cakes right there before your eyes!
So now it seems you must defray
your diet for another day.

There is some force inside that store
so even purists shop for more.
One goes in steadfast, stoic, haughty,
and comes out gluttonous and naughty.

Forgive yourself. No mortal can go
into that store and simply stow
one item in their cart or two.
(Or even wind up with a few.)

The problem is the route you took
and the fact you chose to look.
You should have bought, it is the truth,
more lettuce and less Baby Ruth.

The prompt today was “Realize.”

Absentee Ballot

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For the past fifteen years, I’ve voted by absentee ballot in Mexico. This year I had particular problems with getting registered and thought I’d failed when suddenly, as if by magic, I received my absentee ballot via e-mail.  My good fortune, as I’m presently visiting in the states and I can just mail it in this year and it will get there in time!  So, I connected my laptop to my friend’s printer and pressed the “print” button.  This, truthfully, was the result.

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Absentee Ballot

When I  went to print the ballot out,
minutes later I had to shout
“Stop!!!!” when minute after minute
the printer always had more in it!
It printed out ream after ream
no end in sight—so it would seem.

To vote for president was simple,
but that just seemed to be a pimple
on the ass of all the choices
for which they sought to hear our voices.
Senators for state and nation,
congressmen, then more frustration:

water boards and State Assembly,
then measures ’til my hands grew trembly.
Statements by  candidates to rate,
endorsements, ballot measure debate,
instructions, warnings, declarations
occasioning more perturbations.

School bonds, statutes, legislation,
reeled out with no hesitation.
Tax extensions,cigarette tax,
laws that we were asked to axe.
School laws that were multilingual,
laws prophylactic, cunnilingual.

Initiatives on marijuana,
and fire protection made me wanna
rip my hair and cuss and scream.
Still out they rolled, ream after ream.
When I got to number sixty-seven,
it made me want to pray to heaven,

“Please, dear God, not one measure more
or I’ll soon be at heaven’s door!”
I gave the ballot one more poke
as with one sure determined stroke,
I banned the plastic bag, then broke
my pen over my knee–a joke,

for then another page popped out
as victory smirk turned into pout.
District initiatives, then county
made me rue this voting bounty.
For when I thought that I was done,
I discovered I had just begun.

Pages? Thirty-seven in all
are printed out, before they  fall
fluttering, onto my floor.
The printer burps, pops out one more.
“Oath of Voter” said this one.
And so I cussed.  And I was done!!!

 

 

The prompt today was “Perplexed.”

Busted

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gossardphoto downloaded from internet                             


Busted

Where once I was secure on top,
there’s now a tendency to plop.
So when I dance and when I bop,
unless I want to swing and flop,
I need to engineer a stop–
a sort of midriff traffic cop.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/plop/

Midnight Minuet

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Midnight Minuet

Sneaking down the unlit hall,
we take turns answering nature’s call,
awaiting our own turn to sneak
to the john to have a leak.

In the darkness, we repeat
this rather tricky hourly feat.
Him, then her, then me at last.
So are our nightly ramblings cast.

It is not choice that brings us here
to void ourselves of pop or beer.
In fact, a full night’s sleep we seek—
our intentions strong, but bladders weak.

At eleven, twelve and one and two,
sleeping is what we’d rather do.
Instead, we do-si-do—just missing
the next sojourner bent on pissing!

 

This poem is dedicated to all of those over sixty who find themselves taking more nightly journeys down the hall than in the past. Perhaps, like me, you are a houseguest. If so, there is no avoiding the nocturnal shuffle if your hosts, like you, are of a certain age.

Shiver

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Shiver

That kiss he gave that made me shiver?
I fear he is an Indian giver.
For once he’d given me a smack,
he said I had to give it back!

 

The prompt today was “Shiver.”

Expert

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Expert

I used to be plucky, I used to be pert.
I used to pass muster in shorts or a skirt.
But lately my pert parts have just seemed to shift,
and various parts are in need of a lift.
Big tops are my saviors. Caftans are my friends––
obscuring my excesses, shielding my bends.
Back in my plucky days, I was a flirt,
but seduction is over now I’m an ex-pert!

 

The prompt today was “Expert.”

Witness

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Version 2

Dining Out


When I’m in a public place
talking to friends, face-to-face,
and my secrets I choose to tell
to those I’ve known both long and well;

when I swear them to secrecy,
I need to also remind me
that of two actions I have the choice.
Watch what I say or lower my voice.

What nearby tables say and do,
I’m sometimes silent witness to.
The realization I may lack
is that perhaps they’re listening back!


The prompt word today was “Witness.”

Isn’t it Obvious?

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Isn’t it Obvious?

Isn’t it obvious she dyes her hair?
A color like that is really so rare
that all of the passersby simply must stare.
And look at that bust line and that derriere!

Her skin like a peach, her curves like a pear––
Not an inch of flab on her and no wear-and-tear.
It can’t all be natural. Wouldn’t be fair.
She looks lovely in clothes and she looks better bare.

She looks great as she is, no need for repair.
The contrast is more than a woman can bear.
Though to others I maintain I really don’t care,
each time I see her it’s like a nightmare.

I look in the mirror and just can’t compare.
No facial hair has she. No need for Nair.
Her face never wrinkles, not here and not there.
Her makeup? No smudges. Her nails never tear.

Her clothes never look a tad worse for the wear.
Bags under her eyes? There have never been. Ne’er!
She looks perfect in public. The same in her lair.
And her consort’s the same. They’re the ultimate pair.

Except, isn’t it obvious, she dyes her hair????


It must be obvious by now that the daily prompt was the word “obvious.”

Final Jeopardy

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Final Jeopardy

I don’t feel in jeopardy, don’t feel in danger.
I feel as protected as sheep at a manger.
I’ve deadlocks and bolt locks and high walls and bars,
passwords on my iBook, alarms on my cars.
With insurance policies paid for a year
on my car, house and health, there’s no reason to fear.

Jeopardy lately is something I’m lacking.
My virus protection secures me from hacking.
And as I get older, with more things to fear,
I’ll invest in a cane and Depends for my rear.
Now nearly everything has a solution.
It seems a development in evolution.

Our hides are less tough but our hearts just beat stronger
when we replace them so we can live longer.
We can buy a new hip or replace a bad knee.
There’s only one problem that I can foresee.
Memory replacement is what they should do
so we could remember where we’re walking to!

The prompt today was jeopardize.

 

Stubborn as a . . . .

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Stubborn as a . . . .

I must admit I’m stubborn, argumentative and such.
All these adverse qualities have me in their clutch.
But my mother’s from Missouri and my dad’s family is Dutch,
so they’re  the ones to blame for it, thank you very much!

If you call it tenacity it ends up sounding better.
I go from being mulish to being a go-getter,
and my stubborn tendencies cease to be a fetter.
They serve me as an asset instead of as a debtor.

As dogged as a pit bull,  determined as a cat.
A bull can be most bullish, you can’t argue much with that.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,
and nothing’s stubborn as a pig, no matter what you think.

So if you say I’m mulish, it’s neither here nor there.
Stubborn is one quality that’s not so very rare.
And when you point a finger and say I’m being rancorous,
the animal you’re channeling might be just as cantankerous!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/stubborn/