Category Archives: humorous poem

Illegals Need Not Apply

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Illegals Need Not Apply

We’ve established a mandate to clean up our town—
evict all the illegals, tear their shacks down.
Any esculent foodstuff we find in their digs,
we’ll put in a trough and feed to the pigs,
but our lawyer has issued strong words of advisement
that we must buy a one-week advertisement

telling them where they can pick up their things
before they take off to spread out their wings
to head out for another gullible city
so naive, as we once were, that they will take pity
on these ignorant folks with no backing or dough
who claim that they all have no place to go.

If they’d displayed gumption and shown their compliance
by earning our favor and conquered reliance
(we suspect) on whiskey or illegal drugs,
become steadfast citizens, not (alleged) thugs,
things might have been different, the outcome more pleasant,
but as it is, affairs at the present

have favored their ouster. The townfolks’ conviction
is that they warrant immediate eviction.
We’re God-fearing folks here. We know one-and-all
that when God sees the smallest of sparrows to fall,
he doesn’t mean illegal immigrants or
any of the other indigent poor

who come from the south or the east or the west
trying to find out the place that is best.
What of the jobs that they took cleaning houses,
picking our fruit, ironing our blouses,
cooking our hamburgers, watching our kids,
tending our gardens and getting rid

of our garbage? I’m pretty sure we can find
others to fill them of our own kind.
What college graduate or spoiled kid
of indulgent parents would not want to bid
on a menial job at minimum wage?
I’m sure our “want” ads will be all the rage.

Prompt words today are esculent (fit to be eaten), advertisement, mandate, gumption, reliance and outcome.

Conjoinings (Interspecies and Otherwise)

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Conjoinings (Interspecies and Otherwise)

Spiders have spiderlings, cats have their kittens.
Elbow-length gloves perhaps produce mittens.
Whenever a boy cockroach happens to mount her,
a girl cockroach procreates right on my counter!

Such coteries tend to insist on inbreeding,
but the world’s solidarity comes from cross-seeding.
Thus, mermaids lure sailors onto the rocks
for intercourse better confined to their docks.

When horses and zebras conjoin, then of course,
the end is a hebra, or perhaps  a zorse?
A tiger from Asia and lion from Niger
might call their offshoot a tion or liger.

The tone of this poem? I admit it is crass.
It ends with a haddock  shtupping a bass.
resulting in baddocks or perhaps a hass.
Another stanza? Bet you’re glad that I pass!!

Prompt words are spiderling, tone, solidarity, coterie, counter and dock.

Merry Merry Quite Contrary

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Merry Merry Quite Contrary

By January, “Merry” is an attitude we’re through with—
that once Christmas is over, we don’t know what to do with.
I’ve never heard one person say “Merry Fourth of July,”
as they send a rocket soaring into the sky.

As I review the situations for a celebration,
“Merry” is never used again to signal our elation.
“Have a merry birthday” is a phrase we don’t adore
as we celebrate the fact we’ve piled up one year more.

By the time Christmas is over, I think we’ve used up “merry.”
Are we tired of this adjective? My thought on this is “Very!”
“Happy” seems to be enough for all else that we do—
sufficient for occasions we celebrate anew.

Prompts today are adore, situation, anew, merry, bother and review.

Humbug

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Humbug

I’m already tired of Christmas before it’s even through,
and there are three more gatherings that I still have to do.
I look into the mirror and do not recognize
that woman that looks back at me in my face’s guise.
Should we discuss those brand new lines etched across my face?
How did they choose their birth date? How did they choose their place?

Perhaps they represent my angst over this Christmas season
that somehow soared way out of hand—nearly beyond reason.
Next year I won’t put up a tree. Stow every Xmas light
up in my spare room closet, safely out of sight.
I won’t say Merry Christmas to everyone I meet.
I’ll fly down to Bermuda and complain about the heat.

I’ll stay in a four-star hotel and won’t regret the tab.
I’ll forget my seafood allergies and dine on shrimp and crab.
Or perhaps I’ll go to Paris and scale the Eiffel Tower,
then sit in a sidewalk restaurant, my expression bored and dour.
My Christmas will be different. Perhaps I’ll dine on horse,
swearing when I’m finished that I’ll have no remorse.

Wherever I might choose to go, whatever choice I make,
I will not trim a tree, no Yuletide spirit will I fake.
I won’t bake star-shaped cookies dozen after dozen
or debate on what to buy for any second cousin.
I’ll make no trips to Walmart, braving holiday masses.
I’ll simply get my Yuletide cheer from bottles and from glasses.

Sangria for my breakfast. Tequila served with lunch.
Mid-afternoon martinis drunk with the cocktail bunch.
No over-saturation with holiday excesses.
No presents piled under the tree and wrapping paper messes.
If I have a hangover, it will be gin or port.
No light strings to untangle. No ornaments to sort.

Then, after all is said and done, the truth will be, I fear,
that my Christmas spirit will re-emerge next year.
For, New Year’s resolutions, as firm as they may be,
seldom last throughout the year. Somehow they seem to flee.
And so it is with Christmas. Much as we try to beat it,
It seems that every year we are destined to repeat it.

 

Prompt words today are birth, discuss, nearly, gathering, represent and mirror.

Scrooge Holds Forth on Christmas

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Scrooge Holds Forth on Christmas

It can be a bit frenetic, this yearly Yuletide season,
creating a fiasco beyond any rhyme or reason.
It carries us along on a tide of fir and holly,
demanding we be spirit-filled and reverent and jolly

until we’re nearly saturated with the Yultide spirit,
kind of sick of Christmas before we’re even near it.
All this peace and loving can be a royal pain—
pine needles barely cleared away before they’re here again.

We’re blanketed in blessings, gift-wrapped and over-gay
in an over-decorated binge-filled treacle holiday.
Oh for just one Christmas without reindeer-decked pajamas,
on a sun-filled beach somewhere—perhaps in the Bahamas!!!!

Prompts today are Yuletide, blanket, nearly, fiasco, carry and royal.

Over Zealous Under Zero

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Over Zealous Under Zero

The icicles are monstrous, yet I’m being diplomatic
and trying not to alter my friend’s hopeful schematic.
Feeling if I squelch her passionate ambition
that in the future I will suffer some sort of attrition.

So I’ll take a hike with her in regions rough and hilly,
never mentioning that I’m feeling over-chilly.
My rating of both temperature and walk is less than zero,
but I’ll keep my mouth shut, thereby ranking as a hero!

Prompts today are icicle, diplomatic, rating, attrition, monstrous and so. Last photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash. Rest, by me.

Mostly Covered

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Mostly Covered

Sheep keep snug because they’re fully
covered by a coat that’s wooly
rising right up from their thighs
to the heads above their eyes.
(Though why their legs and feet aren’t covered,
not one of us has yet discovered,)

 

The two remaining prompt words today are wooly and rise.
Neither of these prompts had been published yet when I wrote my earlier poem, so here they are with one of their very own. Image by Judith Prins on Unsplash.

Paragon

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Paragon

I’m a paragon of virtue. I don’t eat me any carbs.
My comebacks are not prickly. My rejoinders bear no barbs.
I never take shortcuts. My work habits are precise.
I’m sure you can foresee that I won’t practice any vice.

I have huge moral fiber. My ethics can’t be beat.
I do not gossip, lie or steal. I do not fight or cheat.
I’m studious and ethical. My boss says I’m a smartie,
but as you might have guessed by now, not much fun at a party!!!

Prompt words today are paragon, foresee, huge and shortcut.

I took this photo of a friend’s dinner when we went out to listen to music last Friday night. Decided that come what may, I’d use it as an illustration for today’s prompt words, only four of which had been posted by the time I decided to write this. As you can see, it is a bit of a stretch, but a resolution is a resolution!

Duelling Chefs

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Duelling Chefs

I try to think up a riposte
to my neighbor’s blatant boast
his guacamole is the best,
well-noted for its creamy zest.

He made it for my solstice party,
cilantro sprigs to make it arty.
And, concerned that we’d run out,
he brought an extra carton out.

Superfluous, for, undiminished,
even his first bowl went unfinished,
for I made guacamole, too,
and it was mine that counted coup.

The two were polar opposites.
Mine was the best. His was the pits.
For though his pot of guac was fine,
I put the pot inside of mine!

Prompt words today are solstice, superfluous, riposte,

polar, concern and carton. Image by Yakshi Virmani on Unsplash.

 

Egg Carton Flowers: Art Day at Judy’s House–Wordle 582

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(Click on Photos to enlarge.)

Egg Carton Flowers: Art Day at Judy’s House

Fairy breath and greedy flush, scissors, paper glue—
they go about the mutual task of everything they do.
Twin sisters, they spill out in life, perpetually torn
apart since that rude splitting the day that they were born.

One demands the pink paint, the other requests blue—
their lips stained orange by Cheetos, fingers covered by goo.
Voices raspy with excitement, they call each other’s bluff
as their grandma hisses fondly, “Girls, that is enough!”

The yellowing sun descends to orange as they end their day
out on the back terrace where they have gone to play.
Safe now that frisky littler dogs are locked behind the screen,
they pet the Scottie’s matted hair, soothed by his gentler mien.

Inside, their older sister helps us clear away their messes.
Not the first time, right? I ask, “No, not quite,” she  confesses.
She fondly rinses paint brushes and points out the incredible—
blue fingerprints on cookies that someone had turned inedible.

The prompt words are bluff torn spill yellowing fairy breath greedy flush soothed safe hiss raspy for Wordle 583 on The Sunday Whirl
Last photo by Harriet Hart. Others by me.

When my good friend Harriet asked if I’d think up a project for her visiting grandaughters, I was pleased to have an excuse to get to know these lovely young ladies. Egg carton flowers it was!!!!