Category Archives: Humor

Grandpa’s Solo Visits

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Grandpa’s Solo Visits

It’s mysterious how the volume of our cereal goes down
whenever Grandpa chooses to visit in our town.
Without Grandma’s influence, his willpower is zilch
and so he takes this opportunity to filch
our Coco Puffs and Captain Crunch and other cereal,
for he likes a little crackling in his morning meal
along with all the sugar, ‘cuz he swears it puts some zip
in his faltering “get-along” and soothes his aching hip.
None of us tell Grandma, because once he has his fill,
when we all go out for ice cream, Grandpa picks up the bill!!!!

Prompts today are: volume, cereal, mysterious, filch, influence and crackling. Before you ask, this is pure fiction. Sadly, I never had a grandpa. They both died before I was born. If I’d had one, though, I wish he’d been like this grandpa.

“To Do”

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My real “To Do” pile!!!
See this ‘to do” list? Does it happen to have feeding time on it?

Click on photos to enlarge and read commentary.

“To Do”

My networking agenda is getting rather full,
and I feel much-encumbered by its towering pull.
File after file lined up row on row,
I encounter my “to do” pile everywhere I go.

If I were more resourceful, I would have got them done,
Instead I follow other paths and thus accomplish none.
My list grows longer by the day, yet I ignore its flow
streaming off my desktop onto the floor below.

If I allow defection and follow unplanned whims,
wasting time in tidepools and swinging off of limbs,
what do I care if niftier friends do as their lists insist.
There’s more to life than what I’ve written up on any list.

 

Prompt words for today are : nifty, resourceful, network, list, encumbered, flow.

Family Heirlooms

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Family Heirlooms

It’s apparent I’m replaceable. At least it is the shout
that you moved in my replacement as soon as I moved out.
I hope that you remember as you stroll down your new path
that your former roadway contains an aftermath.

The heirlooms of our marriage include three children who
don’t share my intention of divorcing you.
They need a proper father and you’re the only one
licensed to address them as daughter and as son.

On the heirloom ring you gave me on our wedding night,
the chimera of your family crest really wasn’t quite
appropriate, though made of gold polished shiny bright,
An ass head on a serpent’s body would have got it right!

 

Prompt words today are apparent, replaceable, aftermath, chimera, proper and heirloom.

Mr. Universe in the Old Age Home

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Mr. Universe in the Old Age Home

His life was lovely and bucolic
prior to his anabolic
stage wherein he played the game
of dosing up to gain a name

and a media barrage
descended on the small garage
where he went to lift more weight
than once he could anticipate.

His life became a mad mirage
of barbells, steroids —a barrage
of contests wherein he competed,
going largely undefeated—

a staircase leading to that time
when he, unchallenged and sublime,
ruled without apology,
a miracle of morphology.

Everybody knew his name.
A survivor, fit, top of his game,
in time his will began to flag
and everything began to sag.

His muscles gone to atrophy,
he is not what he used to be.
His bod of steel reduced to puddle,
he is more comfy now to cuddle,

and so he finds at an old age
that happily, he’s still the rage,
for the old ladies that he hustles
still want to feel his former muscles.

 

Prompts today are game, apology, survivor, bucolic, staircase and mirage.

Winter Adventure Tour, for the Sunday Whirl Wordle 555

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Winter Adventure Tour

That first chilling sound of the ice’s warning crack
and that slithery pinprick feeling of ice water down your back
are sure to leave you feeling disturbingly distraught.
This is more of an adventure than the one you sought.

It’s the sort of trip you’d like to banish from your thoughts,
one devoid of “wants “and stuffed full of the “nots,”
yet it plays against your eyelids with a frequency you’d like
to round up in your head and tell to take a hike.

Your tour guide? He’s a rascal and they ought to string him up.
He’s a weasel, he’s a rat and he’s a mangy low-down pup.
They should brand him as a felon, this king of thoughtless vice
for selling you an outing to skate on such thin ice!!!!

The prompt words are pinprick slithery chilling distraught felon string yet banish lid trip with miss   For Sunday Whirl Wordle 555  Image by Hans Isaacson on Unsplash.

Evening Rush Hour Bus Ride

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Evening Rush Hour Bus Ride

Only one seat left, so I thrust myself within it,
beating out another boarding passenger to win it.
Adjusting all my packages, I didn’t chance to look
at my seat mate, for her face was buried in a book.

I used a lull in traffic to begin a conversation,
but was cut off by the bite of her brutal tongue’s serration.
She sputtered without compromise or mercy or a pause
about what she surmised were my weaknesses and flaws.

Her words sprayed out in spittle, unceasing in their venom.
She criticized my hairdo and my shoe size and my denim.
Not a thing about me pleased her. She was brutal in her spiel.
Had I considered a diet? Was my hair color for real?

At the very next bus stop, I finally took flight.
Miles from where I sought to go, I fled into the night.
It must have been a curse or bad Karma or a hex
that I would end up in a seat next to my boyfriend’s ex!!!

 

Prompts for today are traffic, compromise, flight, serration, spray and please. Image by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.

Implausible Proposal

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Implausible Proposal

You know, that ring that you were hurling
that landed in the sink,

set the water swirling
 as it landed with a clink,

then elected to go curling
into inky depths below,

its extemporaneous whirling
too fast to see it go?

I admit it was just sterling,
and yes, the diamond fake.

It’s zirconium or pearling
for the money that I make,

because more expensive girling
is not a piece of cake.

So, if you want me for my money,
better find another guy.

What I offer to my honey
is not something I can buy!

Prompts for today are ink, extemporaneous, sterling, nigh, elect and yes.

Spousal Failure

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Spousal Failure

My sister met a minister over Love.Com
who’d found God in the trenches while in Vietnam.
And though he had a talent at saving a lost soul,
in fact he was so holy that she slipped out through a hole.

It seems she had an allergy to men who sought to change her.
She thought she’d find another with no need to rearrange her.
And since the fees for Love.Com were close to a King’s ransom,
she set out on her own to find a man over the transom.

She sought him on the subway, at work and in the park.
She sought him in the glare of day and sought him in the dark.
When any man came nigh, she looked him over head-to-toe,
consumed with locating a man wherever she might go.

But an illuminated person, I fear that she is not.
So working on her own, she never found the love she sought.
And since the great love of her life went sadly undetected,
She should have settled on that minister that she rejected.

Rejected ending:

And so, I hate to say, she spent her whole life as a spinster.
All in all, perhaps she should have settled on the minster!

Word prompts are ransom, nigh, consume, minister, illuminated.and allergy
Image by Mosoianu Bogdan on Unsplash.

Kissing With Eyes Closed

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Kissing With Eyes Closed

Though she was not disappointed by the fervor of his kiss,
 in fact it was misguided, for it was a total miss.
It landed on her lash extensions, eyelids to the tips, 
but it would have been more piquant if planted on her lips.

He mopped his sweaty forehead, which was damp from the exertion,
then went in for another kiss in spite of her assertion
that he needn’t do an update. One kiss was quite enough.
Perhaps they could go for a walk or do some other stuff.

Thus ended their first date which could have been a fine romance,
if only she had thought to give the chap a second chance.
Kissing with eyes opened, he was sure that he would kill,
but, alas, I’m fairly certain that he never will.

 

Prompts today are mop, fervor, bereft, piquant, extension and update. Click on prompt links if you want to read other poems to the same prompt or to discover the source to play along yourself.

Dream Perch

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Houndstooth Pillow

Dream Perch

When I can’t locate my pillow, my immediate reaction
is to galvanize my efforts in investigatory action.
I’m elated if I find it slipped behind my bed,
and I immediately restore it to its place beneath my head.

But if I cannot find it and do not have something better,
I have to improvise and use a wadded up old sweater!
When away from home, though, if I require a few
winks and have no sweater, any passing dog will do!

 

 

Prompt words today are pillow, locate, galvanising, elate and sweater.