Category Archives: humorous poem

New Girl

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New Girl

Her turnover in boyfriends is no subject for debate.
They stand outside her classroom door or by her locker wait.
An entire roster of males stands by, perchance to win a date.
There seems to be not one young man loathe to participate.
And though less pretty classmates tend to excoriate,
secretly, each schoolgirl longs to share her fate.

The world is full of femmes fatales: Naomi, Audrey, Kate.
By their very presence they seem to addlepate
every male within their sight, to stir and titillate.
Seemingly unknowingly, they dangle the right bait
that sets the most attractive men into a frenzied state.
It is as though they’re put on earth just to procreate!

There is no power on this earth to which I can equate
the power of these ladies to attract a mate.
If they knew the secret, they perhaps could educate
other women to allure so every man could sate
his passion for a lover at a faster rate,
so the world’s supply of spinsters could more rapidly abate!

 

 

The word prompts today are wait, turnover, participate and world. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/rdp-monday-wait/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/15/fowc-with-fandango-turnover/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/your-daily-word-prompt-participate-april-15-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/world/

Tweeting Kim Kardashian

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Tweeting Kim Kardashian

I recall that picture, but you’ve modified it some.
I fear it’s rather naughty to photoshop your bum!!!

Prompt words are recall, picture, modify and naughty. Here are the links:

https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/14/fowc-with-fandango-recall/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/14/rdp-sunday-picture/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/14/your-daily-word-prompt-modify-april-14-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/14/naughty/

Lazy April

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Then she was so tuckered out that she decided to take a little rest in the hammock.

Lazy April

As the floating clouds of April leave their tracks across the sky,
they keep their rain inside of them. My flower beds are dry.
My characteristic lethargy I fear I’ll have to quell
by getting all the hoses out and turning on the well.
My watering can’s more portable, I could water by hand,
but I am so very lazy, and I fear I’d have to stand
for hours, shedding water everywhere I go.
Watering with a watering can, in short, is way too slow.
I’ll fire up the sprinklers, give the hoses all a jerk
and go back to my hammock and watch them do their work.

 

The prompts were April, track, characteristic and portable. Here are their links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/rdp-saturday-april/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/13/fowc-with-fandango-track/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/your-daily-word-prompt-characteristic-april-13-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/portable/

Excellent Investment Opportunity!!!

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Excellent Investment Opportunity!!!

My old cat will not eat her meals of chicken, meat or fishes.
Can after can, they’re offered, but they do not meet her wishes.
And although she’s demanding, calling for food at all hours,
only now and then do I provide food she devours.

I spend a fortune on her food, but still she oft refuses it.
She lowers her nose and sniffs the air, saunters over and peruses it,
gives two licks, then leaves the rest, meowing for some other
as later it is eaten by the dogs or by her brother.

“Fancy Feast” or “Kitty Cuisine”—whatever, she rejects it,
and if perchance she deigns to dine, afterwards she ejects it.
Since somehow at 18 years old, she’s nonetheless abiding,
perhaps they are hyperbole, these things that I’m confiding,

Still, she is particular and more so as she ages.
At 6 a.m. and noon and five and midnight, how she rages.
It makes no difference whether I am sleeping, sitting, standing.
“Now” and “Now” “NEEEEOW!!!!” she yowls, stubbornly demanding.

Lately, I have had a thought (It’s genius and no less)
of how to please her highness re: this culinary mess.
We need to have new flavors of cat food she might like—
rat or lizard, garter snake, hummingbird or shrike.

Why has no one thought of this? It makes such perfect sense.
Cats do not trawl for tuna or sit upon a fence
waiting for turkeys to trot by. They do not fish for trout.
They wait for passing chipmunks or for mice to run about.

I’m starting up a business canning food that she would eat.
She’ll gobble mouse fresh from the can and soon she’ll be replete.
If I can’t  find investors, I’m going it alone.
“Judy’s Pest Control and Disposal”––killing two birds with one stone.

 

Here, if you are interested, is the first stage of development of my innovational new cat food: https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/04/14/cat-and-mouse/

And here is the final product: https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/04/14/el-raton-cat-food-motivational-and-dispersal-system/

 

The Sesquipedalian’s Absolution

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The Sesquipedalian’s Absolution

When we use ostentatious words,  most folks are not forgiving,
so the perspicacious reader might have a slight misgiving
and greet such words with sideways looks—a sneer, a frown, a cough—
feeling I pontificate, just trying to show off.
Words like “moon” and “June” and “spoon,” ” flowers” and “zephyrus vapors”
are thought more suitable to poems and literary papers
than words like “perspicacious” which might have made you wary,
but—I, too, had to look it up in the dictionary!!!
If you must extract vengeance, please direct it to its source,
for I rely on daily prompts to help me plan my course.
Words like “and” and “but” and “the,” are words that I might cite,
but you can blame “Ragtag” and “FOWC” for words more erudite!

 

 

Words for the day are perspicacious, pontificate, flower and vengeance Here are the links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/10/rdp-wednesday-perspicacious/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/10/fowc-with-fandango-pontificate/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/10/your-daily-word-prompt-flower-april-10-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/10/vengence/

Retribution

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Click on any photo to enlarge all.

They’ve been building a monstrous three-story house across the street for months, the noise level increasing each day, but yesterday, my neighbor down below also started power-washing his house. They’ve continued today, and in addition, my neighbors on the other side have had gardeners operating unbelievably LOUD leaf blowers and chain saws.  It really is unbearable.  Only just now did all the men stop at once for their lunch break, enabling me to plan my revenge while writing today’s poem. Perfectly timed, just as I am typing this last line of my introduction, the power washers have started up again.

Retribution

Brain jarring poundings and drillings and sputterings
give rise to my angry cantankerous mutterings.
Construction on one side, leaf blowers over there.
High pressure power washers shatter the air.
From every direction, I’m besieged by noise.
It’s destroying my brainpower, shredding my poise.
No brilliant solution tops up my mind.
Sabotage is illegal and murder unkind.
I’ve turned up the music, closed windows and doors,
but still I can hear their mechanical roars
and grindings and crashes and rumblings and banging.
I contemplate suicide. Pills, gun or hanging?
Why aren’t my neighbors disturbed by the clamors
of chainsaws, cement mixers, trucks and jackhammers?
After all, it’s their property where men are working.
Yet none of my neighbors seem to be lurking.
They’ve probably all gone away for the day—
finding a quieter place they can stay.
They’ll return in the evening when noises decrease
hungry for dinner and a little peace—
and that’s when I’ll open each window and door,
turn my music amps up and even the score!!!!!

 

Prompt words today are hungry, cantankerous, brilliant and tops.Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/09/rdp-tuesday-hungry/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/09/fowc-with-fandango-cantankerous/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/09/your-daily-word-prompt-brilliant-april-9-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/09/tops/

The Year I Gave Up Childish Things: NaPoWriMo Day 9, Apr 9, 2019

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The Year I Gave Up Childish Things

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The Year I Gave Up Childish Things

At the age of sixty-eight,
I’ve no wish to equivocate.
Is there a time when childhood ends?
When we give up playful friends?
Cease to lie in grass and dream?
Drink our coffee without cream?
Always do what’s reasonable
in order to avoid life’s trouble?
Say no to candy and dessert?
Cease to giggle, joke and flirt?
If so, I can’t remember mine.
Perhaps when I am sixty-nine!

The NaPoWrMo prompt is to construct a poem of “things.”

“The Fix”

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“The Fix”

–a difficult or awkward situation from which it is hard to
extricate oneself; a predicament.“how on earth did you get
into such a fix?”
predicament, plight, difficult a, difficult situation, awkward
situation, spot of trouble, bit of bother, corner,
ticklish/tricky situation, tight spot
–a dose of a narcotic drug to which one is addicted.
   “he hadn’t had his fix.”

Although you assure me you are strictly on the level,
your very need to do so makes me think you are the devil.
I find your ethics tenuous, they’re there and then they vanish.
Your motives start out lily white but end up rather tannish.
You’re fine at razzle-dazzle. You expertly shoot the breeze.
You flatter and finagle, you smile and flirt and tease,
but have you really done the job or were you merely acting?
Is your expertise for real or merely reenacting
what you saw in movies or surveyed on the TV?
Has fiction finally managed to replace reality?

Did you get your medical knowhow from college texts you’ve read,
or learn your bedside manner viewing Chicago Med?
Do you really know the way to set a joist or beam?
Can you really hem a skirt or sew an even seam?
Do you know how to fix my brakes, change oil and do a lube
or did you merely look it up last night on You Tube?
TV is our Bible and whatever we may view
becomes the thing it is okay to become or do.
We put our idols in office, be they hero, fool or rogue.
What is most entertaining becomes what is in vogue.

Why has the world fallen into this state of dereliction?
Simply because we cannot—distinguish fact from fiction!!!

The words of the day are dazzle, tenuous, breeze and level. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/08/rdp-monday-dazzle/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/08/fowc-with-fandango-tenuous/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/08/your-daily-word-prompt-breeze-april-8-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/08/level/

The NaPoWriMo prompt today was to write a poem based on a slang word or phrase or acronym specific to a certain job. Hmmm. That’s a corker!!! Mine seems to work on so many different levels lately, but particularly when it comes to politics.

Past Due

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Past Due

No laundry can remove the lipstick stains from all your collars,
and you can’t buy atonement with all your guilty dollars.
I won’t condone your straying or ease one guilty thought.
My trust in you can’t be restored. Forgiveness can’t be bought.

You’ve plenty of excuses backed up with your regret,
but your tears won’t get you anything but wet.
I’m tired of all your stories, unaffected by your tears.
Fidelity is something you can’t pay for in arrears.

 

Prompt words today are laundry, condone, plenty and collar. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/rdp-friday-laundry
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/05/fowc-with-fandango-condone/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/your-daily-word-prompt-plenty-april-5-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/collar/

Green Cuisine

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Christine Goodnough knows me so well. When she issued this challenge, she probably knew I’d not only do her bidding, but exceed it.  Here is her challenge:

I enjoyed your poem very much. However, it did set my mind to whirling, especially the part about ugly words having a charm of their own. So here are a few…er…unique words. And since it’s April, they’re green. I challenge you to whip up a poem with three of them. 😉

chlorophyll
fettuccine
poison ivy
rosemary
parakeet

Greenland

Yes, of course I used not only three but all of them.  Overachievers never grow up, after all.

Green Cuisine

Since my parakeet moved to Greenland, green things are all he’ll eat,
so cuisine without much chlorophyll is sure to meet defeat.
He’ll eat poison ivy and rosemary and dill.
Basil with fettuccine is welcome in his bill.

But just plain yellow birdseed is a taste he’d never pick.
He prefers green tea ice cream even though he cannot lick.
His speed devouring veggies is the fastest I have seen
so long as I remember that those veggies must be GREEN!!