Category Archives: humorous poem

Living in Sin

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Living in Sin

Marriage is “legal tender,” a permit to fuse—
a government license for a couple to amuse.
Some cohabit without it, in a sort of ruse
which causes all the neighbors to gossip and accuse.
If they were more nondescript, perhaps they could just use
masks or garments to disguise, to obscure and confuse
their detractors, but alas, there’s no means they can use.
At six foot six, identities aren’t possible to lose.

I think my cousin’s sons might be taller than six foot six, actually. Next to my sister Patti, they seem to tower. Their photos are used for illustration purposes only.  Neither to my knowledge has committed any action to make the neighbors gossip.

The words of the day are tender, neighbor, nondescript and fuse.
And the links, in case you want to play along, are below:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/08/20/rdp-81-tender/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/08/20/fowc-with-fandango-neighbor/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/08/20/nondescript/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/fuse

The Roue

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The Roue

A fresh bloom picked from the garden was his daily treat.
One day a simple tulip, upright and discreet.
Another day a floozie rose––her petals a bit blowsy.
Wisteria or cherry blossoms, drooping, shedding, drowsy.
Often he’d remarked to friends how romance was so fungible,
for with a garden fully stocked, each flower was expungeable.

 

The prompts for the day were blossom, remark, treat and fungible (mutually interchangeable) For fun, I’m also including this in Cee’s Flower of the Day. Yes, I know expungeable isn’t a word, but it should be, so I’m introducing it into the English language.  Merriam-Webster take heed.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/rdp73-fungible/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/08/12/fowc-with-fandango-treat/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/remark
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/blossom/
https://ceenphotography.com/2018/08/11/flower-of-the-day-august-12-2018-dahlia/

Bad Date

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Bad Date

The harmony’s broken. You’ve struck such bad chords.
You’ve the ego of kings, the demeanor of lords.
With that attitude, sir, I’m afraid you won’t score.
Here’s your hat. Here’s your coat, and there is the door!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/08/11/harmony/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/08/11/fowc-with-fandango-attitude/

Breaking Her Diet

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Breaking Her Diet

I measure her cat food with care from the vat,
but she has such an aptitude, my little cat
for flushing out lizards and others like that.
With delicate paw thrusts, she gives them a bat
’til they barely know where it is that they’re at,
then unleashes her claws for a more severe pat.

Be it lizard or bird or scorpion or rat,
she defeats it as though it were merely a gnat
and lays it out nicely on my front door mat:
one scorpion sting less or a feather for my hat,
then returns to the stool where she formerly sat,
licking her chops, and that’s why she’s so fat!!!

 

The prompts were cat, aptitude and delicate.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/08/11/rdp-72-cat/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/08/11/fowc-with-fandango-aptitude/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/delicate

Unseen Forces

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Unseen Forces

A sneeze is how a poltergeist gets outside of you.
At night a different stinky elf sleeps inside each shoe.

Every creaking rafter supports a different ghost,
and it’s little gremlins who make you burn the toast.

Each night those tricky fairies put snarls in your hair,
while pixies in your sock drawer unsort every pair.

Midnight curtain billows are caused by banshee whistles.
Vampires use your toothbrush and put cooties in its bristles.

Truths all come in singles. It’s lies that come in pairs.
That’s a zombie, not a teenager, sneaking up the stairs.

 

https://dversepoets.com/

Guinea Pig

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Guinea Pig

That my doctor has a practice is not too reassuring.
For when it comes to how accomplished he is in his curing,
I’m a little worried, and I must admit the fact is
I’d prefer an expert doctor who’s already done his practice!

 

 

The prompt word was practice. Illustration by Petco.

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/

The Naming of Gassy Dan

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The Naming of Gassy Dan

I’ll tell you of a man I knew by name of Gassy Dan.
It’s true he was a glutton—a mountain of a man.
A sopper-up of every bowl, a scraper of each pan.

He wasn’t the most pleasant guest to ever grace one’s table,
for his appetite was something of legend and of fable
as he gobbled up more than his share whenever he was able.

Once seated at the table, though, he never had enough
of pork chop and of gravy, still he’d commence to huff
and puff about some gossip with language rude and rough.

With his slanderous assertions, his posturings and brayings,
his sanctimonious protests and all of his trite sayings,
he punished all our eardrums with incessant oral flayings.

Thus the rumblings at our table as we commenced to sup
were not his gastric gasses growling like a pup.
His borborygmus rumblings came from farther up. 


The Ragtag prompt for the day is borborygmus. bor·bo·ryg·mus (a rumbling or gurgling noise made by the movement of fluid and gas in the intestines.)

When You Don’t Have Time to Dry Your Undies Before You Leave Home

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Panty Parade Down Main Street

If you’re bent on traveling, if you need to roam,
it’s best to dry your undies before you leave your home.

It must be that both of you are down to your last pairs,
but waving them out of your car can’t help but to draw stares.

I wonder if your dryer quit because your power was gone.
But most of all, I wonder, have you any on?

 

Cee’s Odd Ball Challenge.

Time Out!

6 Replies

 

Time Out!

He was an avid sports fan. Alas, his wife was not.
With box scores and with averages, his mind was fully fraught.
Tennis, football, cricket? It mattered not a whit.
If a ball was fought over, he had to witness it.
Basketball and baseball and soccer were the same
as golf to him. Whatever. For all sport he was game.
At last, his wife had had enough and did what she was able
to cure his wild obsession. She cut the TV cable.

The TV went as black as night. The sports fan sat in shock.
He did not move a muscle. He did not blink or talk.
Then he began to jerk and shake as though having a fit.
Withdrawal from his sports fix seemed the cause of it.
As his delirium tremens overtook his life,
 things were getting better for his kids and wife.
His wife could watch her soap operas, the kids watched their cartoons.
No longer did a sports announcer fill their afternoons.

This furtive arrangement lasted for awhile
until our ballgame junkie figured out their guile.
He moved into a condo to catch up on his sport
and his wife remarried to another sort
who did not know a baseball from a hockey puck.
That such a man existed, she could not believe her luck!
The blessed quiet of her house with no announcer shouting
made her glad she turned her spouse’s inning to an outing!

The Prompts:

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/07/27/fowc-with-fandango-arrangement/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/07/26/avid-july-27-2018/

A Vindication of Single Life

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A Vindication of Single Life

I will not love for comfort. I will not love for gold.
I will not love for custom nor approval of the fold.
The handsomest of profiles will not win my hand.
Fair face alone will not insure I’ll wear a wedding band.

Those whom others seek to wed are not my man of choice.
I want a man gentle of heart but bold of word and voice.
One with an eye for beauty written in other places
aside from what the world demands in figure and in faces.

That certain novel contour molded by his hand.
A forearm strongly muscled. Sinewy and tanned.
Serious in nature, but not too melancholy.
Capable of fine reasoning, but also fun and jolly.

A man who carries others securely in his heart.
A man I am a part of even when we are apart.
An oddball twist of humor. A unique bend of mind.
Someone glib in rejoinder, but also fair and kind.

I am by no means perfect in demeanor nor in form.
My face is not the fairest and my habits aren’t the norm.
I am not the world’s best dancer nor a very sexy dame,
but  I bet someone exists whose imperfections are the same!


Written for these two prompts.  Check out their URLS and come play along:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/rdp-50-gold/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/07/20/fowc-with-fandango-melancholy/