Category Archives: Humor

For Fibbing Friday, Mar 15, 2024

Look closely. Yes, that is me with a python around my neck, circa 1973.
Alas, not in Africa as in question #3, but in Sri Lanka! That is not its head in my mouth,
but rather the snake-charmer’s musical pipe. The snake’s head is coiled around it,
its body hanging around my neck. Hard to see as we are dressed similarly.

For Fibbing Friday the challenges are:

1. What is a juggernaut?  Everything except a jugger.
2. What is an HGV?  An Home and Garden Magazine placed face-down on the table.
3. What is an off roader?  An African Snake.
4. What is a 4 X 4? A double double-date.
5. What is a turbine? A crossroads in a city area.
6. Where will you find an octave? In an aquarium. It is the anatomical spot where one arm meets another on an octopus. 
7. What is a dovetail joint? Well, obviously, it’s the spot where a dove’s tail joins with its body!!! Also, a place where doves hang out for a bit of refreshment after flying around all day.
8. What is a messerschmitt? Oh, it is one of the Schmitt boys confessing to the headmaster who is asking who drew the rude picture of the teacher on the blackboard. (Me, Sir–Schmitt!)
9. What is a tangerine? A Gerine that has been working out in the sun all summer. 
10. What is a mattock?  On a timekeeper’s watch, the sound that occurs right after a tick during a wrestling match as he times the seconds an opponent’s shoulders have been pinned to the mat.

Lost and Found

Determined not to ask one more time for Yolanda to find something for me, I combed the house for my driving glasses for at least 5 minutes.  Finally, I asked her to please be on the lookout for them, at which point, she pointed to my head! (The glasses attached to my nose and ears are my reading glasses.)

 

“Off Notes” For Fibbing Friday, Mar 8, 2024

My sister Betty started a family tradition by playing a saxophone later handed down to my sister Patti, then me, then my niece Cintra!!  It must now be at least 75 years old. I wonder where it is now!  I dedicate this piece to Patti and Cintra, who are together now in Arizona.

For Fibbing Friday, the challenge is a supposed musical interlude:

1. What is a French horn?  A former Parisian lady of the night who went to school and became a nurse.  (French ho RN) I came back and read this a week later and couldn’t figure it out, either, so thought I’d give a clue.)

2. What is a cornet? A very small callus on a toe caused by too much time spent in the marching band.

3. What is a clarinet?   ‘S  a  cream pastry with chocolate frosting served in a small mesh  takeout bag.

4. What is a snare drum?  ‘S an Eardrum pronounced in a southern accent.

5. What is a viola?  An unpleasant one night stand.

6. What is a double bass?  A set of conjoined fish.

7. What is the difference between a Concert, Upright or Grand? The first is a musical presentation. The second is a musical position and the third a musical pretension.

8. What is campanology?  An impossibility, because there is really nothing to compare to the truly flamboyant!! 

9. What is a trombone? It is what the llp bone is connected to.

10. What is timpani? A type of drum made out of a tin frying pan.

Doggie Wisdom

(Passed on to me by a friend.  Thanks, Joan!)

“Stop Over”For The Sunday Whirl Wordle # 644, March 3, 2024

 

jdb photo

Stop Over

Near sunset as the bright light fades, both minds and sky grow hazy,
and all the world shifts down a gear, relaxing into lazy.
Just one urgent swirling bee seems bent upon its tasking.
She lunges downward towards my drink, and lands there without asking.

She lowers her proboscis in order to withdraw
one drop of rum and cola that lies beaded on my straw.
A screaming gull unnerves her—sets her angel wings unfurling,
but her  frenzied efforts to lift off have set my mind to swirling.

Her movements are ungainly. She leans as though to fall.
Then clumsily, she flies away, colliding with the wall.
I question if she’s sober as she flies off upside down,
digressing over water, then careening toward the town.

It’s probable this summer day under a July sun
has fermented all her nectar and added to her fun.
Her slight detour while flying off to her abode
No doubt was her attempt to have just one more for the road!**

     **Can Bees Get Drunk?  In the summer heat, nectar can begin to ferment and create ethanol. Bees that digest this fermented nectar will experience the same effects as humans do when they consume alcohol. Also, tree sap, like that of the lime tree, can also ferment under excessive heat leading to crowds of drunk bees.        How can you tell when a bee is drunk? Studies conducted on bees have shown that alcohol consumption has a similar affect on bees as it does on humans.        When a drunken bee returns to its hive, the guard bees around the hive will identify it by its erratic motion and will not allow it to enter.

Couldn’t Resist: Daily Funny

Fibbing Friday, Mar 1, 2024

Murdo Grade School

 

These are more recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator :

  1. What is the most intelligent life form on Earth?  Duh. AI, of course!!!!
  2. Why did we really go to school?  For Recess.
  3. What did teachers do during recess? Oops. You aniticipated my answer to number 2! That said, I’m sure they sat at their desks missing us.
  4. How did you get to school? I walked…through wind, rain, snow, sleet…to my school which was directly across the street from my house. My parents never once drove me.
  5. What was life like before the Internet? Butterfly nets, basketball nets, net stockings, 
  6. What is the best thing about social media? No whiffs of bad breath.
  7. What is your favorite thing to put chocolate sauce on? My tongue.
  8. Doctors were all wrong…humans don’t need water. What do they need? Cheetos Torciditos.
  9. Dolphins are not mammals. What are they? The  second most intelligent life form on Earth, right after AI
  10. There is a Lost Dutchman’s Mine, but where is it? If we knew, it wouldn’t be lost, would it? 

 

For Fibbing Friday

Holy Moly…”The Reply” for MVB, Feb 26, 2024

 Holy Moly

My friend Michael and I love to issue poetry challenges to each other.  We once did one on parts of the body:  Knees, etc.  So, when I noticed his bandaged big toe and asked if it was broken and he replied that he’d had a mole removed from it, I decided it was time for another challenge.  Below is his poem and then my reply:

ODE TO A MOLE (recently removed from my toe)

 Old friend, we trod the bumpy road
of ups and downs together, you and me –
I send you home with this sad ode
to join your scabby family.

You were an ugly, lumpy one
but always benign in your own way –
you did no harm to anyone,
now you’re cut off and thrown away.

Although your features did not please,
I give you this, my final thought
for one who sometimes smelt like cheese
“They also serve who only stand and wart!”

                                                          Michael Warren

 

This poem was written in reply to Michael’s. May he forgive me for using his personae in writing it.

Holy Moly

Oh mole that graced my biggest toe,
you had a thankless row to hoe.
I did not know your purpose there–
devoid of title and of hair.
Had I but known why you were given,
had you only come and shriven,
I might have given absolution,
reacted with less resolution
to sever our relationship
–to halt the surgeon’s unkind snip.

We have so little knowledge of
digits that fill our socks or glove.
We do not know of strange attractions
that might have influenced your actions.
Oh mole that lived beneath my knee,
my leg, my ankle and most of me––
that chose to dwell far far below,
clinging to my aging toe.
What fierce attraction brought you there
to form this most unlikely pair?

Came you from Nile or from Ganges
to wed largest of my phalanges?
How did you choose from all that were
to settle there on him or her?
(I am embarrassed here to note,
I only know my toes by rote:
big toe, second toe, middle toe, stinky,
little toe, simply known as pinky.
I do not know their names or gender,
only that they’re long and slender.)

True, I clip their nails with care––
remove the occasional long-grown hair––
but I never address my bod
lest others label me as odd.
So you must know this apology
is no means a doxology.
I do no honor to thy name.
I do not wish to spread your fame.
In short, that act would be absurd.
I simply want to say a word

explaining to you that although
your habitation of my toe
was ended by easy decision,
I felt no scorn and no derision.
I hope this ode might serve to leaven
your anger as you speed towards heaven.
I really would not like to think
that once arrived, you’d raise a stink
to blacklist my immortal soul
by making a mountain out of a mole.

                               –Judy Dykstra-Brown

For MVB the prompt is reply.

“Best Attempts” for Fibbing Friday, FEB 23, 2024

1.  What is an orderly? The opposite of a chaotic.
2. What is an auxiliary? A hospital for sick oxen.
3. What is a clip? A fingernail shaving.
4. What does ECG mean?  Eat Carefully, Girl! (Mother’s parting instructions to her daughter leaving for her first dinner date.)
5.  What is The Crash Team? Every college student the night before a final.
6.  What is a candy striper? Someone responsible for adding the red to candy canes.
7.  What is an IV? The Roman numeral after III and before V.
8.  What is a call button?  A shirt closure for hire.
9.  Why is everything white? Because you are in a hospital.
10. Why don’t they have biscuits on the tea trolley? Because they just donut!

FOR PENSITIVITY’S FIBBING FRIDAY

Hallofourthofvalenmas

 

Hallo-fourthof-valen-mas

This festival’s the weirdest of any that I’ve seen—
a crazy combination of Christmas and Halloween.
The hire-a-Santa in the mall wears bear paws on his feet
and when the kids climb on his lap, they mutter, “Trick or Treat!”
Below the Christmas wreaths above, door knockers are kept busy
as grandmas baking Yule logs are kept in a fine tizzy
by swarms of little carolers who can barely reach
the door knockers, who gather with arms up to beseech
the homeowners for candy after every song,
then stuff it in the Christmas stockings that they brought along.

Scores of scavengers dressed  up like shepherds or like kings
as well as Virgin Marys or angels sporting wings
abandon Christmas pageants to Trick-or-Treat instead.
You might ask me by what edict the world was made to wed
Halloween and Christmas? What legislative body
chose two celebrations equally over-gaudy
and mixed them both together to try to regulate
the number of occasions  on which we celebrate?

I think it was the W-H-O that thought up this solution
to try to deal with Covid and to try to curb pollution,
then issued this weird sentence and made us all comply
to celebrate all holidays on the fourth of July!
And so in combination with the skeletons and holly,
as witches and small ghosts are enjoined to act more  jolly,
fireworks are exploding in the sky far up above,
and as they trick-and-treat they also express love
by handing out their valentines—kill two birds with one stone
by trading hearts for Hershey bars with a ghostly moan.
And that’s how Hallo-fourthof-valen-mas has come to be
the only time when we’re allowed a group festivity.
And since part of it’s Halloween, without being asked
every guest, no matter what their politics, comes masked!!!

 

In question 4069, Ann Koplow has asked us to describe a new holiday. This is mine.