Category Archives: humorous poem

Grandpa’s Stories

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Grandpa’s Stories

She smelled of gin and jasmine and was a lovely sight,
with her intricate maneuvers as she engineered her flight
out the back door of the restaurant and then over the hill
to escape the sure appearance of her dinner bill.
The leadership of angels led me on my quest
to pursue over hill and dale with muffler and with vest,

for it was a winter evening, swathed in ice and frost,
and I feared that she would freeze or at the very least, get lost.
When I found her in the forest, I offered her the garment,
told her that I’d paid her bill and kicked the snarling varmint
that dashed at her from bushes, and therefore saved her life
and that is how I came to meet up with my wife!

I’ve guarded her from varmints and paid her bills since then,
kept her warm and safe and supplied her with her gin.
You know her now as Grannie, old and soft and pale,
but you should know your grandma was not always so frail.
When you go out partying, feeling wild and free,
those are traits you got from her, and certainly not me!!!

Prompt words today are frost, offer, leadership, intricate, bill and jasmine. I never knew either of my grandpas, but if I had, I hope they would have told silly stories like this one!!

Elefante

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Elefante

In spite of the excrescence on my spaniel’s snout,
he seems to have no problem in sniffing danger out.

When he has an inkling that a cougar or a bear
is within a mile of us, his nose extraordinaire

indicates a warning with a sniff and then a snort,
signaling that it would be a good time to abort

previous plans in order for me to begin musing
about a route more suitable for less dangerous cruising.

He’s a canine Dustin Hoffman or a man’s best friend Durante,
so excessive in proboscis that I’ve named him “Elefante.”

A prince of nasal warning, he’s the hero of my life,
so I’d never dream of yielding him to the surgeon’s knife,

for unlike other species, dogs are not subject to vanity—
another indication of the extent of their sanity.

 

Prompt words today are *excrescence, dangerous, musing, inkling, prince and responsible. *An excrescence is a distinct outgrowth on a human or animal body or on a plant, especially one that is the result of disease or abnormality. As you might have guessed, “elefante” is Spanish for elephant. Image from Unsplash.

Speed Dating

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Speed Dating

Leaning on the table, you taste your glass of wine,
enact acts of seduction that in truth should have been mine.
Your fingers on my elbow tap a light tattoo.
High on wine and romance, I lean over to kiss you,
but this invigorating juncture ends before we’re able
as the bell sounds and each of us is off to a new table.

Prompt words are leaning, wine, invigorating, enact, tattoo, high. Image by Jiawei Zhao on Unsplash.

The Proposal

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The Proposal

He’s economically trustworthy, but has a humdrum mind.
He’ll never write a sonnet, for he’s more the right-brain kind.
He’ll never sculpt a fountain or create a work of art,
but he’s brilliant at accounting, numerically smart.
So he won’t paint your masterpiece, but if you ever spy it,
if he’s the one you married, you can bet that he can buy it!!

Prompt words are sonnet, fountain, humdrum, economic, trustworthy. Image by Andra Jackson on Unsplash.

Teenage Angst

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Teenage Angst

High dudgeon is the proper mood of teenage revolution,
and their parents’ interference will not aid in its dilution.
Tactics that they utilize to make their children straight
do little to sort it out, and instead, agitate,
creating more rebellion. So, leave them to their snit.
By the time they’re twenty, they’ll grow out of it!

words today are dudgeon, interference, revolution, utilize, straight.

The Dandelion Forest

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The Dandelion Forest

The dandelion forest is spooky deep inside,
so it’s not a perfect place for small creatures to hide,
but when a mouse comes creeping up to steal a single berry
from your breakfast cereal, he’ll put up with those scary
dandelion spirits who register the stress
of all the timid creatures who register distress
and quickly gobble up those fearful ones who enter.
He’ll weave around the edges, avoiding  the dead center,
careful not to manifest any dread or fear,
so the dandelion goblins will not come very near.
I’m qualified to tell you this tale I verify
is the gospel truth, for I wouldn’t tell a lie.
That a stand of dandelions is a cause for care,
maybe isn’t obvious when you are way up there,
but before you question this tale of fear and vice,
remember that this tiny mouse is not afraid of mice!!!!

 

Prompt words are spooky, qualified, register, manifest, berry and dandelion. Mouse image by Ricky Kharawala on Unsplash, Dandelion by Judy. And, also for Cee’s FOTD.

I admit, this one is a stretch, but a person’s gotta try…..

Can of Worms

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Can of Worms

I find I have no antidote for your ogreish moods.
I can’t dispel your fury and the dark cloud it exudes.
Nothing can dissuade you from your atrocious mood.
It is your obligation to sit there and to brood.

I try to draw you out the door to take a little walk—
to absorb the joys of nature, for a picnic and a talk,
but your mood is much too durable to fall apart so easily.
It cannot be deflected by cajoling made so breezily.

If I drew a stat sheet on these redundant snits
that are bound to come on weekly and soon turn into fits,
the graph would be predictable, with bad moods every Monday—
ironically, that day you’ve set aside and call your funday.

It’s that day you go out feeling fine and come home feeling sick—
that day that you go fishing with your brother Rick
who always catches bigger fish than those that choose your hook—
the ones that you throw back and don’t bring home for me to cook.

So, all-in-all, my gloomy spouse, the thing that I’ve been wishing
is that you’d suspend your bouts of familial fishing.
Stay home with me and prove to me that you’re my sexy man,
and we can dine on  tunafish straight out of a can!!!

 

Promp words for the day are ogreish, obligation, stat, durable, draw and redundant.

Vulture

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Vulture

I am not too fond of this peculiar guy
who seeks an invitation to see my latest buy.

He barely fits the envelope of people I can bear,
for he is always scouting out possessions that are rare.

So it is with priceless antiques that he says are just old
and so he makes these propositions that are brash and bold.

When I replace this table with one brand spanking new,
he could haul off this old one for me (for a buck or two.)

He thinks I do not know the value of all that I buy
and so he reconnoiters with a greedy eye,

and when he sees an object that has seen a bit of wear,
he’ll focus on the object with his greedy stare

and say that when I’m done with it and go to buy another,
he could take my old one and give it to his mother.

Friends like this, I’m sure you’ll say, come a dime a dozen,
and I’d agree and shun him if he weren’t my only cousin!

Prompt words today are envelope, peculiar, invitation, seek, latest and spanking.

Makeover

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Makeover

She yearned to be apocryphal, a legend in her time.
Her face on Wikipedia would make her feel sublime.
She yearned to be a feature in all the major papers.
To be of national interest would give the girl the vapors.
Her impact on the fashion scene she knew could change the world.
They’d want to know her lipstick brand and how her hair was curled.
The collapse of world markets would be based on her whims—
where she took her refreshments and where she took her swims.
It didn’t really matter what was inside her head,
for everyone would concentrate on what she did instead.
Her bikin waxes and her French manicure
would be the accomplishments destined to endure.
No one would remember the plain girl that she’d been
once that she had changed her name to Kardashian.

Prompt words today are face, feature, collapse, apocryphal,  impact, refreshments. Image by Freestocks on Unsplash.

Tonala Adventure

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Tonala Adventure

When my family visited, we took a little drive
to Tonala for shopping and all that tourist jive.
And no, you’re not hallucinating. I met a new guy.
I think he is stunning and I’m apple of his eye.

I found him at my favorite store, on a small settee
that had room for two only and the other half was free.
But shortly after I sat down, his hand was on my knee!
I told his wife about it and she said “It’s fine with me.”

She was busy at the desk, adding up their sales,
balancing their ledgers and polishing her nails.
So in spite of her presence, we started our romance.
With no further touching, it was woo by speech and glance.

It’s true he was a smoker and that really got my goat.
I told him he was likely to get cancer of the throat.
 I had a quick solution that I hastened to propose,
that he take his cancer stick and stick it up his nose.

Our flirtation was soon over as I left the store with nieces,
sadly fearing that my heart had been reduced to pieces.
I never had an inkling that I would ever meet
such a stunning cowboy so handsome and so sweet.

But alas, it was inevitable that we two would part,
for I learned that in his stuffing, they had failed to add a heart.

Prompt words today are drive, hallucinate, stun, spite and inkling.