Category Archives: humorous poem

Bar Stool Bozos and the Predictable Come-on Line

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Bar Stool Bozos and the Predictable Come-on Line

A new potential conquest is seen falling from her stool
in bodily protection from contact with this fool.
He’s a denizen of single bars, a problem to avoid,
for he’s sure to leave you listless, if not, in fact, annoyed.

How many boring platitudes can one bromide spout?
How may time-worn come-on lines are vying to get out
of lips that move unceasingly, spilling into the night
all the obvious clichés that he’s driven to cite?

Of all the gin joints in the world, why did he enter in
into the one where you came to have a quiet gin?
There should be a law passed that you get to vote on who
gets to wander into bars and saunter up to you.

They should have to pass an I.Q. test, then be sorted and tagged,
from “interesting” to “boring,” and the worst should then be gagged
with a small hole for a soda straw so they could go on drinking
without the ones around them having to know what they’re thinking.

 

Notable come-on lines that are grounds for gagging:

“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”
“If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
“We gotta get you outa that wet dress and into a dry martini.”

 

Prompt words today are bromide, falling, denizen and problem.

Note: Bromide in literary usage means a phrase, cliché, or platitude that is trite or unoriginal. It can be intended to soothe or placate; it can suggest insincerity or a lack of originality in the speaker. Bromide can also mean a commonplace or tiresome person, a bore (a person who speaks in bromides).

Eulogy for Artichokes

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Eulogy for Artichokes

Behold the bristly artichokes scattered through the field—
delicious little thistles when boiled, buttered, peeled.
With our taste buds wakened and when they’re salted slightly,
it takes a bit of discipline to try to eat politely.

Leaf by leaf, we peel them bare, scraping off their meat.
We like them better with each tiny bit of them we eat.
Then scraping off the “chokey” part, we gobble down the heart.
They told us all along that this would be our favorite part.

Who knew these fat green pinecones would turn out to be so tasty?
Now we wish consumption of them hadn’t been so hasty.
And even after plates are bare and not a morsel lingers,
we’d like to slurp the butter up and lick it from our fingers.

 

Prompts for the day are scattered, field, discipline, bristly and wake. Image by Margaret Jaszowski on Unsplash.

Kakorrhaphiophobia

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Kakorrhaphiophobia*

Bemoan the fates of elephants unable to forget,
for it is a talent they’re likely to regret.
Those animals more vacuous have memories that fade
and they forget their failures as soon as they’ve been made.

The present of the wildebeest, for instance, bears no hint
of any past mistakes and so as he begins his sprint,
he has no qualms about his course and runs away assured
that he’s not being herded, sequestered, penned or lured.

So he puts all his energy in living out the present.
His days are worry-free and his nighttimes calm and pleasant.
Not so the worrisome elephant as all his past disasters
dealing with former problems with poachers, hunters, masters

influence every choice he makes in choosing what to do.
Every decision that he makes could be one that he’ll rue.
So don’t go thinking that a sterling memory is pleasant,
for keeping track of all the past can sure screw up your present!

*(The medical definition of kakorrhaphiophobia is abnormal fear of failure.)

Prompt words today are kakorrhaphiophobia, elephant, hint, vacuous and energy.

New Dress, Two Sizes Too Small

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New Dress, Two Sizes Too Small

Once I hone my figure, this will fit me like a glove.
Not one curve will be awry. I’ll be in shape for love.
I’ll put myself in training and walk a mile a day.
I’ll pack up all my cake pans and stow them all away.

I’ll give up chips and chocolate and concentrate on kale,
and after just a month or two, be skinny as a rail.
I have such fine convictions. I know I’ll reach my goal,
and to celebrate, I think I’ll have another roll!

 

 

Prompt words are awry, hone, train, figure and  glove. Dress image by Sharon McCutcheon. Cinnamon roll image by Dilyara Garifullina, both on Unsplash.

New Baby Blues

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New Baby Blues

I rue the day my mom acquired my new baby brother.
I wish that she’d return him and come back with another.
When I first saw him, he was cute and I was rather proud,
but that’s before I knew the fact that he would be so loud.

When he cries, he makes a sort of ear-splitting sharp bleating
all the time Mom’s in the kitchen seeing to the heating
of the bottle used to apportion out his dinner.
You’d think for all the fuss he makes that he was growing thinner,

Yet I swear that day-by-day, to my great disgust
that he’s growing bigger—fatter and more robust!
And when he isn’t sleeping or drinking or deranged,
he is damp or poopie and insisting to be changed.

I think this baby’s broken and I think we need a new one.
I asked if I could go along when they go to view one,
but Mommy says there’s no return because this one is used,
while Daddy uttered not a word—just stood looking amused.

It really isn’t funny, though. In fact, I’m most annoyed
that they have less time for me now that they’re employed
taking care of baby—making sure he’s fed and well
while all this time I’ve been here too, living in baby Hell!

He’s diapered, held and cuddled, sung to and adored
while his older sister sits here feeling bored.
They say that I’ll feel different once he’s more grown up,
but if it were up to me, I’d trade him for a pup!

 

Prompt words today are proud, heating, apportion, damp and rue.

Air Conditions

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Air Conditions

Grandma was neither meek nor mild and she was not abused.
The thought of any man ruling her makes me most amused.
But she was parsimonious when it came to waste,
scraping each bit of cookie dough to give us all a taste.

The weather could be sweltering before she used the fan.
“No need to run the light bill up just because I can!”
she’d quip when we expressed our feeble pleas for cool air,
but she allowed no wasteful behavior in her private lair.

Though she was far from venal, one tactic seemed to work,
for along with penny-pinching, my grandma had one quirk.
Her appetite for sugar was beyond compare,
so we’d produce the chocolate and then flip on the air!!!

She’d rifle through the chocolate box for caramels and nuts,
for when it came to favorites, she expressed no ifs or buts.
For summer after summer, this was Grandma’s rule.
So long as supplies lasted, everything was cool.

Prompt words today are sweltering, parsimonious, meek, venal and abused.

Polite Conversation

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Polite Conversation

If you’re looking for activities that are sure to excite us,
best not to show the cat scans of your diverticulitis.
Discussion of this topic is sure to bring unease,
for most folks are oblivious to other folks’ disease.

Illness carries no cachet and should not be repeated.
When bringing up such maladies, you’re sure to feel defeated.
So keep incisions covered and try not to share your woe,
for if you’re hypochondria’s showing, you’ll be labelled as a schmo.

 

Prompt words today are diverticulitis, oblivious, schmo, cachet and defeated.

Accidental Excuses

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Accidental Excuses

Pointing at the calendar, you voice a guttural moan,
regretting a notation for which you must atone.
It’s time to trim the ivy from the window frames and gutters,
but your reluctance to do so, I can tell from your low mutters.

When our decorous window boxes needed a small touch-up,
you erased the reminder and smugly held your crutch up.
Of course I did the job for you, for it would be abuse
not to take a broken leg as adequate excuse.

But now that you have healed, my dear, it clearly is your turn
to cut back the ivy and to trim the Boston fern.
In spite of your pleading eyes and all your manly charm,
you’ll only avoid this chore if you fall and break an arm!

Prompt words today are guttural, calendar, ivy, decorous and point.
Image by Debb D on Unsplash.

Sex in the Movies

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Sex in the Movies

Brits may call it shagging and in the States it’s screwing,
but both these terms only describe the action that they’re doing.
Increasingly, both movies and TV  seem dedicated
to insuring that their viewers are sexually educated.

I admit I’m stymied at the surreal acts depicted.
Somehow the warmness of the act seems to have been evicted.
Loving touch seems relegated to a foreign place
and athleticism substituted in its place.

My aunt once said she didn’t know what bedroom scenes were for.
We’d know what they were doing if they just shut the door.
I quipped, “Not exactly,” and she shot back, “Well, I would,”
and with that, stopped discussion, sealing it well and good.

Ending in an impasse, we left it where it stood.
I would have issued no rejoinder, even if I could.
It was a family joke for years but now I have been caught.
I finally must admit that I’ve joined her in the thought.

 

Prompt words today are stymie, warm, screw, surreal and shag.
Image by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Swingers

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Swingers

Romance is better on the swings
for it’s true Cupid has wings
and if he inspires a kiss,
it’s clear that you don’t want to miss
that moment on your mutual ride
where your lips might coincide,
and on the teeter-totter or slide
it’s harder to go side-by-side.

 

For the Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge: Side-by-Side
Image by Brandon Couch on Unsplash.