Category Archives: humorous poem

Bella Shuns the Tube

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Bella Shuns the Tube

Bella never takes mass transit. She walks another path.
She hitchhikes every day to work from Chippenham to Bath.
For years, it’s true that she has harbored quite a misconception.
I know because I happened to be there at its inception.

She was just a little girl when her father Rube
drove her by the underground and labeled it “the tube,”
She had visions of sink drains, sucking people down
from somewhere in the country to disgorge them in the town.

As a father teaches, so a daughter will be taught.
A plethora of worries overcame her at the thought.
So, as to travelling in the tube? Unlikely that our Bella might.
for when it comes to subways, I fear she is a thelemite!

 

Prompt words today are misconception, plethora, thelemite (one who does as he or she pleases,) transit and path. Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Gross Yield

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Gross Yield

Hardly a paradisiac setting, he met her at the dumpster.
She was a free spirit and, alas, he was a Trumpster.
He thought that she looked nifty in spite of her dreadlocks.
She thought he was her nemesis. Just look! Argyle socks!!!!
He lifted up the lid so she could throw in all her junk.
She didn’t pay attention. She liked her lovers punk.

But he wooed her every garbage day. A regular Lochinvar,
he insisted she not lift the bags, declaring it too far
from her doorway to the dumpster and offered his assist.
In the end, she always let him, though she did try to resist!
I could draw out this long story. There were dates, flowers and candy.
They wed, and though he bored her, his gross income came in handy!

Prompts for today are junk, nemesis, paradisiac, nifty and income. Photo by Yannes Kiefer on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Ode to My Doctor, Who Has Done Little to Curry My Favor

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Ode to My Doctor, Who Has Done Little to Curry My Favor

Each of these foods you suggest for my diet
has not one feature to urge me to try it.
The chard is too leafy, the kale makes me gag.
I will be affianced to naught in this bag.

This fluffy green spinach would be best in a dip
with sour cream and onions and served on a chip.
I have not one vestige of an urge to consume it
raw in a salad, so do not assume it

will ever pass lips as selective as mine.
I need carbohydrates and meat when I dine.
Do you get the message that I’m on the outs
with arugula, collard greens, beet greens and sprouts?

My palate’s impavid when it comes to spice.
A molé is lovely and a curry is nice,
but please put some meat in it. I’m a contrarian
when you attempt to turn me vegetarian.

Prompt words for today are sprout, vestige, impavid, affiance and chip.

 

Marital Disagreement

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Marital Disagreement

When anguish becomes volatile and without your prior detection,
things are lofted toward you–lamps thrown in your direction.
As frying pans and glasses come at you through the air,
take my advice, it would be best if you were still not there.
You’d better listen to my words, for I’ll not tell you twice.
With such items sailing toward you to “Duck!!!” is good advice.
It’s best to listen to our friends for help when times get tough.
You need not express gratitude. Your friendship is enough.

Prompt words today are duck, direction, anguish, volatile and gratitude.

Secondary Research

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Secondary Research

She found tales of chivalry wholly outlandish.
Her dates wore suspenders. No swords did they brandish.
She, in return, was no sexy lithe lynx,
her love-life devoid of any hijinks.

In short, she was prim and her suitors the same,
her romance as mainstream as romances came—
dates for the movies or dinner or trips
to the local tea room for crumpets and sips.

No passionate kisses. No secret elation.
Visual thrills were her sole titillation,
for secretly, she was addicted to porn.
She viewed it at midnight. Sometimes in the morn.

Although she’d never do the things that they did,
it was the single thing that she hid.
Everything else was there to be seen:
decent and wholesome and saintly and clean.

It was her belief that a life meant for viewing
should consist more of thinking of things than of doing,
and so she kept private her secret adventures,
safe from derision and gossip and censures.

As the town’s sole librarian, she was aware
that this was a side of her she’d never dare
to reveal to the world, and yet she pursued it,
knowing that no one else knew that she viewed it.

Like high adventure, such sexual fun
was best viewed from afar, but never done.
When it came to things sensual, sticky and hairy,
she preferred that her research remain secondary.

 

Prompts today are jinx, visual, prim, outlandish and mainstream. Image by Damla Azkan on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Note: While primary research involves active participation from the researcher themselves, secondary research involves the summary or synthesis of data and literature that has been organized and published by others.

A Speedy Release

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A Speedy Release

A fellow by the name of Kurtz
never sipped when he could Xertz.
No matter what the size or name
of liquid, it was just the same.
Milk or water, Coke or beer
took just seconds to disappear.

When asked to give an interview,
He said, “Please meet me in the loo,”
and when he rose, most resolutely,
the news reporter said, “Absolutely,”
hustling after as Kurtz sped
out of the barroom to the head,

whereupon he caused to pass
that liquid lately in his glass.
Thus did the newsman get his lead.
To simplify, he said, “Kurtz peed,
beating his record for fast sipping,
by three seconds, stream to dripping!

 

Prompt words today are interview, simplify, resolute, xertz (to gulp down quickly and greeditly) and size.

Misnomer

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Misnomer

It doesn’t need a passport to pass from place to place.
It has no hands or feet or lips. It barely has a face.
Contrary to rumor, it is neither deaf nor mute.
It does not plan agendas nor chart its daily route.

Most beautiful of insects, it flutters here and there,
settling on a flower or sometimes in your hair.
Not likely to be overweight. In fact, I would be stunned
if I ever saw a butterfly the least bit rotund.

Elegant and whimsical and flittery and fluttery,
I think it’s a misnomer that a butterfly is buttery.
In touch, they are akin to tissue paper or a doily.
They are not soft or slimy, neither slippery nor oily.

And so I hereby must refute the insect name recorder.
When it came to this one name, letters got out of order.
I think there was confusion when recording the word butterfly.
What its namer should have said was that it was a flutterby!

Prompt words today are butterfly, route, orotund and passport. (I exercised a bit of poetic license here and substituted the word “rotund” for “orotund.” What’s one little letter among friends?)

Supine Flu

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Supine Flu

Do you struggle when the alarm goes off every morning? If you have a really hard time, you could have something called dysania. This means you simply can’t get out of bed for about 1 to 2 hours after you wake up.

Doctors have reported an outbreak of dysania.
Folks suffer from the syndrome from Missouri to Albania.
It’s interfering with world markets and sustainability,
and athletes have determined it’s affecting their agility.

Campers seeking all the pristine beauty of the wilderness
report that they are sleeping in and therefore they are hiking less.
Card sharks spend more time at home, bed-bound in their lair
for hours in the morning, playing solitaire.

Moms trying to spark  interest in starting their kids’ days,
are equally lethargic, and prone to merely laze.
When it comes to what to call the curse, science is still vague,
for It seems most of the scientists have come down with the plague.

They put off their experiments and their cogitations
in lieu of morning lollings-about in their habitations.
Coffee shops are suffering and worldwide, gyms are closing
as people give up other morning hangouts for reposing.

The whole world has gone lazy and is given to the lying-in.
So much for morning exercise, conditioning and getting thin.
And although most joggers have ceased morning exploring,
Sealy Posturepedic stocks have been reported soaring!

They’ve tried to conduct seminars from New York to the Hague
to try to solve the puzzle of this early morning ague,
but the lazy attendees have said we’ll have to guess,
for science cannot seem to conquer this new laziness!

They haven’t even named it yet, so in their usual fashion,
world wits have exercised their nomenclature-driven passion.
Since the scientists are sleeping in, they do not have a clue
that the whole world has agreed that they have the Supine Flu.

 

 

Prompt words today are shark, spark, dysania, pristine and sustainability.

Craft Maintenance

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Photo by Simon Goetz on Unsplash, used with permission.

Craft Maintenance

Love is like a speedboat, threatening disaster
as we plummet toward our fate, going ever faster.

In youth, insecurity helps to fuel the pace
as our fear of failure keeps us in the race.

Thus is our pursuit of love fueled by the chase,
but as we proceed in life, this may not be the case.

Our boats fill up with children and the race  soon ceases.
The boards begin to shrink and paint curls off in pieces.

Still, since marriage is a boat we need to keep afloat,
love is our incentive to renovate the boat!

 

Photo by Anne Nygard on Unsplash, used with permission.

Prompt words today are pursuit, renovate, incentive and boat.

Coup de Coeur

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Coup de Coeur

You have built a tunnel—a channel to my heart.
I should have seen it sooner, should have known it from the start.
Now you foment discord to make me feel unrest.
None of the others calm the storm. I know you are the best.
It is a sort of power. Therefore, I must not fall.
Yet I cannot resist it, for I love you most of all.
I might have wed for power. Now I must wed for love.
How can I rule somebody who fits me like a glove?
My friends find it hilarious I’ve let my defense down
to substitute a bridal veil for my royal crown.
I guess I’ll have to settle for a democracy
now that you have staged a coup on my monarchy.

Prompt words today are tunnel, therefore, hilarious, channel and foment.