Category Archives: humorous poem

Premeditated

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Premeditated

I’ve got you in my crosshairs, you can’t escape my aim.
In fact it’s very obvious I’ll wound or kill or maim.
Do you see my lifted eyebrow? Is my message coming through?
It should not be ambiguous what’s happening to you.
I really have it in for you. It’s true I mean to bite you.
You’re fully in my power, so there’ll be no need to fight you.
There’s no other fate in store for you. No other choice to make.
After twenty-one days of dieting, I’m having me some cake!!!!

 

 

The prompt words are crosshairs, ambiguous, obvious and eyebrow:
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/10/fowc-with-fandango-crosshairs/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/your-daily-word-prompt-ambiguous-may-10-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/obvious/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/rdp-friday-eyebrow/

 

Escape?

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photo with permission by Adam Stefanca

Escape?

Tourists of every size and shape
visit the zoo to stand and gape
at lion, leopard, tiger, ape.
They eye its thickness as they gape
at chainlink, conjure up the scrape
of claws on metal, then on nape.
What is their likelihood of escape?

 

 

Today’s prompt word is escape.
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/09/escape/

Uneducated Palate

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Uneducated Palate

I haven’t a fine palate. I barely can distinguish
between the different dishes that I’m given to extinguish.
I do not know a dumpling from a fancy knish.
I do not have an inkling of the different sorts of fish.
So if you’re short of delicacies and you have to skimp,
just dole me out some hot dogs and save your fancy shrimp
for someone who appreciates the difference between them,
for I am just a landlocked girl who’s never even seen them!

 

Today’s prompt words are distinguish and skimp. Here are links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/09/rdp-thursday-distinguish-distinguished/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/09/fowc-with-fandango-skimp/

Jackman and Jillian

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Jackman and Jillian

Jackman and Jillian ascended a height
because they were parched and required respite.
They possessed a flagon they desired to fill,
yet calamity transpired as they mounted the hill.
Jackman descended more quickly than planned,
Ruptured his cranium, fractured his hand,
rent his best raiment, untidied his hair,
while she also swooped downward on her derriere.

 

After reading my poem that parodied pretentious words today and writing her own, Christine Goodnough challenged me to write a poem parodying pretentious language.  Can’t refuse a challenge, so. . . .

(See our earlier poems by clicking on links above.)

Not a Clue

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Not a Clue

“Jejune” is a word that I bet you don’t know.
It simply means tedious, dreary or slow.
Guileless or boring, simple or naive—
artless and unworldly with naught up your sleeve.

When it comes to semantics, jejune folks won’t quibble.
They do not distinguish between drip or dribble.
When they need a haircut, please tell them they’re hairy.
Calling them “hirsute” will just make them wary.

If  big words should reach the apex of your tongue,
consider taking it down just a rung.
Jejune folks like small words like “pretty” and “cute.”
Words like “alluring” will render them mute.

Words like “obstreperous” also won’t do.
If you use a big word, they won’t have a clue.
Don’t call it a “wen” when it’s merely a pimple.
Things are much clearer when words are left simple.

 

 

Chritsine issued me a further challenge after she read their poem, so I wrote another. You can fine a link to her challenge and also my poem–short and silly– HERE.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/08/rp-wednesday-grateful/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/08/fowc-with-fandango-semantics/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/08/your-daily-word-prompt-jejune-may-8-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/08/apex/

Mac and Cheese

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I dedicate this poem to my ultimate chef friends Dolly
and Gordon, hard as it may be for them to bear.

Mac and Cheese

“Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat; stir in flour, salt, and pepper until smooth, about 5 minutes. Slowly pour milk into butter-flour mixture while continuously stirring until mixture is smooth and bubbling, about 5 minutes. Add Cheddar cheese to milk mixture and stir until cheese is melted, 2 to 4 minutes.”

I found the recipe on my Mac
for noodles swathed in creamy Jack.
I bought the cheese. Grated it up,
dreaming of when I would sup.
I was tenacious with the grater.
Nobody holds a cheese block straighter!
And I was forthright in each thrust,
for tiny cheese curls are a must.

I mixed the flour in melted butter,
watched the whole mess spit and sputter.
Added pepper, salt and flour.
Stirred for what seemed like an hour.
Added the milk in rapid whirls,
and then poured in the cheesy curls.
Round and and round and round it went.
Turned down the stove, turned on the vent.

Boiled the noodles until tender.
Then, when it was time to render
cheese to noodles, asked my crony
just to drain the macaroni.
But, as he was headed back,
his arm collided with my Mac,
flipping it into the cheese
with such artistry and ease

that for a moment it looked to me
as part of the whole recipe.
But cheese on Mac of Apple kind
is not quite what I had in mind.
My Mac expired in smoke and sparking.
Dogs ran in with joyful barking
to lap up congealing cheese
from counter, stove front, floor and knees.

Cheese, computer, pan and noodle—
I tossed the whole kit and kaboodle
out the window into the grass
where dogs and cats and ants en masse
ate their fill until they popped,
while I wiped and scoured and mopped.
(I doubt that you could find my match
at scrubbing up a cheesy patch.)

But if you need a recipe
for Mac and Cheese, don’t count on me.
Though boiling noodles I learned by heart,
I fear I flunked the whole “Mac” part.


Prompt words were match, forthright, tenacious and noodle. Here are links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/07/rdp-tuesday-match/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/07/fowc-with-fandango-forthright/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/07/your-daily-word-prompt-tenacious-may-7-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/07/noodle/

Oddball

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Oddball

You don’t follow instructions. You will do as you may.
No matter what the plan, you always had another way.
No one could ever force you to form an even line.
You’d veer this way or that way and say that it was fine.
You waged a constant battle and staged a constant fight,
as though causing dissension was your main delight.
But it the end, it turns out that the others were the fools,
for they’ve labeled you a genius and are following your rules!

 

The words of the day are may, battle, force and delight. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/04/rdp-saturday-may/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/04/fowc-with-fandango-battle/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/04/your-daily-word-prompt-force-may-4-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/04/delight/

The Reappearance

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The Reappearance

A luscious former lover that I haven’t seen in years
takes my quiet life by storm when he reappears.
He showers me with flowers he says are in arrears
for all those times he should have stayed to dry my tears.

Of course it’s an unsuitable last-minute love affair
that simply manifested like magic from pure air.
For well nigh on a dozen years, he wasn’t even there—
this Lochinvar who now insists we are the perfect pair.

Dare we try settle accounts so long overdue?
Dare we stir those embers to kindle love anew?
Or might our purple passion have assumed a lighter hue?
At this late date how can I know the proper thing to do?

Why so wan and pale, dear lover? Are you drained by worry?
Why such a push to reconnect? Why such frenetic hurry?
Why suddenly are you intent my favors to thus curry?
Why all this sudden passion? This trial without jury?

Who put me in this role of judge, called to adjudicate
what might be our future–our destiny and fate?
Once I would have loved the task, but now it is too late.
Why would you wait until the eve of my wedding date?

The wedding cake is stacked and iced, the flowers hung in bowers.
The time until my union is measured now in hours.
In a backroom with his friends, my groom paces and cowers.
Bridesmaids fuss and bother and rearrange their flowers.
Now is not the time, my dear, to reassert your powers.

All of us have daydreams of lovers of the past,
intent in our belief that they were not meant to last.
The sea of love, once entered, is so wide and deep and vast
that we lose connection with lines formerly cast.

I see you now sequestered in the far back row
beside the aisle I’ll walk down, my troth to here bestow.
You should have spoken sooner. You should have let me know.
For now it is too late to reverse the status quo.

Your flowers were so lovely that you sent today.
As  in the past, most exquisite—their colors bright and gay.
It would have been a dreadful waste to throw them all away,
so here they are,  tucked into my nuptial bouquet.

 

Prompt words today are suitable, arrears, anew and luscious. Links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/02/rdp-thursday-suitable/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/02/fowc-with-fandango-arrears/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/02/your-daily-word-prompt-anew-may-2-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/02/luscious/

Limbo

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1960, Murdo, South Dakota

Limbo

My best friend taught me about limbo and saints,
Showed me their stacks of National Geographic.
You had to be invited into membership, she said,
not everyone could join. I rated them against
my mother’s Ladies’ Home Journals
and felt deficient, somehow.

No wine in our Methodist kitchen cupboards.
No tuna and salmon tins
stacked up awaiting Friday.
All those cans on my friend’s mother’s shelves in limbo
all Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
that long summer when we were still twelve.

Wanting something we didn’t yet know the name of.
Restless stirrings the little boys our age 
did not know how to respond to.
All of them inches shorter than us
 except for one—a tall country boy
new to town school,
the most innocent of all.

How we waited to be chosen—
the fact that we’d already chosen in our minds
having little consequence.
How we watched. How we kept secrets,
even from each other.

I knew what to call it, at least,
if not much else,
that summer I turned thirteen,
expectantly,

and
absolutely
nothing changed.

Limbo.

The dVerse poets prompt is “Limbo.”

But Jimmy Cliff says it best!!!!

And “Limbo” of a different sort was two years in our future: 

The Bread Train

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The Bread Train

When you hop aboard the bread train, there’s no negotiation.
Folks aboard the bread train become a congregation.
It’s a happy wagon. a life-fulfilling ride.
Everything comes easy when you are inside.
Don’t bother about lowlifes who wait along the tracks.
You can’t be responsible for everybody’s backs.

This trip through life is better if you have some dough.
These folks who have an easy ride everywhere they go?
That there may be enough for all is what they do not know.
They want no interference with the status quo.
If folks don’t have what they do, it’s just because they’re lazy.
Those who think the bread train crowd will feed them are just crazy!

Every riff-raff wannabe can’t have what he wants.
If he can’t afford the bread train, let him eat croissants!!

 

And, another kind of bread train…

 

Prompt words today are bread, wagon, negotiation and trip. Here are links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/30/rdp-tuesday-bread/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/30/fowc-with-fandango-wagon/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/30/your-daily-word-prompt-negotiation-april-30-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/30/trip/