Category Archives: humorous poem

Anniversary Blunder

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Anniversary Blunder

It was an anniversary present for which he must atone
unless he wants to spend next anniversary alone.
When she opened up her gift, the lone words she could muster
were a string of sputterings, followed up by, “Buster!
is this the best  that you could do—a sander, saw and drill?
Shopping at a hardware store’s not anyway to thrill
a wife lusting for jewelry or even an appliance
more within the likelihood of strengthening our alliance!”
He said, “I thought a contrast might bring a little zing
to our romance much more unique than a diamond ring.
Then he led her to the closet and opened up the door
to see her brand new shoe rack built from ceiling to the floor.
New shelves and custom cabinet with jewelry racks and chest,
and then he opened up a drawer to reveal the best
surprise of all the others—left there for her to see—
a note that said, “Another gift. The tools were for me
to build this brand new closet that you’ve hinted at for years.
Here it is, with all my love, admittedly in arrears!
Look in the bottom jewelry drawer if this is not enough.
You’ll find a box there nestled next to your other stuff.”
And there she found the ring she’d wanted, nestled in among
all the gifts he’d bought her since the years when they were young.
Then she had a revelation, embarrassed for her huff,
and said, “Oh dear, you shouldn’t have. The tools were enough!”

The prompt words for today are contrast, hardware, atone and muster.  Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/10/02/rdp-tuesday-contrast/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/10/02/fowc-with-fandango-hardware/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/02/atone/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/muster

‘Ssss True

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‘Sss True

Ssspartan to the nth degree,
he may be lurking in a tree.
In shape he must exemplify
nature’s attempt to ssssimplify.

(No arms or legs to complicate
his lithe movement through glade or gate.)
Not limited by all those parts
that curtail our stops and starts,

his every motion unimpeded,
his conquestsss easily completed.
Under a rock, he may lie coiled.
In sssswiftness, he cannot be foiled.

Hands and feet may have their uses,
but they may lead to abuses.
Toes can stub and feet may catch
on bumps or stones. They are no match

for a ssssnake’s swift glide and ssssssting.
Limbs are not good for everything!
It’s true, a sssnake would be more harmlesss
if he had not been born armlessss!

 

My cats had this snake cornered near the kitchen door, proving me wrong  by demonstrating that some footed creatures are a good match for a snake.  Yolanda’s keen eyes brought it to my attention, and between us, we proved to be its friends. KItties were curtailed.  The serpent glided on to sssafety.

The prompt words today are Spartan, limit, glade and exemplify.  Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/rdp-monday-spartan/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/10/01/fowc-with-fandango-limit/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/glade/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/06/06/welcome-to-daily-addictions/exemplify

3:00 A.M.

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3:00 A.M.

I think I’ve reached my limit. Not one inch left to pack,
and since I leave in just six hours, it’s time to hit the sack.
Ta ta to all my blogging friends, I’ll soon be on the wing.
All I have to do is edit, correct, “save” and ping!!!!

Hasta La Vista.  Tomorrow I’ll be writing to you from a different country.

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/10/01/fowc-with-fandango-limit/

Travel Light

18 Replies

 

 

Travel Light

After packing all my things, my check-in bag’s so spacious,
I wonder if it’s possible to use one less capacious.
For me, my act is radical. I decide to take one
suitcase I can carry on, so packing was no fun!
I’m carrying no liquids so there’s nothing to secrete
and ooze out of the overhead onto my head and seat.
My actions here are radical—I’ll be gone sixty days.
(After this trip I may find this decision is a phase.)
The quintessence of the matter is I’m not taking a lot—
a departure from the usual of taking all I’ve got.
No toothpaste, shampoo, makeup, hairspray, shaver, hair dryer, pills.
No medicines for indigestion or my other ills.
Only one light jacket  and layers for the cold.
I’ll wear my single pair of shoes, for more my case won’t hold.
My personal item will contain computer, hub and backup,
my purse and jewelry and snacks. I hope that I don’t crack up.
Lugging all this stuff today through four airports  I’ll visit
is perhaps a bad decision. It isn’t sane. Or is it?
United changed its policy, so it makes sense to me.
For this and all my later flights, I’d pay a baggage fee.
Guadalajara to Montana, later Saint Paul and then St. Loo,
Then back again to Mexico. I’d pay more than a few.
I’m really not a cheapskate. It’s the principle of the thing.
I’d rather use that money on a bracelet or a ring—
some tiny thing that I can pack in a space that’s tight.
I’m committed for this single trip to simply traveling light!

 

To be clear, tomorrow alone, I’ll be visiting four airports: Guadalajara, Houston, Denver and Billings, Montana. Then in three weeks to a month, I’ll be flying to St Louis, possibly St. Paul, St. Louis and then eventually back to Mexico.  That’s a lot of checked baggage charges!! In addition, I’ve ordered material to bring back from the States so will have to check at least one bag from St. Louis to Mexico. Thus, the decision. Let’s hear a round of applause for tight packing! Thanks to Yolanda for her assistance.

 

The prompts today are radical, quintessence, secrete and capacious. Here are the links:
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/30/fowc-with-fandango-radical/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/quintessence/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/rdp-sunday-secrete
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/daily-addictions-2018-week-39/capacious

Cheap Falls Are a Stunning Solution!

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Cheap Falls Are a Stunning Solution!

She was a parachutist and an avid mountaineer
whereas he viewed such pastimes with a great amount of fear.
Yet, he was so enamored that he issued a proposal, 
using every single cent he had at his disposal 
to buy her an engagement ring, to which she answered “Yes!”
The agenda for their honeymoon? I’m guessing you can guess.
Only Nepal would suit the bride.
There they’d hire a sherpa guide
to climb Mt. Everest and then
parachute back down again!

The groom’s objections were double-fold.
The first was that he was not bold
enough to scale this mountain lest
he meet his end on Everest!
Plus, he had neither credit nor cash
to finance both a wedding bash
and an expensive wedding trip!
He’d spent his stash all on the ring,
not budgeting for everything.

To console himself, he took a nip
and then another little sip
until, too late, he’d had enough.
He found rising a little tough
and navigating down the hall?
He had no skill at it at all.
And so, a few yards from the keg?
I fear he fell and broke a leg!
Nonetheless, the wedding went through.
She said “I will.” He said “I do.”

They honeymooned at Niagara Falls
which cost less money, required fewer balls.
He kept her busy with hugs and kisses,
Giving thanks for two close misses.
Though his cast both cramped and itched,
He never complained, never bitched.
The drinking bout that caused his fall
was the greatest luck of all.
He blessed that final stiff ablution.
Two cheap falls? Stunning solution!!!

The prompt words today are fall, cheap, stunning and solution. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/rdp-saturday-fall/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/29/fowc-with-fandango-cheap/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/29/stunning/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/daily-addictions-2018-week-38/solution

Should I or Shouldn’t I ?!

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The word prompts today are inspire, surmount, enthralling, mistrust and today I’m adding Matt’s new prompt site to my inspiration list.  His command is that we invent a new punctuation mark and write a post inspired by it. What would you do if you were given four words and a situation and told to use them in a poem or story? You’d probably wind up with a poem as ridiculous as this one is!!

Should I or Shouldn’t I?!

I am plagued by indecision.
Should I choose that vain incision
leading to the skin division
that might lead to the derision
of those who might choose nature’s pace
written on their neck and face?

I must admit I do mistrust
those who deal with jowls and bust
by removing parts of them,
and so I hem and haw and hem.
As enthralling as it would be
to be confronted with less of me,

I can’t surmount the fear that I
would be the first face lift to die!
Or,  lovely as other ladies look,
I fear I’d end up in a book
of great disasters and that mine
would be a face most leonine!

Or if I had a chest reduction,
all the cutting and the suction
would lead to results most distressing.
What would happen, I am guessing,
is that the surgeon would have the gall
to leave me with no breasts at all!

If I had need to punctuate
a sentence that concerns my fate,
I think that it would culminate
with a mark that had a mate.
Although I am inspired to do it,
another part seems to eschew it,

?! would be the punctuation
designating consternation.
It’s what  I’d have to use until
I decide if I won’t or will.
Half of it anticipation,
the other half, my hesitation!

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/26/wednesday-rdp-inspire/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/26/fowc-with-fandango-surmount/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/26/enthralling/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/daily-addictions-2018-week-38/mistrust
https://normalhappenings.com/2018/09/26/leaving-your-mark-daily-inkling/ (Matt’s first prompt is to invent a new punctuation mark and write a post inspired by it.)

Office Courtship

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Office Courtship

He found her shy and taciturn and not a little quaint.
She found him impetuous and lacking in restraint.
That personal space she guarded he invaded every day.
Her solo act he tried to crash, yet still she ran away.

He brought her flowers and chocolates. He courted her with rigor,
and yet the space between them seemed only to get bigger.
He had run out of wooing room. His prospects were too dim.
He felt that he had gone too far out that proverbial limb.

His thoughts that he could win her were just a wishful whim.
And so at last, he must give up. The lass was just too prim.
He did not seek her company. He did not text or call.
He gave a mere polite “Hello,” when they met in the hall.

Her flower vase sat empty. No chocolates in her dish.
It seemed that he had given her, finally, her wish.
She checked her phone charge. It was fine.
She waited for his pleas to dine

or see a film or to go dancing.
More and more, friends found her glancing
down the hallway, and they guessed
what she looked for, so they pressed

her for an answer as they queried
about why she always tarried
in the coffee room when she
usually brought her tea

in a thermos from her house.
Why she wore that low-cut blouse,
why she seemed a bit distracted
and when he passed, she overacted.

They all knew that overall
she’d gone too far to build a wall.
They told her if she wanted him,
she had to make that wall a scrim

and turn her light on from inside—

to throw her solo act aside
and show him who she really was.
It became the office buzz

then, how the one who’d been the quarry
set her cap to woo and marry
one she’d formerly eschewed—
thinking him too brash and rude.

And this is how she turned the tide.
She bought a card and wrote inside,
“Faint heart never won fair maid,”
bought flowers and chocolate and paid

a string quartet to serenade him
and by doing so, she made him
once more resume all his wooing,
add his billing to her cooing.

And thus goes office romance.
Fellows given half a chance
will resume what they once started
and if they are not weak-hearted

wind up with the prize they sought,
forgetting that the one who fought
the romance and sought to repeal it
was the one to finally seal it!

 

The photo I used to illustrate this poem is of my nephew Jeff and his wife Julie.  They are the parents of Ryan, my nephew who recently visited. The prompt words today are quaint, personal, taciturn and solo, and here are the links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/24/rdp-monday-quaint/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/24/fowc-with-fandango-personal/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/24/taciturn/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/daily-addictions-2018-week-38/solo

A Feline Primer

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Photos may be better viewed by clicking on them to enlarge them.

A Feline Primer

Obsequious’s opposite, a cat has got its pride.
The moment that you put it out, it wants to be inside.
Then once inside it sees something outside it has to play with.
Each thing that you have planned for it is something it can’t stay with.

It knocks against your bottles, setting them astray
to crash upon the tiles, and only then, it may
consent to go outside again until you’ve cleaned the mess.
And cats have no contrition. No impulse to confess.

A dog may raid your garbage, steal your pork chops from the table,
but afterwards they’re guilty and they’ll woo you if they’re able.
But try illuminating cats regarding what they’ve done.
They will survey you blankly and go on to other fun.

A cat has grace and beauty , but very little soul.
It pays its rent with hummingbirds, lizards or a mole,
tiny snakes and bunnies, now and then a bat—
laid out for your viewing, on your front doormat.

Cats move with grace throughout your life, doing what they please.
When you least need their presence, they’re there upon your knees.
They’ll knead your finest tapestry, they’ll upchuck on your floor,
and sometimes when you pet them, they will consent to more.

A cat’s a living work of art, draped across your stool.
“Do unto others as you wish” is their golden rule.
So don’t expect a thank-you as you stroke their ruff.
To be graced with their presence should be thanks enough!

 

The prompts today were bottle, obsequious and illuminate. The links are below:

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/23/fowc-with-fandango-bottle/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/obsequious/
https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/23/daily-addictions-2018-week-38/illuminate

The Jerk

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jdb photo

The Jerk

He tended to overreact,
the truth to overly compact.
When he was touched, to be exact,
he swore that he’d been soundly whacked.

When his employer  surveyed his work
and claimed that he was prone to shirk
his labors, he was known to smirk
and say his boss was just a jerk.

He was, in short, a royal mess,
much given to his own duress.
A cavity, I must confess,
in his words became an abscess.

Often, truth he would imbue,
and he was rumored to pursue
wages that were not his due,
threatening that he’d surely sue.

His fellow workers made a pact
to somehow get this fellow sacked.
Their plot was detailed and exact.
They wanted no more of his act.

Surely, revenge was overdue.
He hid out in the john, they knew,
so as the jerk approached the loo,
they primed the seat with Super Glue.

It’s true, they heard his sounds of stress
coming from that small recess
where he had chosen to undress
in order that he then might press

His ample bottom to the seat
of his favorite retreat.
They heard his loud resounding bleat,
the pounding of his booted feet

upon the metal, well-locked stall,
his futile poundings on the wall,
but they heeded not his call.
Did he distress them? Not at all.

Much later, he was seen to pass,
a ring attached to his bare ass.
The doctor must have thought it crass.
So did the pretty little lass

who was his nurse, who’d often guessed
he imagined her in states undressed
as she passed this macho pest;
and, if you cannot guess  the rest:

as she raised the needle, gleefully aimed
at ample butt, so red and maimed
and yet so elegantly framed,
she gave witness as the beast was tamed—

and the frequent shamer was finally shamed.

 

The prompt words today are smirk, compact, duress and pursue. Here are the links to the bogs that gave them: (Disclaimer: The photo above was used for illustrative purposes only. The man photographed is actually the opposite of a jerk.)

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/rdp-friday-smirk/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/21/fowc-with-fandango-compact/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/duress/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/daily-addictions-2018-week-37/ pursue

Reluctant Guest

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Reluctant Guest

It was infatuation. He was there at my behest,
and although I hoped for more, he proved to be a slippery guest.
When I reached out for him and he escaped my grasp,
I improvised a harness out of scarf and belt and clasp.

Before you form ideas about my brashness in this tryst,
imagining the lengths that I might go to to be kissed,
I fear that you misunderstand the situation. Maybe,
I did not make it clear that I was bathing sis’s baby!

 

 

The prompt words today are slippery, guest, infatuation, improvise.  Here are the links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/20/rdp-thursday-slippery/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/20/fowc-with-fandango-guest/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/20/infatuation/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/daily-addictions-2018-week-37/improvise