Tag Archives: funny poems

Lovesick

photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Lovesick

Your proposal that we call in sick and the steady beat
drummed against the windowpane by the driving sleet
divulge a secret pleasure long-buried in my actions
of playing hooky and long days devoid of verbs and fractions.
Zealous plans to fool Mom with coughs and groans and wheezes.
Crumpled Kleenex, put-on gags and manufactured sneezes.

In spite of what the calendar reveals to be a Monday,
stretching out the weekend into another fun day,
I call your boss, you call mine. By noon the clouds have lifted.
All the sleet has vanished from the corners where it drifted.
We put on boots to splash through puddles, bringing back our youth,
as silly as mere teenagers a bit long in the tooth.

We gorge on pizza, eaten in front of the TV.
I win at double solitaire. You win at Tripoly.
We pop some corn and eat it with peanut M&Ms
until the clouds roll in again and when the sunlight dims,
we return to bed again to get a little nookie—

that added pleasure when it is adults who play at hooky. 

 

Prompt words today are calendar, divulge, proposal, zealous and sleet.

Sale Day at the Knock-off Designer Purse Store

 

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Sale Day at the Knock-off Designer Purse Store

Shoppers are in a quandary. They’ll put up with no delay.
We advertised new bargains available today.
They’re seeking phony purses from Dior and Michael Kors.
Noses against the windows, they’re beating at the doors.
But they’ve delayed our shipments and we don’t know what to do.
The faces of the ladies first in line are turning blue.
The advertising blitz we did turned out to be foolhardy.
Our Chanels are stuck in customs, our Hermès bags are tardy.
We have the fire hoses ready. We’ll use them if we must.
The ladies’ love of Fendi has turned into a lust.
If purses were religion they would be the most confessory.
There is no other obsession like the one for an accessory!

This real Hermès just sold for two million dollars at auction!!! Has the world gone crazy? It is the second most expensive handbag in the world.

Want to see the most expensive handbag in the world?  Go HERE.

Prompt words today are delay, bargain, quandary and phony.

And Make it Zippy!!!

An Open Letter to Panasonic, Apple and Ziplock

Since it is true, I must report–
my phone cord’s always two feet short
of reaching from the wall connection
towards my office desk’s direction.
And Apple power cords, for heaven’s sake.
Could they make one that doesn’t break?

Why don’t Ziplocks really zip?
Why can’t I ever find the lip
to pull the damn thing easily closed?
Nothing’s as simple as supposed.
So to the fellows who design,
please listen to these words of mine:

This customer is getting miffed.
Please don’t hold her in short shrift.
Assure me that the fault’s not mine
by bettering your weak design.
Just make your flipping phone cords longer!
Ziplocks zippier, Mac cords stronger!

In the interim, I’ll use
tape and rubber bands and glues.
My power cord’s life they will assure
and keep my plastic bags secure.
I’ll shove my desk over on my own
to try to reach the blooming phone.

But finally I’m sure I’ll snap
and cease to buy your ill-formed crap.
So get my drift and make some changes.
A thing like this is what deranges
and drives us to cell phones, PC’s,
and covered bowls to store our cheese!!!!

For the Ragtag prompt: Zip

The Jerk

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The Jerk

He tended to overreact,
the truth to overly compact.
When he was touched, to be exact,
he swore that he’d been soundly whacked.

When his employer  surveyed his work
and claimed that he was prone to shirk
his labors, he was known to smirk
and say his boss was just a jerk.

He was, in short, a royal mess,
much given to his own duress.
A cavity, I must confess,
in his words became an abscess.

Often, truth he would imbue,
and he was rumored to pursue
wages that were not his due,
threatening that he’d surely sue.

His fellow workers made a pact
to somehow get this fellow sacked.
Their plot was detailed and exact.
They wanted no more of his act.

Surely, revenge was overdue.
He hid out in the john, they knew,
so as the jerk approached the loo,
they primed the seat with Super Glue.

It’s true, they heard his sounds of stress
coming from that small recess
where he had chosen to undress
in order that he then might press

His ample bottom to the seat
of his favorite retreat.
They heard his loud resounding bleat,
the pounding of his booted feet

upon the metal, well-locked stall,
his futile poundings on the wall,
but they heeded not his call.
Did he distress them? Not at all.

Much later, he was seen to pass,
a ring attached to his bare ass.
The doctor must have thought it crass.
So did the pretty little lass

who was his nurse, who’d often guessed
he imagined her in states undressed
as she passed this macho pest;
and, if you cannot guess  the rest:

as she raised the needle, gleefully aimed
at ample butt, so red and maimed
and yet so elegantly framed,
she gave witness as the beast was tamed—

and the frequent shamer was finally shamed.

 

The prompt words today are smirk, compact, duress and pursue. Here are the links to the bogs that gave them: (Disclaimer: The photo above was used for illustrative purposes only. The man photographed is actually the opposite of a jerk.)

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/rdp-friday-smirk/

https://fivedotoh.com/2018/09/21/fowc-with-fandango-compact/

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/09/21/duress/

https://dailyaddictions542855004.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/daily-addictions-2018-week-37/ pursue

Incandescent Insect Insomnia

photo from the internet                          

Both the Mills Brothers and Dean Martin recorded the song “Glow Worm” whose lyrics and tune I loved as a little girl. WordPress wouldn’t let me download the song from Youtube, but  please find it yourself and listen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaBDPNKgj9A. Then don’t forget to come back for my reply:

Incandescent Insect Insomnia

When nature made the  glow worm glimmer,
would that she’d installed a dimmer;
for when I put out the light,
what I expect is total night.

When it puts itself in action,
I fear it sets up a distraction.
Little glow worm on the shelf,
please keep your glowing to yourself.

The prompt today is glimmer.

Dianne Hicks Morrow/ Day 3, NaPoWriMo

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My friend Dianne Hicks Morrow is doing the NaPoWriMo challenge this year but doesn’t have a blog, so I asked if I could post her List poem here and she agreed.  Fun.  We were asked to make a list of imaginary “somethings” and then to make a poem of them.

Harlequin Detective Novels—Day 3 NaPoWriMo

Tit for Tat
Smell a Rat
Ballarat
Vallarta
Your Hearta
Must Go On
Swan Song
An Inch, A Mile
A Crooked Smile
A Stricken Heart
A Sickened Tart
She’s Too Smart
For Her Own Good
Life in the ‘Hood
The Purple Snood
The Cost of Rude
No Golden Rule
The Champagne Pool
Make Me Drool
Make Me Droll
Make Me, Doll
Make Me
Then Again Maybe Not

Hard to Teach
Beyond Her Reach
Bongo Beach
The Peach
The Screech
Snorkel Empire
Crossed Whale Lovers
What Angelfish Know
Beware the Stingray

Capsized by Desire
Stoking the Funeral Pyre
Wisdom of the Dolphin
Beyond the Lace Veil
Beneath the Bed
Dust Bunnies on the Easter Rabbit
Single Men Swim Free
Beyond Wrinkles
The Death of Spider Veins
Listless in Seattle

—Dianne Hicks Morrow’s wild mind for 10 minutes this morning
For NaPoWriMo list poem prompt.

How Not to Walk a Crocodile

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How Not to Walk a Crocodile

I’ll admit, it’s been a while
since I walked a crocodile,
so my technique is rather rusty
and my memory is dusty.
Still, I’ll tell you if you sit awhile
how not to walk a crocodile!

Don’t walk him through the butcher shop.
The butcher will just call a cop.
Don’t visit bakeries at all.
His roar will cause the cakes to fall.
That store where Mother bought her dress?
No place to walk your croc, I’d guess.

And though your pet may need some air,
it’s best that you don’t take him where
small dogs are left out for our viewing
just right for crocodile chewing.
Dog parks do not work for crocs
Find a new place for your walks.

Don’t walk him on your grandma’s floor.
She’ll sweep you both right out the door.
Don’t take him to your Sunday School.
He’s sure to break the Golden Rule.
And if you take him to the deli,
no saying what ends in his belly.

I’ll share a secret with you now.
It is, I really don’t know how
to take a crocodile for a walk.
All of this has just been talk.
And can I guess by your big smile,
you do not have a crocodile?

I guess it was the recent sighting of a croc on the beach at night that sent this little ditty rushing into my head this morning. I would love to have someone illustrate this.  Anyone want to try? Send a sketch of your vision of the croc in one of the given situations. You can either email it to me or put it on your blog and send me a link!
Here’s a photo of the croc that was on the beach near the house I rent. You could see my house in the background if it were light! Photo by Susana Vijaya. (She estimated the croc to be 3 meters long!)

Update: If you’re not ready to leave croc world yet, here’s an oldie but goodie. (Thanks to Marilyn for the memory jog.)