Tag Archives: humorous poem

Skinny-dip

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Skinny-Dip

If he’d been more well-imbued,
perhaps the ladies might have queued
to be the one he might have wooed.

Instead, when he swam in the nude,
all the women bathers booed,
making comments  crass and lewd.

His face turned pale, then roseate-hued,
his manner cringing and subdued
as he hurried to elude

each smug and cruel insulting prude—
the cat-callers who stood and viewed
that poor unfortunate naked dude.

As those ladies,smug and rude,
Departed, calling his act crude,
as each one passed me by, I mooed.

The prompt today was “Subdued.”

 

Clumsy II

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Clumsy

Since the first poem I posted today was really more about laziness than clumsiness, I’m posting another one about genuine physical clumsiness.  It is borrowed from an old Smiley Burnett skit. All these years later, and although I’ve grown to hate limericks, I’ve never forgotten this one. I guess we’ll forgive him for repeating a rhyme, since it is used in two connotations.

There once was a feller named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
‘Twould have been a sad thing
If he’d died in the spring,
But he didn’t, he died in the fall.

Thd prompt word today was “Clumsy.”

 

Morning Protein

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Morning Protein

Each morning when I waken, I take a little pill;
but though it is to boost my health, today it made me ill.
Before I went to slumber, I poured a glass of Coke
so it would be there in the night if I began to choke.
I know it isn’t usual, but it works for me.
Somehow it works to clear my throat and leaves the passage free.

So when I took my pill this morning, feeling sort of hazy,
I didn’t go for water, but instead I was just lazy.
I lifted up the Coke cup, filled almost to the brim,
and only had a little sip before up to the rim
something solid floated that shouldn’t have been there.
I felt something that tickled––like very coarse stiff hair.

Later, I was glad I hadn’t taken bigger sips,
for as it was, just part of it made it past my lips.
I hurried to the bathroom and spit and spit and spit,
then emptied out the cup and didn’t look at it
as a big dead cockroach went swirling down the drain.
Will I drink without looking? No. Never again.

The prompt this morning was “Clumsy.”

Absentee Ballot

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For the past fifteen years, I’ve voted by absentee ballot in Mexico. This year I had particular problems with getting registered and thought I’d failed when suddenly, as if by magic, I received my absentee ballot via e-mail.  My good fortune, as I’m presently visiting in the states and I can just mail it in this year and it will get there in time!  So, I connected my laptop to my friend’s printer and pressed the “print” button.  This, truthfully, was the result.

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Absentee Ballot

When I  went to print the ballot out,
minutes later I had to shout
“Stop!!!!” when minute after minute
the printer always had more in it!
It printed out ream after ream
no end in sight—so it would seem.

To vote for president was simple,
but that just seemed to be a pimple
on the ass of all the choices
for which they sought to hear our voices.
Senators for state and nation,
congressmen, then more frustration:

water boards and State Assembly,
then measures ’til my hands grew trembly.
Statements by  candidates to rate,
endorsements, ballot measure debate,
instructions, warnings, declarations
occasioning more perturbations.

School bonds, statutes, legislation,
reeled out with no hesitation.
Tax extensions,cigarette tax,
laws that we were asked to axe.
School laws that were multilingual,
laws prophylactic, cunnilingual.

Initiatives on marijuana,
and fire protection made me wanna
rip my hair and cuss and scream.
Still out they rolled, ream after ream.
When I got to number sixty-seven,
it made me want to pray to heaven,

“Please, dear God, not one measure more
or I’ll soon be at heaven’s door!”
I gave the ballot one more poke
as with one sure determined stroke,
I banned the plastic bag, then broke
my pen over my knee–a joke,

for then another page popped out
as victory smirk turned into pout.
District initiatives, then county
made me rue this voting bounty.
For when I thought that I was done,
I discovered I had just begun.

Pages? Thirty-seven in all
are printed out, before they  fall
fluttering, onto my floor.
The printer burps, pops out one more.
“Oath of Voter” said this one.
And so I cussed.  And I was done!!!

 

 

The prompt today was “Perplexed.”

Last Request

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Last Request

I pine, I anguish, yearn and ache;
yet don’t allow myself to bake.
I don’t dessert for calorie’s sake,
for if I do, my floorboards quake.
Yet one request I’d like to make.
When that last sleep I finally take,
if I should die before I wake,
please let my last meal include cake!

Today’s prompt word was “Cake.”

Vice Detection

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Vice Detection

Don’t you have to love the fellow
with ice cream on his diet Jell-O?

And the friend with heart of gold
who likes her painkiller freshly rolled,

or that occasional slip of tongue
that tells us how her husband’s hung?

This little “fuck,” that little “damn,”
the door that’s pulled closed with a slam––

the flaw that nearly escapes detection
that proves that no one is perfection?

The truth is, that though friends revere us,
faults are what really endear us.

Although piety is nice,
I’ll take my goodness spiced with vice!

The prompt word today is “Vice.”

Expert

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Expert

I used to be plucky, I used to be pert.
I used to pass muster in shorts or a skirt.
But lately my pert parts have just seemed to shift,
and various parts are in need of a lift.
Big tops are my saviors. Caftans are my friends––
obscuring my excesses, shielding my bends.
Back in my plucky days, I was a flirt,
but seduction is over now I’m an ex-pert!

 

The prompt today was “Expert.”

Final Jeopardy

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Final Jeopardy

I don’t feel in jeopardy, don’t feel in danger.
I feel as protected as sheep at a manger.
I’ve deadlocks and bolt locks and high walls and bars,
passwords on my iBook, alarms on my cars.
With insurance policies paid for a year
on my car, house and health, there’s no reason to fear.

Jeopardy lately is something I’m lacking.
My virus protection secures me from hacking.
And as I get older, with more things to fear,
I’ll invest in a cane and Depends for my rear.
Now nearly everything has a solution.
It seems a development in evolution.

Our hides are less tough but our hearts just beat stronger
when we replace them so we can live longer.
We can buy a new hip or replace a bad knee.
There’s only one problem that I can foresee.
Memory replacement is what they should do
so we could remember where we’re walking to!

The prompt today was jeopardize.

 

Profound Courtship

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Profound Courtship

When my next lover comes around,
I’d prefer he be profound––
intellectual and mysterious,
also ponderous and serious.
Insight and depth I’m sure will be
the things that he looks for in me.
We’ll have no need for Cupid’s dart,
as passion steps aside for smart.

On our first night, we’ll pop a bottle,
arguing over Aristotle,
debating proton, neutron, quark
and entanglement in the dark.
I’ll reel off famous quotes by heart
from Shakespeare, Camus and Descartes––
whisper “sweet somethings” in his ear,
knowing what he’ll want to hear.

He’ll analyze our chemistry
and then discuss the Odyssey,
Plato, Aristotle, Kant––
any subject that I want.
If we don’t get around to kissing,
we’ll barely notice that it’s missing.
Who needs an interlude romantic
when they can have one that’s pedantic?

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/249091/

For the literal-minded among us, must add that I’m kidding! If it comes to a vote between Aristotle and the kissing, I’ll take the kiss every time. (Within reason.)

Winded

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Winded

When day five of camp has ended,
we find ourselves completely winded.
Yet in three hours we have to go
back to rehearse our ending show.

Then once more on Saturday
when, finally, we end the fray.
I’ll admit I’m an easy touch,
but still, today, I’ve had too much.

Although I love two kids or three,
thirty are too much for me.
But, it’s also true, I fear,
we’ll do it all again next year.

 

The Daily Post prompt today was Wind.