Category Archives: Humor

Empty Praise

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Empty Praise

There was a time when awesome really meant ”inspiring awe”—
events like the moon landing that made one drop one’s jaw,
sights of numbing beauty or achievements of great skill,
art pieces by the masters or achievements of great will.

Yosemite is awesome and so is Everest.
Those climbing it are “awesome.” You know they are the best.
But today the word has fallen into widespread use—
ubiquitous right to the point where it’s become abuse.

Rap music is most awesome, as is that way-cool blouse.
You drive an awesome car and live inside an awesome house.
My neighbor’s kids are awesome. So are her dog and cat.
Her tummy tuck is awesome, as is my purse and hat.

You might have guessed by now that awesome’s not my favorite word.
I think the overuse of it is frankly quite absurd.
This pizza is not awesome, though you may find me petty
for saying it is merely good, and so is the spaghetti.

Your child is lovely, so’s your dress, your silverware and smile.
But none of them are awesome—that word brings up my bile.
Please use some other word for it—some adjectival jaw full.
Because in my opinion, using awesome’s simply awful!!

Fandango’s prompt word for today is awesome, Since I wrote a poem five years ago about this very word, I’m reprinting it here with some minor changes.

Tongue in Cheek

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Tongue in Cheek 

If you cannot still your tongue and it tends to flutter,
my remedy’s a sandwich of bread and peanut butter.
It is the perfect cure-all. If your problem is your stuttering,
it quickly turns your dialogue into a slower muttering.
And if your daily habit is reorganizing clutter,
a palate full of pb gives a different way to putter. 

Although you may be jealous that I have a sure solution
for stuttering and puttering, please grant me absolution.
Don’t hold my thoughts against me as I offer resolution
to problems such as famine, global warming and pollution,
then give my sure-fire remedy for war and revolution.
I simply cannot help that I’m ahead in evolution!

I tend to wax nostalgic when I think of all the times
I’ve solved our planet’s problems within my daily rhymes,
for as I view predicaments in all the different climes—
political maneuverings and other selfish crimes—
all the foolish misdeeds best abandoned in our primes—
I feel I owe it to the world to dish out paradigms!!!

If my constant words of wisdom set your stomachs churning,
cause regret to fill your minds and set your eyes to burning,
if you reject solutions, thereby all my wisdom spurning,
considering “unfollowing” and never once returning,
please reconsider doing so. Try being more discerning.
And let me be your guru—your font of further learning!!!

 

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The prompts today are putter, jealous, nostalgic and return. Here are links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/26/rdp-sunday-putter/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/26/fowc-with-fandango-jealous/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/26/your-daily-word-prompt-nostalgic-may-26-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/26/return/

Memory Games

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Memory Games

My memory’s in jeopardy of growing rather fuzzy.
I can’t remember punch lines like “He wasn’t fuzzy, wuzzy?”
Quips like “Betty Botter bought a bit of bitter butter”
used to fly right off my tongue, but now they sit and flutter.

It’s true my thoughts surround me but they won’t assume an order.
It is as though instead I have become a memory hoarder
with stacks of memories piled up in my halls of memory
where perhaps I could still find them—if I had the energy.

But as is, names aren’t stacked near where my face recall is kept,
so when I meet acquaintances, I’m chillingly inept
at sorting out the names to go with their familiar faces.
This trying to put face with name sure puts me through my paces!

Somehow the very minute I recognize a face,
its name flies out the window, so I hasten up my pace
to scurry ’round the corner before they might see me.
It’s not my heart avoiding them. Just blame my memory!

The only reassurance in all this memory Hell
is that lately I have noticed others scrambling as well,
so perhaps it isn’t only me who’s exercising guile
trying to avoid my friends in the grocery aisle.

Prompts today were memory, jeopardy, surround and fuzzy. Links below:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/24/rdp-friday-memory/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/24/fowc-with-fandango-jeopardy/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/24/your-daily-word-prompt-surround-may-24-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/24/fuzzy/

Incantation for the Rainy Season

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Incantation for the Rainy Season

I admit I’m taking sanctuary, waiting for the rain.
I really cannot help it that I’m foolish and I’m vain.
It’s lack of all humidity causing my hibernation.
This dryness is my scapegoat. I am needing rain’s hydration.

Once there’s water in the air, my cavities will out,
and all these ugly wrinkles are destined to fill out.
I’m praying to the rain gods, though I don’t like to beg,
for the wrinkles on my torso are spreading to my leg.

My hand backs are so furrowed they’re impervious to lotions.
My crepey neck defies even my most expensive potions.
I’m succumbing to my wrinkles. I’ve barely a smooth patch.
I think I’d be the winner in a “most wrinkled” match.

In the aging Olympics, I would surely win the gold.
I’ve passed from young to middle-aged and ended up at “old.”
I’ve given up on vagueness and modesty and pride.
I’m bluntly revealing the condition of my hide.

Yes, I’ve succumbed to wrinkles. and my only hope’s the rain.
Surely with humidity, I’ll plump right up again!!!!

 

Prompts today are regenerate, scapegoat, vague and sanctuary. Here are their links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/23/rdp-thursday-regenerate/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/23/fowc-with-fandango-scapegoat/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/23/your-daily-word-prompt-vague-may-23-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/23/sanctuary/

Welcome

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Welcome

My instinct is toward empathy, but I must admit
it’s harder to have empathy for someone who’s a twit.
And though lack of hospitality is something of a sin,
some guests are more welcome going out than coming in!!!

 

RDP didn’t post a prompt today, so we’re limited to three. They are instinct, empathy and hospitality. Here are the links:
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/21/fowc-with-fandango-instinct/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/21/your-daily-word-prompt-empathy-may-21-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/21/hospitality/

Drama Queen

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Photo by Matthew T. Rader on Unsplash

Drama Queen

Your disingenuous comments come off as less than real.
In fact, I can’t help thinking you display more than you feel.
You feign blustery emotions. You fuss and you emote,
and yet your words seem bigger than the feelings they denote.
Your dialogue is fervent. You shout and plead and bleat,
but I’m afraid your fiery comments seem to lack real heat.
Before further encounters and angst-filled future sessions,
may I make a suggestion? I’d suggest acting lessons.

https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/20/fowc-with-fandango-disingenuous/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/20/rdp-monday-blustery/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/20/your-daily-word-prompt-fervent-may-20-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/20/fog/

Lucky: The Pleasures of Advancing Age

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(Click on photos to enlarge.)

Lucky
(The Pleasures of Advancing Age)

If I were a golfer, I fear there’d be no putting,
for my grass is lush and verdant— badly in need of  cutting.
Meanwhile, the bougainvillea has gotten out of hand.
It’s like a barbed wire jungle—every twisted strand.
If I were more rambunctious, I’d grab work gloves and scramble
to gas up the mower and to tackle every  bramble,
but those days of industrious gardening are far back in my past.
Those Olympian feats of plant and tend simply didn’t last.
Instead I lie here in my bed growing and trimming words.
Outside, through the curtains, I hear the wakening birds.
I hear the front gate opening, make out the squeak of wheels.
Is there a single reader who detects how good it feels
to just fluff up the pillows and type on throughout the dawn
as Pasiano trims the thorny vines and mows the blasted lawn?

Prompt words today are verdant, meanwhile, rambunctious and lucky. Here are links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/13/rdp-monday-verdant/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/13/fowc-with-fandango-meanwhile/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/13/your-daily-word-prompt-rambunctious-may-13-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/13/lucky/

Empty Stocking

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Empty Stocking

Early in September, below the slippery slide,
Ella McLauglin asked me if I would step aside
and let her have a turn at it before I took another,
and since I looked around and couldn’t see her older brother,
I said no girls could play on it. This slide was just for “men,”
then bounded up the ladder and slid on down again.

Later, In October,  I thought it would be fun
to raid our neighbor’s pumpkin patch, to smash them and then run.
Some friends wanted to help me, but I wielded the bat.
Those pumpkins all exploded with such a lovely “splat!”
Mr. Cramer chased us, but he fell and hit his head,
and by the time he reached our house, I was snug in bed!

At the beginning of November, right after Halloween,
I opened sister’s window and removed the screen.
I found her bag of candy, making off with all the best,
leaving her with licorice and apples and the rest
left over after I had taken chocolates and  toffee.
What I left? The gross flavors like cinnamon and coffee!

But for all of December, I remembered to be good.
Mom had said that Santa kept accounts and that he would 
know if I was naughty, so I knew this was the time
when I needed to be perfect—the very paradigm
of virtue, yet in spite of this, I must sadly relate
that all my efforts to reform simply came  too late.

It seems that I just waited too long in turning face.
You can’t just come in sliding tardily into base
when it comes to changing “naughty” check marks into “nice,”
for Santa checks his naughty list more than once or twice.
Next Christmas I am going to be sure that I remember,
that Santa also checks the months that lead up to December!

 

 

Only two prompts  had been posted by 4 a.m. this morning when I was ready for a rhyming.  Those prompt words were slide and paradigm. Here are their links:
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/12/fowc-with-fandango-slide/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/12/your-daily-word-prompt-paradigm-may-12-2019/

Premeditated

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Premeditated

I’ve got you in my crosshairs, you can’t escape my aim.
In fact it’s very obvious I’ll wound or kill or maim.
Do you see my lifted eyebrow? Is my message coming through?
It should not be ambiguous what’s happening to you.
I really have it in for you. It’s true I mean to bite you.
You’re fully in my power, so there’ll be no need to fight you.
There’s no other fate in store for you. No other choice to make.
After twenty-one days of dieting, I’m having me some cake!!!!

 

 

The prompt words are crosshairs, ambiguous, obvious and eyebrow:
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/05/10/fowc-with-fandango-crosshairs/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/your-daily-word-prompt-ambiguous-may-10-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/obvious/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/05/10/rdp-friday-eyebrow/

 

Escape?

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photo with permission by Adam Stefanca

Escape?

Tourists of every size and shape
visit the zoo to stand and gape
at lion, leopard, tiger, ape.
They eye its thickness as they gape
at chainlink, conjure up the scrape
of claws on metal, then on nape.
What is their likelihood of escape?

 

 

Today’s prompt word is escape.
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/05/09/escape/