Category Archives: Humor

Retribution

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Retribution

He built himself a sanctuary in the old garage
to shelter from his mom’s complaints, his stepfather’s barrage
of insults that he spewed out whenever he drank beer
and his teenage stepson happened to be near.
He frequented the shadows of their viral house.
Took shelter in the attic, quiet as any mouse.
Hid out in the garden in a cave of loam.
Anyplace his stepfather was not became his home.

His meals lacked spice and savor also missing in his mother.
Her meals furnished nutrition, but very little other.
No laughter flavored mealtimes. The food rendered no spice.

He secreted small bits of food—a slice of bread, some rice—
to feed to his companions—a family of mice.
It was worth the beatings that he’d suffered twice
when that man not his father saw him hide away
some morsel in his pocket and said he’d have to pay.

 Raising his fist, he said he would take it from his hide
and gave another beating  to the boy who never cried.
The boy who simply stored it up—kept all of it inside—
bore the abuse stoically and then crept outside
to commune with his real family who lived in wall and  rafter
of the garage he’d made his home, and filled with love and laughter.
They came out at his bidding, swarmed around his feet
to eat a bit of porridge, some carrot or a beet.

Some crackers from his school lunch, some lettuce or a plum,
proved the presence of a heart that otherwise was numb.
Mice frequented his pockets and sat upon his shoulder—
every generation seeming to grow bolder.
They slipped into his mother’s house when she was sound asleep
and crept into those places where he could never creep.
They nestled in her shoes and chewed out all the toes,
severed all her bra straps, gnawed holes in all her hose.

They found the belt the monster man used to beat their friend,
dragged it deep under the bed and chewed it end-to-end.
When they crept into the larder to finish off the pie,
it must have been an accident that the can of lye
spilled into the sugar, pouring out in one fine stream
right into the bowl that would be placed beside the cream
on the breakfast table.  For how could it be
that vermin knew only the man took sugar in his tea?

 

The prompt words today are sanctuary, garage and nutrition.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/02/09/rdp-saturday-sanctuary/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/02/09/fowc-with-fandango-garage/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/09/your-daily-word-prompt-nutrition-february-9-2019/

Southern Expressions That Will Crack You Up!

Okay, this goes so well with my earlier post of Southern Discomfort that I have to reblog it. Thanks, Joyfultobeeblogs for bringing it to my attention.

Wordsmith

Wordsmith

He manufactures, word by word,
sentences that are absurd.
Each construct is a little joke—
an irony or  equivoque.

If you wish, I’ll let you know
when he’s ready to stage a show.
I guarantee, his recitation
is sure to win your approbation.

Making each word serve as two
is something that he’s driven to do.
Each double-entendre an education
in the art of revelation:

one meaning clear to any child,
the other more obscure and wild.
Thus does a punster get his fix
by stirring up a wicked mix:

a word cocktail whose piquancy,
cleverness and frequency
in any form or any guise
promises a rare surprise.

So come with me and in two winks
my friend will tell you what he thinks—
his discourse rare and smart and funny,
acerbic and right on the money!!!


Today’s prompt words are manufacture, construct, revelation and equivoque (an expression capable of having more than one meaning; a pun.) Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/02/07/rdp-thursday-manufacture/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/02/07/fowc-with-fandango-construct/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/07/your-daily-word-prompt-equivoque-february-7-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/07/revelation/

Phonetics!!!

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Phonetics!!!

My neighbor wears her clothes too tight
which wins her dates most every night.
They do not mind her overbite
or that she’s not too erudite.

Her life just seems to hum along—
nothing too right, nothing too wrong.
And though her life is over-bitten,
No part of it is overwritten

except for the incessant drone
of her ubiquitous telephone.
As annoying as a megaphone,
it never ceases its loud drone.

The admiration of her crowd
of callers should not be allowed.
We wish they’d call less on the phone,
thus lessening its constant moan.

If just one suitor would ease our plight
and remain there overnight,
perhaps she’d take it off the hook.
We crave our peace by hook or crook!

A night without its incessant trilling
would, I must admit, be thrilling.
We do not have as many fears
for her morals as for our ears!

The prompt words today were hum, megaphone, overwrite and admire.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/02/05/rdp-tuesday-hum/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/02/05/fowc-with-fandango-megaphone/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/05/your-daily-word-prompt-overwrite-february-5-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/admire/

Cowboys

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Cowboys

When considering cowboys, there’s much to admire.
They’re tough and they’re skilled and available for hire.

Their style’s not eclectic. They all look the same.
They’re wild and they’re wooly. Not easy to tame.

They’re never clandestine. They’re out in the open.
Just  shootin’ and spittin’ and ridin’ and ropin’.

Made out of leather and chew and barbed wire,

nobody knows when cowboys expire.

For though they aren’t known for their tact or their heart,
there’s much to admire in how they depart.

No need for a service or funeral pyre,
no casket, no preacher, no flowers, no choir.

They merely climb up and sit straight in the saddle,
ride toward the horizon and simply skedaddle.

 

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https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/rdp-monday-skedaddle/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/02/04/fowc-with-fandango-eclectic/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/your-daily-word-prompt-clandestine-february-4-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/04/admire/

Levels of Agility

Levels of Agility

As I crossed the meadow, I saw a large tree
that seemed to be perfect for climbing to me.
Its shade was inviting and seemed to create
a suitable topic for a debate.
Could I ascend its formidable trunk
and my lack of agility thereby debunk?
Or would I fall down with a tremendous clunk
and wind up in a heap in a terrible funk?

I’ve a poor sense of balance and that could create
a fall that could ruin my mobility rate.
I could fall on my head and get a sound crack
or break both my legs or my neck or my back
or get tangled in branches to such a degree
that they’d need a buzz saw to extricate me.
All in all, my decision finally made,
I spread out a blanket and lay in its shade.

Prompt words for today are balance, tree, inviting and create.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/rdp-tuesday-balance/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/01/29/fowc-with-fandango-tree/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/your-daily-word-prompt-inviting-january-29-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/create/

Intervention

Intervention

There is no need to instigate a further conversation.
I do not wish to carry on further investigation.
Your research notes are copious. You are immersed in piles of them.
Why must you accumulate miles and miles and miles of them?

Please, conquer your obsession. Let us get on with our lives.
Your number one obsession has me breaking out in hives!
I rue the day I prompted you to have a little look
at what I just considered an entertaining book.

I didn’t have a single clue–not an inkling that
you would quickly be obsessed with the Vampire Lestat!
A Discovery of Witches then joined your Zombie thing.
Every occult creature in graveyard or on wing

has seemed to colonize your mind, squeezing out all other
former occupations: football, hockey and your mother!!!
This is an intervention. I’m unplugging the TV,
seizing all your Anne Rice books. Replacing them with me.

Try to read me like a book. Look here into my eyes.
Vampires aren’t the only creatures who can mesmerize.
We’ll toss your zombies in a pile and stage a mass cremation.
Our sex life should improve a lot with their elimination.

I won’t need to bite your neck. My seductions won’t be gory.
They’ll be the furthest thing from an American Horror Story.
Things that go bump in the night need not all make you wary.
Let me raise your pulse rate by a means that is less scary!!!

Prompt words today are immerse, copious, extreme and instigate.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/rdp-wednesday-immerse/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/01/23/fowc-with-fandango-copious/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/your-daily-word-prompt-extreme-january-23-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/23/instigate/

Silver Platter

Silver Platter

I would not have your heart, my dear, on a silver platter,
for it does not seem to hold the things that really matter.
It only holds the riches to which greedy men aspire.
It does not hold the sentiments that stir us or inspire.
Humor and humility you lack in equal measure.
I fear that life with you would be lacking in the pleasure
that is the spice of living—that gives existence savor.
Life with you would just be rich, but sadly lacking flavor.
So keep your diamonds and your yacht and stow your silver platter.
I’d rather spend my time acquiring things that really matter!

For Daily Inkling’s prompt Silver Platter.

New Man at the Opera

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New Man at the Opera

With his head held at this angle, in the cape of a magician,
it’s true that he looks noble, but he’s merely a technician
in a laboratory where I fear they are uncouth—
where they dissect small animals and magnify the truth.

They then sell us the results at an inflated price.
Although he looks a gentleman, he isn’t very nice.

They say his former conquests are piled to the roof.
You’ll be his next small animal if you don’t stand aloof.

He distilled all their beauty into a fine elixir
that promises eternal youth. It is indeed a fixer
of wrinkles and of attitudes gained throughout a life
of the constant labor of motherhood and wife.

Thus goes all the gossip at the opera today
as the local ladies inspect, dissect and weigh
the assets and the defects of the newest man in town.
They titter and they bug their eyes. They giggle and they frown.
And by the end of the first act, they still don’t have a clue
about the way that they should act. What is it they should do

if they attract his interest? Should they snub or should they charm?
Each single lady fantasizes clinging to his arm.
The gossip after all may be a slight exaggeration
based loosely on the truth but still with no verification.
By interval, they’ve thought it through and make repeated passes
past the box he sits in, or view him through their glasses.

And early the next morning, they begin their primping—
their lipsticking and powdering, their combing, curling, crimping.
They line up on the sidewalk, waiting for their turn
to enter through his doorway to have their chance to learn
the truth about his mystery. In all, they numbered ten,
those maidens who there entered, and were never seen again!!!

 

 

The prompt words today are angle, noble, laboratory and magnify.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/01/22/rdp-tuesday-angle/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/01/22/fowc-with-fandango-noble/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/22/your-daily-word-prompt-laboratory-january-22-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/22/magnify/

No Head for Business

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No Head for Business

I fear I must be adamant in stating my demands.
In this I am unshakeable. My initial sales price stands.
I do not like this bargaining. I find it all a chore.
I’d rather be off wandering. Business is a bore.
And though I must admit that your demeanor is most affable,
your offer is too little. In fact I find it laughable.
It will do no good to counter offer. I’m set on the price
that would reimburse me for leaving paradise.

I have no bottom offer. This is no power game.
To nickel and to dime it is a practice I find lame.
The palm trees are all swaying, there’s hot water in the pool,

and the more I think about it, I see that I’m a fool
to leave this little Shangri-la. Where would I find its sequel?
It’s clear that for the price I ask I could not find its equal!
Here swinging in my hammock with a cocktail and my pup,
I am so contented that my sales price just went up!!

Prompt words today were chore, affable, adamant and power.

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/01/18/rdp-friday-chore/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/01/18/fowc-with-fandango-affable/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/01/18/your-daily-word-prompt-adamant-january-18-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/01/18/power/