Category Archives: Humor

Why Me? NaPoWriMo 2019 Day 2

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Why Me?

Today I have the doldrums. My smile is upside down.
I cannot go to meet my cronies in the town.
My misery is absolute, I’m coughing and I’m sneezing,
and all this blowing of the nose is definitely unpleasing.

My bones could use some stretching, but I fear this will not be,
and Sandy, Harriet and Glen today I will not see.
I’ll try to talk to Gloria on the telephone
explaining why it’s best today that I am alone.

Why in fifteen minutes, as they shoot the  breeze.
will I be forced to lie abed, to blow my nose and sneeze?
Almond croissants and coffee and congeniality
are theirs while I am sentenced to echinacea tea!

The world just isn’t fair, my friend. I’m such a sorrowful wretch.
The only pleasure left in life to lie here and to kvetch!
It is life’s  idiosyncrasy that nine times out of ten
when I most want to paint the town, instead I must stay in.

What master of the universe sees that such a function
turns out to be a flop as a method of conjunction
with busy friends  that for two months I haven’t seen together
and in the one time we can meet, keeps me on such short tether?

 

The prompt words today are stretch, idiosyncrasy, absolute and upside. In addition, the NaPoWriMo prompt for today is to write a poem that ends in a question. Here are links to all:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/rdp-tuesday-stretch/
FOWC with Fandango — Idiosyncrasy
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/your-daily-word-prompt-absolute-april-2-
2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/upside/
NaPoWriMo 

Green Cuisine

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Christine Goodnough knows me so well. When she issued this challenge, she probably knew I’d not only do her bidding, but exceed it.  Here is her challenge:

I enjoyed your poem very much. However, it did set my mind to whirling, especially the part about ugly words having a charm of their own. So here are a few…er…unique words. And since it’s April, they’re green. I challenge you to whip up a poem with three of them. 😉

chlorophyll
fettuccine
poison ivy
rosemary
parakeet

Greenland

Yes, of course I used not only three but all of them.  Overachievers never grow up, after all.

Green Cuisine

Since my parakeet moved to Greenland, green things are all he’ll eat,
so cuisine without much chlorophyll is sure to meet defeat.
He’ll eat poison ivy and rosemary and dill.
Basil with fettuccine is welcome in his bill.

But just plain yellow birdseed is a taste he’d never pick.
He prefers green tea ice cream even though he cannot lick.
His speed devouring veggies is the fastest I have seen
so long as I remember that those veggies must be GREEN!!

I Laughed So Hard at These Autocorrect Bloopers That I Was Afraid I’d Have a Stroke!

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Click on it and hopefully you will see them all.  Hope it works.  I laughed so hard that the cat left the room! Click on the right arrow on each frame to move on to the next.  Thanks to Linda Crosfield for sending them to me!

The Brush Off

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The Brush Off

A less than amicable parting, he leaves her paints and easel
but takes her masterpieces, the slimy little weasel.
As he struggles with them while slipping out the door,
she shouts her rejoinder, “I always can make more,
whereas it is less likely that you, my dear, will ever
find another bread-winner so talented and clever!”

When he runs out of money and slinks back to disarm her,
all his “mea culpas” will do nothing but rearm her.
She will hear him coming in his rattletrap old van
that he always claimed was a  sort of talisman
of those happy hippy days when he was such a charmer
that she was convinced he was her knight in shining armor.

But he has shattered her illusions ‘til there’s nothing left but rubble.
His bellbottoms are tattered and his goatee turned to stubble.
His dreadlocks fall from balding pate, his “Hey Man” is not cool.
He came into her life a god, but left it as a fool.
She’s given him the brush-off. No more is she his wife.
If he comes back he’ll only meet with her palette knife.

Prompt words today are amicable, weasel, talisman and Mea culpa.
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/your-daily-word-prompt-talisman-march-28-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/mea-culpa/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/rdp-thursday-weasel/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/28/fowc-with-fandango-amicable/

Advice to a Brand New Stepmom

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Advice to a Brand New Stepmom

Release your indignation. Try to quell your grief.
The air is redolent with clues of the impish thief.
Don’t you smell the bubble gum? Can’t you catch a sniff
of the perfumed hair gel that makes his hair so stiff?
Those two dozen cookies that you’d put in a stack
to package for the bake sale, I’d bet are in a sack
high up in the tree house in your own back yard.
The next time you bake cookies, you’d better post a guard!

 

The prompt words today are thief, release, redolent and impish. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/rdp-wednesday-thief/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/27/fowc-with-fandango-release/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/your-daily-word-prompt-redolent-march-27-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/impish/

Gone Fishin’

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Gone Fishin’

All of the other girls are extolling
your expertise in flirting and trolling
for available fellows here at the bar.
The barstool regulars know who you are. 
When you remove your jacket, revealing your chest,
it’s the general opinion, your bait is the best.

The only “rule” for a quadrille poem is that is has exactly 44 words, not counting the title. The prompt word was “troll.” Strangely enough, that prompt seemed to invade my next day 4-prompt posting as well.  Here’s that post:
https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/03/26/trolls/

For the dVerse Poets Quadrille Prompt.

TrackRbravo Lament

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TrackRbravo Lament

There was a little gadget I bought two years ago
but when it came to using it, I was a little slow.
Since instructions were too difficult, I maintained the status quo
and continued, when I lost my keys, to seek them high and low,

looking in the old way by fumbling through my purse,
perusing tabletops and hooks and wastebaskets and worse.
Every time I lost my keys, I’d fuss and swear and wheeze,
searching drawers and closets on my tiptoes or my knees.

But recently I found the box where I’d stowed the appliance
and decided that I’d make another try at an alliance.
I tested its small battery and found plenty of juice
to assure its assistance in my tracker’s use.

After struggling to get the battery inside
the little TrackRbravo disk where it would reside,
I fetched the brief instructions which accomplished not a thing.
I could not pair it to my phone, and it refused to ring.

I made a trip to YouTube which helped a small bit more.
When I pushed the button, I heard a small faint roar.
And after just an hour, I’d linked it to my phone.
No more would my keychain roam this earth alone.

At first I searched and searched and searched, and I searched in vain
for the spot upon my phone where I could complain
when I could not find the place where my keys had hidden
so I could find them in the spot to which I had been bidden.

When I finally found the spot—a paltry little dot,
where I had never thought to look, although I looked a lot—
I pushed the button and I heard for the initial time
my keychain’s piping little voice––it’s initiation chime.

As hard as this procedure was, I knew it could be worse,
and I felt a sense of power tossing keys into my purse
full of reassurance that I’d not be late
due to searching for my keys before my luncheon date.

But hours before I had to go, I heard a little buzz
making more disturbance than a mosquito does.
I tracked it to my table, then tracked it to my bag.
insistently, it whined at me––an annoying little nag.

I went back to my phone and found the place to quell its stammer,
then settled down to work again, relieved of all its clamor.
But then, alas, five minutes more, and it went off again.
It seems that it can’t wait for my request to start its din.

And so now, five hours later, I’ve been out and came back home.
I’m sitting at computer, composing this dumb poem.
I feasted with three favorite friends and I enjoyed it so,
but, alas, my TrackRbravo didn’t get to go.

I removed it from my car keys and stashed it far away
thinking that a quiet place its panic would allay.
But hear that little buzzing sound coming from my closet?
No matter what I try to do, I cannot seem to pause it.

And though I know what’s causing it, I cannot make it freeze.
It just goes off at random, whenever it may please.
Perhaps it’s looking for my keys and does not have a clue
and instead of just one problem, I find that I have two!

 

The prompt words today are closet, paltry, fetching and feast. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/24/rdp-sunday-closet/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/24/fowc-with-fandango-paltry/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/24/your-daily-word-prompt-fetching-march-24-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/24/feast/

Dining Out on Aches and Pains

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Dining Out on Aches and Pains

Every day they exercise their God-given right
all of their various maladies and twinges to recite.
Over coffee in the morning and martinis after five,
they nod their heads with wonder that they are still alive.

Over pork with wine sauce, they whine about their bladders.
They complain about dizziness. They cannot ascend ladders.
Obstructions in their bowels and needed hip replacements
seem not to curb their appetites for listing such debasements.

From head to toe, they tell the rest each disease and malfunction,
discuss medicine and herbs, consider extreme unction.
 They moan about their neck aches and complain about each corn.
This relation of their aches and pains amounts to senior porn!

As though proud of each new symptom, they relate them with some glee,
hoping to receive some newfound sympathy from me,
but in fact I’ve heard all of their ills time and time again,
and I think that it’s their telling that is a royal pain!!

Prompts for today are exercise, symptom, royal and rest. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/21/rdp-thursday-exercise/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/21/fowc-with-fandango-symptom/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/21/your-daily-word-prompt-royal-march-21-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/21/rest/

Mixed Signals

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Mixed Signals

Incoherent messages from your come-hither eyes
often contradict your usual disguise.
When your eyes invite me yet your mouth is so severe,
I hesitate to steal a kiss, let-alone come near.
So even though my radar tells me you’re inviting,
I abandon future plans for fear you will be biting!

The prompt words today are abandon, radar, hither and incoherent. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/20/rdp-wednesday-abandon/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/20/fowc-with-fandango-radar/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/20/your-daily-word-prompt-hither-march-20-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/20/incoherent/

On the Nature of Matter: Atomic Dieting

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In response to LWBUT’s post on the structure of matter—that it is mainly composed of empty space, here is my answer:

On the Nature of Matter: Atomic Dieting

When I worry about dieting in order to get thin,
I merely remind myself there’s less of me within!