Category Archives: humorous poem

Why Bakeries Were Invented

Why Bakeries Were Invented

I’ve baked the cake, but cannot get the damn thing from the pan—
the problem being, mainly, that sticky layer of flan.
My daughter had demanded it, persnickety like her dad.
How had she ever heard of flan? I guess it was a fad.

I poured the custard in the pan and covered it with batter,
not sure whether the flan went first or if it was the latter.
Ten minutes in the oven and the glop began to rage
as though it was an animal, intent to leave its cage.

It roiled and fluxed, formed bubbles and spouted like fresh lava.
I lit a cigarette and poured another cup of java.
Although it was her birthday, I rued the day I’d asked
what kind of cake she wanted, for in this I’m sorely tasked.

But surprisingly, this devil cake did not escape its boundaries,
in spite of all my puzzlements and all my gross confounderies.
Now that I’ve finally got it out, I really am exhausted—
only to hear her next request. Now she wants it frosted!!!

Prompt words for today are exhausted, cage, flux, persnickety and cover.

Doggie Attention

Doggie Attention

Though they love to eat obnoxious stuff
like bees and grass and dryer fluff,

see how they bristle
at my whistle?
Come a-running
for more funning?

Making pious little prayers for
just one doggie biscuit more,

they’re more pawsome
than they’re awesome—
begging treats
with doggie feets.

They’re authors of expressions of
countless little signs of love.

Giving sure signs 
of their designs,
they tell no lies
with tails and eyes,

Prompt words today are bristle, obnoxious, awesome, pious and author.

Honey This and Honey That

 


Your honeyfuggling habits will not work with me.

Your foreplay is of no effect—just makes me want to pee.
If you want to romance me, you’ll have to get more physical.
This flittering and buzzing just makes me slightly quizzical.
You promise that your tactics will become more auspicious,
but then you call me “Honey” and make me more suspicious.
Your strategies of courtship are too fluttery and free.
I fear that our love story was just not meant to “bee.”

 

 

The prompt word for word of the day is honeyfuggle.

Fruitless Interrogation

Fuitless Interrogation

When they lampooned the bully, he nearly slipped a gasket.
They had made his effigy and put it in a casket.
When he finds out exactly who engineered this jaunt,
He’ll know whose school locker that he’ll have to haunt
to find retribution—to torture and harass.
When he finds out who did it, he’ll surely have their ass!
But when it comes to sleuthery, he’s not doing so well.
The entire school was in on it. Nobody’s going to tell!

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash. Used with permission. Prompt words today are bully, lampoon, jaunt and basket.

Neologism


Neologism

Once talk at the next table had hushed, I made the observation
that it was likely they were listening to our conversation.  
And though they were both smirking and though their eyes were glistening,
they swore they were not eavesdropping. They were just overlistening!

 

For dVerse Poets Quadrille Challenge: Eavesdrop. (This true story happened to a friend and me in 1981 in a small diner in Cannon Beach, Oregon.) A quadrille is a poem of exactly 44 words.

Missed Shot

Missed Shot

He was not noted for his charm, much less for his amenity.
Although he had been praised a bit for success at serenity.
He found spectator sports to be relaxing and most riveting
those times when he was not intent on shooting hoops or divoting.

His interests were not widespread, his hobbies not eclectic.
He simply spent his time at hoops and golf—both actual and electric.
But because a dance or movie caused him great travail,
his attempts to woo fair maidens were to no avail.

And so he forfeited a life of conjugal felicity
for a single life of what was unrelieved simplicity.
And  though he thought that chances for love had passed him by,
it wasn’t just a stroke of fate, but more a lapse of eye,

As he shot hoops with brothers on a public knoll,
a lady he’d admired before out on an aimless stroll,
paused to watch their antics, and especially to watch him
as he lofted up the ball and put it through the rim.

But when the lady winked, he traded one pass for the other
by simply pivoting to throw the ball on to his brother!
He thought that chance had passed him by. He had no luck at all,
when in fact the problem was he only watched the ball!

 

 

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash. Used with permission. Prompt words for the day are serenity, riveting, eclectic, travail and simplicity.

Delusions of Athleticism

Delusions of Athleticism

Since I’m loyal by habit, it’s hard to explain
my quick burst of laughter in spite of the pain
you must have experienced in your hard fall
as you reached your foot out to kick back the ball
that had escaped the children at play,
rolling out of the street and into your way. 

but my dear, you aren’t known for athletic ability—
your speed or your aim or your grace or stability.
Yet again, please excuse my unrestrained snicker
making light of your dreams of being a kicker.

Word prompts today are again, excuse, laughter, loyal  and habit. Image by Afa Ah Loo on Unspash, used with permission.

Bird Bath

Bird Bath

You bask in the sun as you crane to inspect
that bird in the water, demanding respect.
How odd that he has not one thing to say
and as you caw your challenge, doesn’t fly away.
When you bob your head at him, he bobs at you.
He’s an image of everything you choose to do.
Then, Mr. Raven, as you fly away,
So too does the other decide not to stay.
Just as you stage your sudden defection,
flying away with you is your reflection.

 

Prompt words today are bask, odd, raven, respect and image.

Well-dined


Well-Dined

Your settings are fantabulous–the china and the cutlery
a window to an earlier time of serving maids and butlery.
Your butter knives and bread plates, shrimp forks and the rest
might lead to intense nervousness as we’re put to the test
to know which fork we should use next. The difference between
the cake fork or the salad fork is not so easily seen.

You’re such an avid hunter through antique stores and bazaars,
searching for ornate candlesticks and antique canning jars,
that you must have been ecstatic when you found this antique set
of twelve place settings, all intact. How lucky could you get?
Eleven serving pieces, plus eleven for each setting—
to hint at all the courses that each diner would be getting.

Spoons for every purpose from ice tea to demitasse. 
So many forks that Martha Stewart would be at a loss.
Cheese knives, cake knives, butter knives. Knives for steak and fish.
A different knife or spoon or fork for every single dish!
As we sit down, it’s quite befuddling perusing them,
let alone imagining that we will all be using them.

Our sideways glances indicate we’re all of the same mind.
No matter how confusing, we are bound to be well-dined!

 

These particular prompt words somehow led me to a memory of a brass-with-teakwood- handles set of cutlery that I bought in a bazaar in India. It was comprised of 144 pieces–eleven pieces in each of the twelve place settings and eleven serving pieces. I was so impressed with it in it’s lovely red felt-lined teakwood case that I bought two of them—one for me and one for my sister. They were, however, a pain to wash and keep shiny as you couldn’t put them in the dishwasher, and when I moved to Mexico, I sold mine. My sister’s had been consigned to her basement storage long before that, but I did once throw a dinner party where I invited eleven people and served a course for each implement. This meant: salad fork, shrimp fork, dinner fork, cake fork, demitasse spoon, ice tea spoon, soup spoon, teaspoon, steak knife, butter knife, regular knife.

Everything went fine until one friend showed up half an hour late from the bar, drunk and with three friends! Needless to say, I was not happy as my service didn’t stretch to fifteen. I had to set up another card table with my regular cutlery and  they had to eat their shrimp cocktail and salad with the same fork.  After that, my own set was consigned to basement storage as well, but at least it led to this poem.

Prompt words for today are fantabulous, hunter, ecstatic, intense and window. Photo by Dilyara Garifullina on Unsplash. Used with permission.

 

Unready for Steady

Unready for Steady

I’m being boyfriended to death, and it’s only been a week
of walking home from school together, strolling cheek-to cheek.
I never see my girlfriends. I have no time alone.
Every single moment, we are touching bone-to-bone.
I didn’t really think about the facts of going steady.
I guess I should have realized that I just wasn’t ready.
So because you are his best friend, I’m begging you to ready him
because after school today, I’m going to unsteady him!

For dVerse Poets Pub: Verbing