Category Archives: Humor

Lazy April

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Then she was so tuckered out that she decided to take a little rest in the hammock.

Lazy April

As the floating clouds of April leave their tracks across the sky,
they keep their rain inside of them. My flower beds are dry.
My characteristic lethargy I fear I’ll have to quell
by getting all the hoses out and turning on the well.
My watering can’s more portable, I could water by hand,
but I am so very lazy, and I fear I’d have to stand
for hours, shedding water everywhere I go.
Watering with a watering can, in short, is way too slow.
I’ll fire up the sprinklers, give the hoses all a jerk
and go back to my hammock and watch them do their work.

 

The prompts were April, track, characteristic and portable. Here are their links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/rdp-saturday-april/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/13/fowc-with-fandango-track/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/your-daily-word-prompt-characteristic-april-13-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/portable/

Excellent Investment Opportunity!!!

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Excellent Investment Opportunity!!!

My old cat will not eat her meals of chicken, meat or fishes.
Can after can, they’re offered, but they do not meet her wishes.
And although she’s demanding, calling for food at all hours,
only now and then do I provide food she devours.

I spend a fortune on her food, but still she oft refuses it.
She lowers her nose and sniffs the air, saunters over and peruses it,
gives two licks, then leaves the rest, meowing for some other
as later it is eaten by the dogs or by her brother.

“Fancy Feast” or “Kitty Cuisine”—whatever, she rejects it,
and if perchance she deigns to dine, afterwards she ejects it.
Since somehow at 18 years old, she’s nonetheless abiding,
perhaps they are hyperbole, these things that I’m confiding,

Still, she is particular and more so as she ages.
At 6 a.m. and noon and five and midnight, how she rages.
It makes no difference whether I am sleeping, sitting, standing.
“Now” and “Now” “NEEEEOW!!!!” she yowls, stubbornly demanding.

Lately, I have had a thought (It’s genius and no less)
of how to please her highness re: this culinary mess.
We need to have new flavors of cat food she might like—
rat or lizard, garter snake, hummingbird or shrike.

Why has no one thought of this? It makes such perfect sense.
Cats do not trawl for tuna or sit upon a fence
waiting for turkeys to trot by. They do not fish for trout.
They wait for passing chipmunks or for mice to run about.

I’m starting up a business canning food that she would eat.
She’ll gobble mouse fresh from the can and soon she’ll be replete.
If I can’t  find investors, I’m going it alone.
“Judy’s Pest Control and Disposal”––killing two birds with one stone.

 

Here, if you are interested, is the first stage of development of my innovational new cat food: https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/04/14/cat-and-mouse/

And here is the final product: https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/04/14/el-raton-cat-food-motivational-and-dispersal-system/

 

If

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If

 

 

Prompt words today are coast, natural, aghast and venturesome. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/06/rdp-saturday-coast/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/06/fowc-with-fandango-natural/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/06/your-daily-word-prompt-aghast-april-6-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/06/venturesome-2/

The NaPoWriMo post is: Today, write a poem that emphasizes the power of “if,” of the woulds and coulds and shoulds of the world.

Past Due

7 Replies

Past Due

No laundry can remove the lipstick stains from all your collars,
and you can’t buy atonement with all your guilty dollars.
I won’t condone your straying or ease one guilty thought.
My trust in you can’t be restored. Forgiveness can’t be bought.

You’ve plenty of excuses backed up with your regret,
but your tears won’t get you anything but wet.
I’m tired of all your stories, unaffected by your tears.
Fidelity is something you can’t pay for in arrears.

 

Prompt words today are laundry, condone, plenty and collar. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/rdp-friday-laundry
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/04/05/fowc-with-fandango-condone/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/your-daily-word-prompt-plenty-april-5-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/05/collar/

Why Me? NaPoWriMo 2019 Day 2

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Why Me?

Today I have the doldrums. My smile is upside down.
I cannot go to meet my cronies in the town.
My misery is absolute, I’m coughing and I’m sneezing,
and all this blowing of the nose is definitely unpleasing.

My bones could use some stretching, but I fear this will not be,
and Sandy, Harriet and Glen today I will not see.
I’ll try to talk to Gloria on the telephone
explaining why it’s best today that I am alone.

Why in fifteen minutes, as they shoot the  breeze.
will I be forced to lie abed, to blow my nose and sneeze?
Almond croissants and coffee and congeniality
are theirs while I am sentenced to echinacea tea!

The world just isn’t fair, my friend. I’m such a sorrowful wretch.
The only pleasure left in life to lie here and to kvetch!
It is life’s  idiosyncrasy that nine times out of ten
when I most want to paint the town, instead I must stay in.

What master of the universe sees that such a function
turns out to be a flop as a method of conjunction
with busy friends  that for two months I haven’t seen together
and in the one time we can meet, keeps me on such short tether?

 

The prompt words today are stretch, idiosyncrasy, absolute and upside. In addition, the NaPoWriMo prompt for today is to write a poem that ends in a question. Here are links to all:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/rdp-tuesday-stretch/
FOWC with Fandango — Idiosyncrasy
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/your-daily-word-prompt-absolute-april-2-
2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/04/02/upside/
NaPoWriMo 

Green Cuisine

12 Replies

 

Christine Goodnough knows me so well. When she issued this challenge, she probably knew I’d not only do her bidding, but exceed it.  Here is her challenge:

I enjoyed your poem very much. However, it did set my mind to whirling, especially the part about ugly words having a charm of their own. So here are a few…er…unique words. And since it’s April, they’re green. I challenge you to whip up a poem with three of them. 😉

chlorophyll
fettuccine
poison ivy
rosemary
parakeet

Greenland

Yes, of course I used not only three but all of them.  Overachievers never grow up, after all.

Green Cuisine

Since my parakeet moved to Greenland, green things are all he’ll eat,
so cuisine without much chlorophyll is sure to meet defeat.
He’ll eat poison ivy and rosemary and dill.
Basil with fettuccine is welcome in his bill.

But just plain yellow birdseed is a taste he’d never pick.
He prefers green tea ice cream even though he cannot lick.
His speed devouring veggies is the fastest I have seen
so long as I remember that those veggies must be GREEN!!

I Laughed So Hard at These Autocorrect Bloopers That I Was Afraid I’d Have a Stroke!

26 Replies

Click on it and hopefully you will see them all.  Hope it works.  I laughed so hard that the cat left the room! Click on the right arrow on each frame to move on to the next.  Thanks to Linda Crosfield for sending them to me!

The Brush Off

7 Replies

The Brush Off

A less than amicable parting, he leaves her paints and easel
but takes her masterpieces, the slimy little weasel.
As he struggles with them while slipping out the door,
she shouts her rejoinder, “I always can make more,
whereas it is less likely that you, my dear, will ever
find another bread-winner so talented and clever!”

When he runs out of money and slinks back to disarm her,
all his “mea culpas” will do nothing but rearm her.
She will hear him coming in his rattletrap old van
that he always claimed was a  sort of talisman
of those happy hippy days when he was such a charmer
that she was convinced he was her knight in shining armor.

But he has shattered her illusions ‘til there’s nothing left but rubble.
His bellbottoms are tattered and his goatee turned to stubble.
His dreadlocks fall from balding pate, his “Hey Man” is not cool.
He came into her life a god, but left it as a fool.
She’s given him the brush-off. No more is she his wife.
If he comes back he’ll only meet with her palette knife.

Prompt words today are amicable, weasel, talisman and Mea culpa.
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/your-daily-word-prompt-talisman-march-28-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/mea-culpa/
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/rdp-thursday-weasel/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/28/fowc-with-fandango-amicable/

Advice to a Brand New Stepmom

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Advice to a Brand New Stepmom

Release your indignation. Try to quell your grief.
The air is redolent with clues of the impish thief.
Don’t you smell the bubble gum? Can’t you catch a sniff
of the perfumed hair gel that makes his hair so stiff?
Those two dozen cookies that you’d put in a stack
to package for the bake sale, I’d bet are in a sack
high up in the tree house in your own back yard.
The next time you bake cookies, you’d better post a guard!

 

The prompt words today are thief, release, redolent and impish. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/rdp-wednesday-thief/
https://fivedotoh.com/2019/03/27/fowc-with-fandango-release/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/your-daily-word-prompt-redolent-march-27-2019/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/impish/

Gone Fishin’

9 Replies

Gone Fishin’

All of the other girls are extolling
your expertise in flirting and trolling
for available fellows here at the bar.
The barstool regulars know who you are. 
When you remove your jacket, revealing your chest,
it’s the general opinion, your bait is the best.

The only “rule” for a quadrille poem is that is has exactly 44 words, not counting the title. The prompt word was “troll.” Strangely enough, that prompt seemed to invade my next day 4-prompt posting as well.  Here’s that post:
https://judydykstrabrown.com/2019/03/26/trolls/

For the dVerse Poets Quadrille Prompt.