Category Archives: Humor

Mismatched Hearts

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Mismatched Hearts

She overdosed on tinder, declaring it a bomb.
She’s through with OKCupid and over Match.com.
In fourteen introductions, not one has turned out kissable.
If she had to rate them, she’d rate every date as missable.
Not one man she’s been linked to has been skookum, smooth or smart.
Not a single one of them has satisfied her heart.
Fatuous or condescending, under or over-dressed—
each one she has been matched to has left her unimpressed.
No plangent love bells have rung out.  No lover has been gettable.
One theme that’s been repetitive is that they’re all forgettable.

 

Prompt words today are skookum (strong or brave) repetitive, fatuous, plangent and smooth.

 

Outta Here!

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Outta Here!!!

The preponderance of people do not scintillate
when they tell a story wherein they relate
all the various aches and ills of their last operation,
hoping for our sympathy and our cooperation
in asking for each detail about defective parts—
their livers or their hip joints or their kidneys or their hearts.
Of course they know they’ll wow us and turn our knees to jelly
as they relate the drama of the opening of their belly,
never knowing that we’re blocking out all memory of their story
that is boring in recital, though its details may be gory.
All-in-all they need to know they’re in double jeopardy
first of losing bodily organs, and then of losing me!!!

Prompt words today are block, preponderance, jeopardy, scintillate and jelly.

Soliloquy of a Nut

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Soliloquy of a Nut

I’m ready to be sassy. I’m tired of being dull.
This toothsome nut within the shell is set to leave her hull.
My shape is callipygian. I’m hippest of them all,
and when I’ve reached maturity, you’re sure to see me fall.

When the air turns algid and its cold air cuts,
you might want to console yourself with some roasted nuts.
When you need to feed your hunger, come crack me from my shell,
for to satisfy your appetite’s exactly why I fell.

Prompts today are ready, sassy, callipygian, algid and feed.

Good Humor Rumor

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Good Humor Rumor

Chocolate chip is best, but I’m amenable to berry
when we hit the ice cream aisle at the cash and carry.

Afterwards, we’ll both lie low until the carton’s finished,
for if we share our ice cream stash, it is too soon diminished.

But somehow when we’ve paid a visit to the frozen section,
it never seems to escape our neighbor’s keen detection.

Instant company always comes knocking at our door
when we get back home again to where we were before

So if you’re not prone to sharing , I really must advise,
that if you’re bearing ice cream, it’s best done in disguise.

 

Word prompts today are lie low, restriction, instant, berry. amenable 

Couturier Extraordinaire

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I admit this is the weirdest poem I’ve ever written. Forgive me,Robert Frost….

To be sung to the tune of “Nothing Could be Finer Than to be in Carolina!”

Couturier Extraordinaire

Nothing could be finer
than to be a dress designer
a hum di-i-i-i-in-ger.

Dealing with disaster,
sewing faster faster faster
on my Si-i-i-i-in-ger.

Nothing that they do can ever h-e-e-e-ex me
even fashion stalkers cannot ve-e-e-e-ex me.

Marketing their copies
to the stoners and hip-hoppies,
they can’t ma-a-a-a-at-ch me

Gleaning all my leavings,
they are surely misconceiving,
They can’t ca-a-a-a-a-tch me.

No one in the industry can best me.
All their machinations cannot test me.

That’s why nothing could be finer
than to be this dress designer
I give wa-a-a-a-ar-ning!!
for no one can beat me
and for sure they can’t repeat me
at ado-o-o-o-or-ning!!!!!!

Prompt words are designer, perplex,  glean,  stalk, disaster,

Joys of Aging

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Joys of Aging

I expected wheezing and perhaps crepitations,
creaking joints and even gaseous emanations.
Minor loss of memory and odious rolls of fat,
problems kneeling on my knees, but apart from that,
Mother never taught me and Father never told
the most bothersome drawbacks there were to growing old.

These lines and tracks enmeshing my neck are most distressing.
I can’t conceal them with cosmetics or the way I’m dressing.
They’ve crept onto my forehead and made crow’s feet near my eyes.
These crevasses above my lips I simply can’t disguise,
and though I crave a remedy that would work for sure for them,
no website has  a cream and no peddler has a cure for them.

The only sure solution is a boyfriend who’s my age
who has similar problems so we’re on the same page.
And hopefully among those ills, he’ll suffer from myopia,
macular degeneration or perhaps presbyopia
so he will not notice the fissures on my face
or the deterioration of any other place.

Prompt words today are father, enmesh, peddler, apart,  crepitate, presbyopia, another.

 

Daily Funnies: Jan 7, 2022

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I guess I need to put out water for the cats . . . .

Traveler’s Advisory

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Traveler’s Advisory

An explorer most intrepid, while plodding pole-to-pole,
one day declared this wish to be his penultimate goal.
He wanted to increase his pace to maximal extent
by carrying less luggage everywhere he went.
He found a weightless backpack that, sadly, was inflammable,
into which he stuffed all his possessions that were crammable.
He then set off upon his trek at a healthy trot,
on a day the sun was inordinately hot.

Glancing off his zipper, it started a small fire
near the bottom of his backpack that quickly traveled higher,
igniting matches in his pack, and then the gasoline
he carried to start fires with set a magazine
stuffed into his bag top gloriously afire,
turning his whole backpack into a funeral pyre.
The moral of this story is, if your travel pack
isn’t fire retardant, don’t bear it on your back!!

Prompt words for today are inflammable, pole, explore, maximal and pace.

Be Careful What You Wish For

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Be Careful What You Wish For

The sky was dark and oorie the day of the premiere,
and approaching the red carpet, the star expressed a fear
her gown hem would be sullied as she passed through the morass
and the tabloids would just note the stains instead of her fine ass.

“Please tell them not to mention my less-than-perfect garb,
she spat out at her agent in her customary barb.
And her look was sullen as she left her limousine,
less glamorous than that depicted on the movie screen.

And as she slogged her way through puddles to the gala scene,
through photographers and writers from every magazine,
of course they all reported on that look of arch disdain
instead of any mention of her garment’s spreading stain.

Prompt words are oorie, premiere, disdain, morass and arch. Image by Raychan on Unsplash.

It Can’t Go On Without Us!!!!

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It Can’t Go On Without Us!!!!

Moss will not grow on a stone if someone’s there to spin it.
The genipapo needs a hand to squeeze the ink within it.

No finish line is ever crossed in one proverbial minute
without those legs that join the race and set a goal to win it.

No job has ever botched itself unless a human blows it.
Knowledge is not knowledge until somebody knows it.

A car without a human foot can’t pick up any speed.
What good are pears or apples without a mouth to feed?

No tail’s pinned on a donkey without a hand to pin it.
What transgression could exist without a man to sin it?

Even guilt would not exist without human compunction.
In short, the Earth’s in need of us to fulfill every function.

The Gods must be mistaken when they censure us and cuss us.
In truth, we make the world go ’round. Where would it be without us?

Prompts today are moss, minute, genipapo, botch and speed.

Poem inspired by the film “Don’t Look Up.”  Too, too close in its depiction of our present day world.