Category Archives: Humor

As Her Majesty Ordains

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As Her Majesty Ordains

An extraordinary show pooch, she was top dog in her class.
Her coat was long and silky and glittered like fine glass.
Her canine teeth were pearly, her tail a lovely plume.
Every eye turned toward her when she walked into a room.

Her master, pumped-up in his pride, gloried in her fame.
Every judge in every show knew her fabled name.
At shows he closely guarded her from every dog she met.
Never took her walking, lest her feet get wet.

Not once had she chased a ball, a rabbit or a stick.
She couldn’t jump in leaves for her coat was just too thick.
Her master feared she’d sully it and he would be the one
who’d pay with time spent grooming her if she had some fun.

But the neighbor was her savior when her master was away,
for he would come into her yard and they would run and play.
Fetching sticks and playing tug-rope and racing through the yard,
she could simply be a doggie and let down her royal guard.

But one day her master came home in the middle of the morning
and caught them in their playtime with nary a pre-warning.
He promptly whistled for his dog to bring it to an end,
casting a baleful look at his pet’s clandestine friend.

But her highness did not deign to come, in spite of all her training.
No matter what her master did, she ended up remaining
close to her only playmate–hoping the yells would end,
but instead her master fumed and shouted at her only friend.

“You hogamadog? I going to steal your cat one day!”
(Did I reveal he was Italian? You know they talk that way.)
And did I say the neighbor had a cat? He did, you know, of course.
(Sometimes when I talk, the cart goes on before the horse.)

But the whole thing ended happily. The neighbor pled his case
and before the day was over, the dog’s master joined the chase.
The neighbor helped with grooming after they all jumped in leaves,
thereby doing in one of the master’s former peeves.

Did I introduce the owner? His first name was Giuseppe.
Oscar was the neighbor, both duplicitous and peppy.
Duchess was the given name of the illustrious bitch
who improved her retrieval once her master learned to pitch.

 

Prompt words for the day are pearl, fumes, hogamadog and glitter.

Then and Now

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Then and Now

That spontaneous body that moved with swish and sway
never quite believed that there would come a day
when spring would turn to sprang and run turn into ran
and movement would become a thing achieved by plot and plan.

Dancing done in memory raises less of a sweat.
When we swim in remembrance, rarely do we get wet.
Every action has two pleasures. The first is when we do it,
but it’s equally fantastic later on when we review it.

 

Prompt words today are swish, body, spontaneous and fantastic.

Locationally Challenged

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Locationally Challenged

I’ve misplaced my glasses. Yesterday it was my keys.
If they weren’t attached, I’m fairly sure I’d lose my knees.
Some say I’m absent-minded, others say I am forgetful,
but whatever you may call me, you can bet I’m often fretful.

Whenever I walk through my house, I am forever gleaning
things I’ve lost throughout the week since Yolanda’s last cleaning.
But though I look for hours, my passport just stays lost.
I obsess about it all week long. My dreams are tempest-tossed.

Monday morning, when she arrives, it takes her just a minute
to approach me with her hand held out with my passport in it!
Ironic that though I’m the only one here who can use it,
that I also seem to be the only one who can’t peruse it!

First I lost my laptop and then I lost its mouse.
I looked under the sofa. I combed the whole darn house.
I sought it in the hammock, in the front seat of my car.
It wasn’t on the bathtub ledge, the table or the bar.

Finally, I found it in the last place where you’d look—
on the shelf above the kibble in the doggie nook!
Too many things to think about. Too many things to do.
I simply have to find a way where I can shed a few.

I’ll sacrifice my waistline and a smooth complexion. 
I’ll put up with my creaky bones and energy’s defection.
Just to keep my memory is all that I am asking,
like back when I was young and I excelled at multi-tasking.

 Prompt words for today are misplaced, bet, legendary and glean.

Last Time I Went A-Wassailing

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Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Last Time I Went A-Wassailing

Having voracious appetites for whimsy and for wine,
and although the custom is not culturally mine,
I find passing the wassail cup  simply too divine.
Sadly, with each passing, I’m increasingly supine
until the floor once under foot ends up under my spine.

Asked to leave the party when I got out of line,
I thought I’d go a-caroling somewhere except online.
Alas, I lost my Wassail cup near Hollywood and Vine,
and afterwards my harmonies started to decline.
So if you dare to venture out and take the same bus line,
 if you find a Wassail cup, it’s certain to be  mine!!

Prompt words today are wine, voracious, wassail, and whimsy.

Wassailing is a British tradition, but how it was initially performed seems to have varied by region. The most modern version involves wishing good cheer and health in the coming year to the people around you, usually while drinking a warm spiced punch. The wassail beverage likely started as a hot, sweetened mead or wine. Nowadays, the punch is a bit more complex, with fall spices, fruit juices, and sometimes other liquors added to the mulled wine or cider.

Luxuriating in Being Left

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Luxuriating in Being Left

In retrospect the loss of you has turned into a gain.
I’m rejoicing in the comfort of not having to explain.
I can do just what I want to, every day and every hour.
I am a snool to no one. I do not cringe or cower.
I sleep in in the morning with no breakfast to prepare.
I can dress the way I want to, choose the length of my own hair.
When I go to bed at night, I spread out in the middle.
I’m cool as any cucumber, not bacon on a griddle.
I wish your new love well with you, but I’m fine as I am,
for it’s the truth that when you left, I didn’t give a damn!

 

Prompt words today are nacre, comfort, rejoice and explain. Snool is an additional word I may or may not use.  The definition of snool is: a cringing person, to cringe or cower, or the opposite: to reduce to submission, cow or bully. There is one extra word today because I also used yesterday’s word from on prompt site because it was published too late to be used yesterday.

Trump’s Desk Gets All the Attention

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I just had to send on this terrific piece sent to me by my friend Larry Kolczak:

People Can’t Believe Donald Trump’s Tiny-Looking Desk For His Thanksgiving Rant Isn’t A Joke.

This photograph from Trump’s press conference soon became a meme as Twitter users joked the president had been moved to the kids’ table for Thanksgiving.  Here are some of the comments posted about this picture.

Donald Trump was moved to the kiddie table this Thanksgiving. Watch out, the grown ups are here now.

It’s like one of those “Just Like Mommy” mini kitchen sets they sell in toy catalogs, but for the Resolute Desk.

Looks like this press conference was conducted at
“The Resolute Desk Total Landscaping.”

Awww, look what Trump got for Christmas: Fisher Price’s ‘I’m still President’ Miniature Desk Play Set.

The best part about the tiny desk is this is where he got mad at a reporter and snapped “I’m the president of the United States. Don’t talk to me that way.” A cartoonist couldn’t have imagined it better.

May this be how we remember the Trump presidency: a baby at his tiny little desk throwing a tantrum.

Just want to give an extra Thanksgiving shout-out to the person in Trump’s camp who walked out to look at that desk prior to today’s presser and went, “Yeah, looks good. Bring him in.”

In case you’re wondering how they pulled this off.  Each day, a brave resistance agent would replace his desk with a slightly smaller one.

I think he thought it would make him look bigger and more powerful in comparison.

Talking Turkey

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Talking Turkey

I’d rather be footloose, I’d rather be free.
No more will I languish on any man’s knee.
I’ll eat all of my gravy and none of my peas,
get up and retire whenever I please.
I’ll retrieve no one’s underwear off of the floor.
When I use the potty, I won’t shut the door.
I won’t cover my mouth when I burp or I sneeze.
I’ll open the window to enjoy the breeze
or shut my house up as tight as a drum,
eat all the cookies to the last crumb.
I’ll dine for a month on my Turkey Day turkey.
I’ll be selfish and weird and eccentric and quirky.
For as much as I love human interactions,
 living alone has its own satisfactions.

Prompt words today are: human, gravy, retrieve and footloose.

Mother-to-Daughter

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Mother-to-Daughter

My mother had a tranquil life the years before my birth,
when I increased her headaches in addition to her girth.

I was a question-asker—a most  impertinent child,
and my ever-present inquiries drove my mother wild.

The preponderance of these queries got greater year-by-year.
Why was my reflection backwards when looking in the mirror?

Where did babies come from and where were they before?
When she and daddy went to bed, why did they lock their door?

It wasn’t until later that we seemed to trade places
and then it was my mother who put me through my paces.

Why was I coming home so late? Why was my lipstick smudged?
By the time that I was seventeen, I was the party judged.

Thus did life do a turn-about concerning endless questions,
with the one who was interrogator now doling out confessions.

 


Prompt word today are preponderance, impertinent, tranquil and birth.

Tough Old Bird

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Tough Old Bird

A doughty old bird, he strides and he gobbles
over the barnyard and over the cobbles.
While other birds scatter and rush out of sight
into foggy day vapors or into the night,
he has not a fear of this Thanksgiving blight
with its motifs of turkey and dressing and pie,
for year after year, he just seems to get by.
Stretching his neck out toward all on his beat,
he is lord of the manor and too tough to eat.

Prompt words today are motif, vapor, doughty and gobble.

Christmas Cancelled!!!

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Christmas Cancelled!!!

Lower the pinãta. Bring the party to a halt.
Cease your roar of protest, for I’m not the one at fault
for curbing your frivolity and quashing all our fun.
If you need a scapegoat, Father Christmas is the one
who turned Rudolph out to pasture and retired his sleigh to blocks.
while Gaea, Christ and Santa Claus have some major talks.
The Christ child won’t be crowned this year. The elves are on vacation.
Santa will stay a figment of your imagination.
The only Santas left are those “Ho ho” ing for their wages.
St. Nicholas gave up the ghost when we put kids in cages.

He sold off Donner and Blitzen when we turned our backs
on nature’s other creatures: the elephants and yaks.
All the endangered creatures in the forest and the seas,
those crippled by pollution, global warming and disease.
He closed up his workshop as we squandered nature’s gifts,
deserted the North Pole as the glaciers formed their rifts.
Now bad boys won’t get presents and, alas, the good ones either.
We’re being banished to our rooms while nature takes a breather.
Will Christmas come another year? I guess we’ll wait and see.
Next year will we be perched on or turned over Santa’s knee?

Prompt words for today are crown, roar, fault and figment.