Category Archives: Humor

Unready for Steady

Unready for Steady

I’m being boyfriended to death, and it’s only been a week
of walking home from school together, strolling cheek-to cheek.
I never see my girlfriends. I have no time alone.
Every single moment, we are touching bone-to-bone.
I didn’t really think about the facts of going steady.
I guess I should have realized that I just wasn’t ready.
So because you are his best friend, I’m begging you to ready him
because after school today, I’m going to unsteady him!

For dVerse Poets Pub: Verbing

Heartful Gatherings: August 27, 2020

Heartful Gatherings

Those who yawp on about rainbows and the weather are too wordy.
I’d rather converse at great length about topics more nerdy.
Crossed ankles and a pot of tea with polite conversation
seem somehow remiss in their mental titillation.
Give me feet up on the coffee table with a nerd or two—
both talk and a libation of a stronger brew.
Quantum physics, writing, music, games or art
make for a connection that is closer to my heart.
When it comes to cliques that I could  be a part of,
I prefer to find a group that I can find the heart of.

Prompt words for today are connection, nerd, rainbow, yawp and group.

Bumblebees (dVerse Poet’s Quadrille Challenge)

Bumblebees

Plant some flowers, and they will come,
and though they have a fuzzy bum,
curb your finger, curb your thumb.
Have another sip of rum.
Crack your knuckles, pop your gum.
Call your sweetie, call your mum.
Bake some brownies and have you some.

Sing a ditty, whistle, hum.
Play tuba ‘til your lips are numb.
Strum your cello, pound your drum.
Sand your chair legs ‘til they’re plumb.
Pat your kitten’s furry tum,
but as these bumblebees go and come,
to pet one would be really dumb!!!!!

For the dVerse Poets Pub Quadrille Challenge: bum. Two quadrilles on this one!!

To see the challenge, go HERE.

Home Vacation

Home Vacation

Exotic locations hold no sway with me.
I’d rather relax right here under my tree.
Here I’m sovereign of place. I’m the queen of the lot.
No finer vacation can ever be bought.

No accidental airline disaster,
no luggage to lose and I get here much faster.
The kitchen is close if I’m in need of sipping.
I need not wear masks and there’s no need for tipping.

Travel right now isn’t all that it was.
Its credibility lowered because
since we are not through with enforced quarantining,
we travel through videos and magazining.

So bring out the cards and bring out the dice,
and a dry gin martini , with olives, on ice.
If we can’t travel to Vegas or Reno,
we’ll have to make do with our home-grown casino!

Word prompts for today are sway, credibility, accidental, sovereign and location.

The Duchess’s Hair Comb

The Duchess’s Hair Comb

In a very strong wind, in a leap of confusion,
a grasshopper staged an act of intrusion.
His leap took him higher than ever before
just as a visitor opened the door,
and he rocketed high over carpet and chair
to land in the dowager’s snowy white hair.
His illegal entry unplanned and unwitting,
he clung to her coiffure and he ceased his wild flitting.
As friend after friend arrived at her door,
each was given to say, “I simply adore
your new hair ornament. Is it vintage Lalique?
and they came a bit closer, the better to peek
at the grasshopper clinging within a stiff curl,
sprayed liberally so it wouldn’t unfurl.

The grand dame, a bit dotty and splendidly vain,
said over and over and over again,
“Yes, it is,” and bent over to pour out more tea.
Then she  settled again, with a cup on her knee.
As the gossip flowed on with nary a bleep,
the grasshopper settled and soon fell asleep.
By this means, he avoided a swat or a squashing
as all of the ladies continued their noshing.
They murdered each sandwich and cookie and cake,
never once taking note that her comb was a fake. 
And when the tea ended, he took a small ride
as his patron accompanied her guests all outside.
Then he took a great leap and was finally free
to luxuriate in his new liberty.

Not one person there knew the truth of the matter.
One guest told the tale to her favorite hatter
of the fabulous jewel the dowager wore
and the hatter relayed it to more and to more
of his customers, then asked the lady who wore it
if she would show him, so he, too, could adore it.
So she raided her vaults and her jewelry case,
but the jewel had vanished—was gone with no trace.
And the lady, known lately as vague and forgetful,
imagined great loss and grew angry and fretful.

She questioned her servants, then called the police,

but since she could find not a trace of the piece—
no receipts or photos or proofs of insurance—
the police could not give her any assurance
that they could recover it, and soon departed,
leaving the dowager so broken-hearted,
now convinced that this hair ornament was her favorite,
mourning the fact that no more could she savor it.
Thus goes the story that was handed down
among the servants and all over town.
It went down in history as a grand theft
that left the grand duchess sorely bereft.
While down in the garden,  hearty and hale,
her purloined jewel calmly munched on her kale.

Prompt words today are carpet, rocket, garden, intrusion and illegal.

Advice for Novice Parents

Advice for Novice Parents

You’re supporting and loving. Efficient? Well, maybe.
Most times you can locate that elusive baby.
You’re parents with character—sometimes too much of it.
(A quirk functions better with only a touch of it.)
When you pause in your diapering for a martini,
your baby may wage a protest with his weenie.
Better you party when parenting’s done
so baby’s not there to dampen your fun!

 

Prompt words today are pause, character, supporting, elusive and  baby.

Campused

I actually wrote two poems to the prompts today. This was one I wrote in a notebook while waiting in the dentist’s office. I decided it was sort of a downer in a time of too many downers, so I wrote another, but it called out from the notebook sitting on my desk beside my computer, so here it is with all its warts.

Campused

It’s a kind of surviving, this new life we share.
We rarely leave home and we don’t cut our hair.
We mainly commune with our kids and our spouses
and cover our faces when we must leave our houses.
We maintain a distance of six feet away.
We deterge our hands countless times every day.

A soupcon of hand sanitizer’s our goal
when touching a surface not in our control.
Not a world of our choice and not one by design,
so we sulk and we protest. We pout and we whine.
Yet we are not blameless, for it’s the result
of the short-sighted goals of the consumer cult.

Parents respond when kids get out of hand.
So, too, Mother Nature must take a stand.
She’s decided to send each of us to our room
lest we mess up her world, thus sealing its doom.
If we won’t behave, she must take a firm hand.
We’ve not followed her rules, so we have been banned.

Prompts today are survivingdesignsoupcondeterge and kind. And also, for dVerse Poets

Joke of the Day: 1969 vs. 2019

1969 vs. 2019 (A span of only 50 YEARS)
1969 : Long hair
2019 : Longing for hair
196 9 : KEG
2019 : EKG
196 9 : Acid rock
2019 : Acid reflux
1969 : Moving to California because it’s cool
2019 : Moving to Arizona because it’s warm
1969 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2019 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1969 : Seeds and stems
20 19 : Roughage
1969 : Hoping for a BMW
2019 : Hoping for a BM
1969 : Going to a new, hip joint
2019 : Receiving a new hip joint
1969 : Rolling Stones
2019 : Kidney Stones
1969 : Passing the drivers’ test
2019 : Passing the vision test
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
(Notice the larger type that’s for those of you who have trouble reading.)
So have a nice day!!!
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!
This was sent to me by friends who received it from Tim Sparks. I’m not sure if he wrote it and as I couldn’t find it on Google, I can’t attribute it. Had to pass it on, however..

Beach Bomb

Click on photos to enlarge.

I was at my favorite beach–La Manzanilla, in Mexico, minding my own business, enjoying a wonderful sunset, when I came upon this man sitting in a chair out in the surf–sipping a margarita!  I made a passing remark as I passed, and the next thing I knew, he was leaving his chair, pulling me over to it, sitting me down and handing me his margarita. “Give me your camera,” he said. “I’ll take your photo.”  As he did, I didn’t really notice the woman out in the surf, but by the time he’d snapped a couple of photos, she had made her appearance–and, yup, bombed my photo! She gave us a back view, too, but figured none of the guys would want to see it.

 

For Friday Fun-Beach

Designer Diets

Designer Diets

I’m in need of a diet in front and behind,
yet I cannot survive on such food as the kind
that dieting gurus decree I must chew
like all of the reigning glamor queens do.

Designer lettuce and parsley and kale
with a soupcon of dressing is what they inhale.
They do not eat Oreos, bon bons or gummies.
They deterge their colons and staple their tummies.

No carbohydrates of any kind
will they order in diners, even in a bind.
And so they go hungry, albeit they’re svelte,
but I think I would rather just loosen my belt.

 

Prompts today are surviving, design, soupcon, deterge and kind.