Category Archives: humorous poem

“Spur”ned

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“Spur”ned

Your boots are outlandish. They’re fancy and chic.
I bet they attract all the women you seek,
but your uncanny luck in attracting the ladies
won’t get you to Heaven—may take you to Hades,
for your looks are deceiving. Your spectacular start
won’t prevail when it comes to matters of heart.
Better cancel the wedding, unless, instead,
you learn when you wear your new boots to bed,
what you start you can’t finish. You’ll never be hers
If you don’t remember to take off the spurs!!!

 

Today’s prompt words are deceiving, finish, uncanny, prevail and cancel. 

Rules and Regulations

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Rules and Regulations

Orange houses? Not allowed. Nor are blue or yellow.
The rules of this subdivision call for hues more mellow.
Tan or brown or gray or beige, trim equally sedate
are the colors they allow and you’ll seal your fate
if you select tricolors or a hue too bright.
Original’s not sanctioned. Artistic’s just not right.
Your entire edifice must sport one desert hue
lest you be delinquent in your neighbor’s view.
The ratio of bright-to-dull? Exceptionally low.
Blending-in is favored. One’s not allowed to glow.
They simply prefer colors more tranquil and more restful.
And so they do not put up with house colors more zestful.
Everybody to their own–monochrome or bawdy.
As for me, the hues I choose tend to be more gaudy.
They do not want the likes of me in Phoenix or Calexico.
If I want such colors, they with ship me off to Mexico.



Writing prompts today are tricolor, edifice, delinquent, entire and ratio, First photo by Eric Brehm on Unsplash. Used with permission.

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Schmutzwortsuche, Aug 14, 2020

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Schmutzwortsuche

I’m a martyr to the language, a proponent of its usage.
Malapropisms shatter me. I cringe at their abusage.
I’m a verbal junkie. I use language every day.
Rare is the occasion where I don’t know what to say.
Yet, mere crude modern vulgarisms rarely cross my lips.
I cling to formal usage—give gratuities, not tips.
I need not stoop to schmutzwortsuche, for I’m never bored.
There are so many nicer words in books where words are stored.
But if a vulgarism is your quip of last resort,
at least please choose a clever one for your rude retort!


 

Prompt words today are martyr, verbal, schmutzwortsuche, gratuity and language.

Free the Birds

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Free the Birds

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” a psychic said to me.
Then my psychiatrist said the same, but for a bigger fee.
When people preach to me like this, I get set in my ways.
I’m never going to take advice from folks who spout clichés!

The birds that I have had in hand number very few.
I can’t recall a single time I combed a bush for two.
I have no wish to take a walk in another’s shoe.
I’m simply loathe to think in adages as others do.

I’ve never thought the grass was greener in my neighbor’s yard,
and spouting other people’s words does not make you a bard.
I don’t think quoting adages makes us any wiser.
If my neighbor’s lawn is greener, I’ll just use more fertilizer.

So please don’t give me your advice using a hackneyed phrase,
for all this glib advice just sorta puts me in a daze.
And if you simply must advise, my character to hone,
please do me a big favor and just use words of your own!!!

For Thursday Inspiration: Free

Donald’s Time Out

23 Replies

Donald’s Time Out

Everyone knows that you reap what you sow.
This platitude’s spoken wherever we go.
And when it is cotton you bury so deep,
It’s also true that you’ll sew what you reap.

You must get despondent when things don’t go right,
for the seeds that you’ve sown are what you must bite.
If you plant bitter melons, you’ll meet with defeat
if sweeter fruit is what you want to eat.

Whatever is planted at your behest
is what you will yield at your own request.
Whatever you’ve buried will rise to the top.
Benevolent actions will yield a kind crop.

But harm done to others, you’ll likely rue,
as the other one acted upon will be you!
You are part of the world where you’re planting your seed,
and you’ll bear the brunt of your terrible greed.

It’s a different dark harvest the world is now reaping.
It’s been getting a foothold while you have been sleeping.
As you wielded your golf clubs, its roots have spread wide.
It lifted its branches as millions have died.

It crept out of cages as children bemoaned
the fact they were hungry and cold and alone.
It was watered by rivers poisoned and polluted,
as reason was smothered and good sense diluted.

So reap your cruel harvest. What fate is now serving
is certainly what you have long been deserving.
So you’ll sit at the table until you’ve diminished
the junk on your plate, and once you have finished,

please clean up the beaches and oceans and air,
for the evils you’ve planted have spread everywhere.
You’ll sit at that table until you confess
your part in creating this terrible mess! 

Pull your chair to the table and eat ’til you choke.
The evils you’ve done are more than a joke.
The fruits of your labor have made a vile stew.
Please forgive us if we refuse dining with you!!!

 

Words of the day are harvest, despondent, benevolent, behest and difference. Image by Joyce Romero on Unsplash.

 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

20 Replies

flying-heart

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

If you want my love, dear, you’ve got to give me space.
Love’s so much more likely when not always face-to-face.
Even the paranormal works better when the fright
occurs when not expected instead of every night.

That familiarity breeds contempt is not, dear, mere codswallop!
Love is more exciting when taken as a dollop.
How many great love stories were romantic interlude—
those long-remembered periods when we were briefly wooed?

Love can be a lifelong trip or one terrific bash
where two bodies crash together and then burn away to ash.
The bodies that are left to us may then be wooed and married,
the memory of past flaming passions sealed away and buried.

But in a vault within us, those past interludes are kept,
and now and then the present they are bound to intercept.
They do not rival constancy—that lasting love or marriage
that is the coach that carries us. They’re just the undercarriage.

But that daily diet that regularly nourishes
cannot but be improved upon with a few spicy flourishes.
Like an appetite that grows the stronger with the fasting,
love delayed may well make even married love more lasting.

 

Just for the fun of it this time, I decided to look up one prompt word at a time and write a couplet that contained it before looking up the next word, then do the same each time. So much fun. I always say I rarely know where a poem is going until I finish it, but this time is the proof of it! I didn’t know from couplet to couplet where it was going.

Sam found THIS POEM that bears a remarkable resemblance to the poem above. I guess when I start repeating myself, it is time to stop. I had no memory of writing this poem. Guess it is time to start worrying as well.

Words of the day are space, paranormal, codswallop, interlude and crash.

Cowboy Kiss-Off

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Cowboy Kiss-Off

As the years go by, my dear, it is more obvious that
you’re about as useful as this bobble on my hat.
Your eye has turned to roving and you’re out most every night.
Anger’s the main emotion that you’re able to incite.

You’ve forfeited my trust. You are taking me for granted.
You find me just as tasty as a wine that’s been decanted
for so long that it has molded and started to go sour.
Once put upon a pedestal, I’ve  fallen from my tower.

Once you thought domesticity was like a field of clover,
whereas it’s obvious now that you would rather be a rover.
So best that you be off. The sooner gone would be just fine.
Your stuff is in this bag. As you recall, the ranch is mine!!

 

Other prompts for the day are bobble and trust.

 

Hard Drive

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The year is 2100, and my computer’s dusty hard drive has just resurfaced at an antique store. This is a note to the curious buyer explaining what he or she will find inside.

Hard Drive

If you long for mystery,
poems, facts and history,
long perambulations
and wild exaggerations,
recipes and letters and
episodes of Homeland,
Elementary, Sherlock, Friends,
a blogging site that never ends,
Emails, Youtube, Facebook notes,
starts of novels, copied quotes,
OkCupid pictures of
possibilities for love,
notes from nice guys, threats from creeps,
notes from guys who play for keeps,
friends who only write when drunk,
chain e-mails, jokes and other junk,
two hundred drafts  of my third book,
(each one different, have a look),
kids stories and their illustrations,
the Christmas plans of my relations,
photographs of my whole life—
its happiness and pain and strife—
some successes but also follies:
fireworks, insects, gardens, dollies,
travel snaps and friendly faces,
rooms at home or foreign places,
birds and children, beaches, skies,
the  camera lens is true and wise
and not as given to fraud and lies
as writings filtered through the eyes
of one who feels the joys or pains
of what she witnesses, then refrains
from trying to change her reader’s mind
to accord with the type or kind
of thoughts she carries deep inside:
pride’s cutting edge, love’s waning tide—
then read this hard drive if you dare,
but if you fear a life laid bare,
I have one word for you. Beware.

 

For dVerse Poets Pub Open Link Night

Visiting Grandma

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Visiting Grandma

If you must go on an escapade, be sure to take umbrellas.
Do not talk to strangers and do not flirt with fellas.
Why put on all that makeup? Your natural look is best.
Why would you wear a bustier when you could wear a vest?

Pick locales you know are safe. Just go to ones near churches.
Beware of stuff that falls from planes and pigeons on tall perches.
You may think your gallivanting is the stuff of dreams,
but the world of adventure is not all that it seems.

Why not choose daylight hours to see what you can see
and once the sun sets, stay at home, here with gramps and me?
I’ll make a pan of fudge and then we can play Parcheesi.
This town’s not nice at night. It’s very dark and way too breezy.

But if you simply must go out, mind the bottom stair.
Is that funny little outfit the one you’re going to wear?
Put toilet paper on the seat when you use the loo!
A key? Oh, you won’t need one.  We’ll be waiting up for you.

Prompt words today are umbrella, escapade, dream, locale and natural.

Kleptoparasitic Tendencies

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Kleptoparasitic Tendencies

At first sight of the sperm whales, the fishermen all cringe,
for these felons of the ocean loiter on the fringe,
and when they hear the motors hauling in  the lines,
each poacher dives to steal the fish, hook after hook, and dines.
The perils of the ocean include gale-force wind and rain,
but this larceny of sperm whales is the larger pain.

 

To see sperm whales targeting fishing boats for an easy meal, go HERE.

Prompt words for the day are fringe, rain, first, felon and fish.