Category Archives: Humorous Rhymes

Sinning Lessons

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Sinning Lessons

I am a paragon of virtue. I have no other choice.
I do not have a figure.  I have no sultry voice.
I’ve no talent at kissing. The boys leave me alone.
I have no lovers calling me nightly on the phone.

I get my thrills from scripture. I embroider and I tat.
The creature that I cuddle with is an old grey cat.
Sometimes virtue’s chosen, but it isn’t so with me.
I’d rather spend my weekend nights on some feller’s knee.

But it isn’t in the cards. It’s just my Ma and me.
I guess I’ll just be buttoned up instead of brash and free.
My ma found a new hired man. He isn’t very tall.
A moustache but no muscles. Not swashbuckling at all.

But he has a good strong back. He carries water for me.
And for reasons I can’t fathom, he seems to adore me.
It’s one morning in the cow barn, milking Bossie, that I miss
the bucket with the milk stream when the hired man plants a kiss

on my neck as I bend over. It makes that old cat’s day.
He opens up his mouth and drinks as I just dream and sway
then turn to open my mouth, too, and see how kisses feel
when they are given mouth-to-mouth. It makes me almost reel.

But Hank the hired man catches me, sets me straight again,
and that’s the starting of my life as a paragon of sin!
Sinning’s not so bad at all. You can’t believe the preacher.
And it’s not so hard to do when you have a teacher.

Lessons started in the milking barn but ended in the loft.
The hired man got handsomer as he took his clothing off.
I think he liked me better, too, when I was in the buff 
for no matter how much more I showed, it never seemed enough.

We had a lovely time up there, the hired man and me.
As testament, now seven kids cluster round my knee.
The hired man’s beside me. As I sit and hold his hand,
he runs his fingers back and forth across my wedding band.

The old gray cat’s still happy, for sometimes he still gets lucky
when I’m distracted in the milking ’cause my husband’s feeling plucky.
Married life is lovely. We’re happy, him and me.
We are paragons of loving for perpetuity. 

 

The prompt today is “paragon.”

Miss(ed) Popularity

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Miss(ed) Popularity

Her inflated ego received its puncture
just precisely at the juncture
of her ego colliding with
the truth that contradicted myth.

That she was hot was not debated—
just whether she was educated,
for it was clear to any fool
mere heat does not determine cool.

 

The prompt today was “punctured.”

About that picture. I was walking along the shore and saw a man sitting in this chair drinking a margarita.  “That’s the life,” I said to him and at this point he got up, offered the chair to me and gave me his margarita.  With the other hand he took the camera from me to snap this photo.  As he did, this woman came out of the ocean and posed in front of me.  I swear this was not set up–at least by me!!!

There is a rear view I will spare your from.  Well, what the heck.  Why spare you from anything?

 

Attracting Notice

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Attracting Notice

Where she should  bulge, she seems to taper,
so when her tailor sought to drape her,
he had to stuff with rags and paper
in an attempt to reshape her.
But alas, this futile caper
ended with not a singe gaper.

The word prompt today was taper.

Full Volume

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(Click on first photo to enlarge all.)

 

Full Volume

I hear my neighbor’s fighting cocks crow into the night,
expressing their readiness for tomorrow’s fight.
There are always noises cutting through the dark.
I hear the donkey’s braying and the dog’s loud bark.

Some neighborhood weekend party goes on ’til four or five,
expressing at great volume that they’re glad to be alive.
The singing and the music and the fireworks exploding
that sometimes make me feel as though my head may be imploding.

The church bells in the village every quarter hour declaring,
trucks advancing street by street, loudspeakers rudely blaring.
One truck selling vegetables, another selling gas,
shouting out their wares to everyone they pass.

Others selling water or cooking oil or soap,
scrub brushes or sponges, plastic buckets or rope—
Motorcycles without mufflers roaring down the street
revving up their motors for every friend they meet.

Bandas in the plaza play at a decibel
that I swear could raise the bats straight up out of Hell.
Mexico isn’t subtle. It’s bright and bold and proud.
That’s why for everything in Mexico, the volume’s turned up LOUD!!!!

 

 

The prompt word was volume.

Big Spender

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Big Spender

If a kiss were legal tender
I know those of either gender
who in the midst of a big bender
would be labeled a big spender.
And though they’re comely, fit and slender,
and may have many a staunch defender,
if I’m looking for a lender,
I’d prefer a less-used vendor.

 

The prompt today is “tender.”

Outspoken

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Outspoken

When you tell your truths en masse,
what you may choose to see as brass
others might perceive as crass.
You may think you’re just a truthful lassie,
but what to you is cute and sassy,
the rest of us consider gassy!
Sometimes, just let the impulse pass.
You’ll be less of a horse’s ass!

 

 

The prompt word today was “brassy.”

The Reveal

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The Reveal

Even when she’s in the buff,
he feels she’s not revealed enough.
He wants to know her heart and soul—
to know her entire being, his goal.
But, alas, she cannot do it.
If she does, she knows she’ll rue it.
Much as she loves a certain sir,
there is a certain part of her
that must remain a mystery.
For in this maiden’s history
are other suitors it behooved
to have her secrets all removed.
But when she revealed it all,
one by one, they did not call.
And thus she learned a maiden’s rule:
Men are fickle. Men are cruel.
Lest you be put up on a shelf,
keep parts of you safe in your self.
To keep him interested in your stuff,
Most of you is just enough.

 

 

 

The prompt today was “buff.”

Parsing Warshington

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Translation: “Donald, we are watching you!”  jdb photo, solidarity march, La Manzanilla, MX


Parsing Warshington

Politics became a farce
the year that voting brains were sparse
and we elected that damn narc-
issistic, cretinous horse’s arse!!
It’s clear we couldn’t have chosen warse!!!!

The prompt today was “farce.”

Hospitality House

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Hospitality House

The housesitter I met was really a dear
but the friend she invited was not, so I hear
from the neighbors awakened by shouting at three
who related the details later to me.
The spare dog left over when they departed
was sweet but destructive. He barked and he farted.
He fell off my roof and he swims in my pool,
so I gated the roof for I am no one’s fool.
Built pool steps so he could exit with ease,
but I’m also allergic so I cough and I sneeze.
Three dogs were too much so I built them a room,
replaced all the chewed up books, beds and broom.
She broke my best dish and her guy was a louse,
so though dogs are welcome here in my house,
humans are on trial. If their actions are needless,
no more invitations go out to the heedless!


To be fair, this poem is an amalgam of several different housesitters, and I’ve had some good ones as well, so don’t be insulted if you were one of the good’uns!!!

The prompt was “hospitality.”

Sad News for the Bearded Lady

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Sad News for the Bearded Lady

That your girlish form is rather cute
is not a fact we would dispute;
and though you’re held in good repute,
yet every male’s lack of  pursuit
from callow youth to crusty coot
is a subject that is moot.
The men would be more resolute—
more determined to press their suit—
if only you were less hirsute!

The prompt today was “pursue.”