Category Archives: Humor

Heavenly Retirement

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Heavenly Retirement

She was the center of attention, a magical surprise.
She rivaled Cleopatra both in manner and in guise.
Her courtiers all fumbled in their desire to please her.
Her courters milled and tumbled in their urgent need to squeeze her.
For she knew well the subterfuge of makeup and of dressing
to keep all of her paramours both interested and guessing.

A masterpiece of camouflage, she dressed to win their favor—
the cynosure of attention who changed in age and flavor
from audience to audience—one day serene and regal,
the next day fluffy as whipped cream, appearing barely legal.
She kept admirers captive for so many years
that she outlived all her children and outlived all her peers.

But when at last she succumbed to inevitable fate,
making her grand entrance through that pearly gate,
all the hosts of heaven bowed down to all her glory
having no idea how wrinkled and how gory
she was beneath her raiment and the mask that met their eyes.
It was only the next morning that they saw through her disguise.

For alas, on trips to heaven, carry-ons are not allowed
and responsibility for checked bags disavowed.
So she arrived without her makeup, her wigs and all the stuff
she’d used throughout her lifetime to powder, paint and buff
herself to fine perfection. Without her wigs and clothes,
she had no other choice except to finally disclose

that she was just the girl next door—albeit so much older—
her visage creased and wrinkled, stooped over at the shoulder.
Her breasts were much deflated and her color merely sallow.
Without the false eyelashes, her eyes were strangely shallow.
And as she looked into the mirror, she finally faced the facts.
She could sink into her rocking chair and finally relax!

 

The prompt words today are fumble, magical, masterpiece and cynosure. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/rdp-thursday-fumble/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/12/13/fowc-with-fandango-magical/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/masterpiece/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/13/your-daily-word-prompt-cynosure-December-13-2018/

Coterie

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Coterie

Are you in my coterie or am I in thine?
I’d find it much more stimulating if you were in mine.
If I’m the leader of the pack, the one who’s picked to shine,
I admit, my friend, that I would find it most divine.

When folks pulled out their cameras, I would stand in the center.
At every social gathering, I’d be the first to enter.
I’d be the first to order when our group went out to dine.
I’d have  prime place at table. I’d get to choose the wine.

It would become tradition that I would be the star.
All the handsomest of men would eye me from afar.
But after this conjecturing, of course I could be wrong.
If I am in your coterie, I’d only tag along!

 

The prompt words today are coterie (love that word,) camera, stimulating and tradition. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/12/12/rdp-wednesday-coterie/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/12/12/fowc-with-fandango-camera/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/12/12/stimulating/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/12/your-daily-word-prompt-tradition-December-12-2018/

 

Born Lazy

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Born Lazy

You can have your tennis, your jogging, golf and hiking.
I’d rather spend time coasting while other souls are biking.

You’ll never find my name in the record books of Guinness,
for I don’t excel at basketball or badminton or tennis.

Somehow, nature slighted me when it came to “gameness.”
When asked to participate, I simulate my lameness.

I guess I was born lazy. I simply love my bed.
I pretend not to hear it when the cat yowls to be fed.

When duty calls, I plug my ears and happily roll over.
I find it is more comfortable here in beds of clover.

Eavesdropping

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If you use Skype, chances are you’ve been as irritated as I was when it automatically updated me to a feature that suggests responses and emojis to use to answer written messages others have left for you. Since this is how I usually use it instead of visiting orally with visuals, it can be especially off-putting.  I finally figured out how to turn the feature off, but forgottenman hasn’t and a few minutes ago, I received this message from him.  I had just left him this message:

Judy: Gotta close my eyes now.. the sun is shinin so brightly through the drapes that it blinded me. Can’t see to type…

This is the message I received back from him:

forgottenman: Weird – one of Skype’s suggested responses to your last msg is “What song is that?”.

Judy: I guess I must must have a naturally lyrical mode of speech.  Ha!!!

Lucky at Languages, Unlucky at Love

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Image from freeimages.com            

This poem is pretty silly, but I like the challenge of using only one rhyme for an entire poem. More of a puzzle than anything else.

Lucky at Languages, Unlucky at Love

The night was warm and balmy and he was a man in uniform.
She was adept at languages from French to Greek to Cuneiform.
They met one balmy evening on the Eiffel Tower.
He aided her in climbing, then offered her a flower.
She thanked him first in French and when it drew a puzzled glance,
she surmised he must be from a place other than France.
She tried again in English, in Spanish and in Greek.
She would have tried her Chinese, but her Mandarin was weak.
She pointed to his medals, his ribbons and his bars—
all his decorations. She counted all his stars,
but could not find the language to express admiration.
And thus the evening ended, I fear in consternation.
The moral of the story? Put your horse before the cart. 
It’s best to know love’s language before you give your heart.

 

The prompts today were uniform and balmy. Here are the links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/12/03/rdp-monday-uniform/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/12/03/balmy/

The Doldrums

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The Doldrums

Please pardon my annoyance and don’t mind my chagrin—
my great dissatisfaction with the mindset that I’m in.
All the former methods that could cause me to exult:
first prayer and then Buscaglia, pot and the occult,
no longer serve this purpose. I am left here cold and rigid.
My fires of enthusiasm have, I fear, gone frigid.
Yet I think I deserve credit, at least, for still resisting
temptation just to end it all. At least, I’m still existing.


Note: It’s fiction, folks. I’m feeling fine!!! So is Forgottenman. He’s just too much of a clown and affords too many photo opportunities that later come in handy for illustrative purposes. Blame the prompts.

The prompt words today are exult, frigid, credit and chagrin. Here are the links:
https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/12/01/rdp-saturday-exult/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/12/01/your-daily-word-prompt-frigid-December-1-2018/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/12/01/fowc-with-fandango-credit/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/12/01/chagrin/

New Boss

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New Boss

Lately, the ladies room at work echoes with gripes and sobs
and we’re checking out the classifieds for new potential jobs.
Our boss’s son is our new boss and though he has his genes,
he doesn’t seem to have his heart. He treats us like machines.
And even though his resume may brand him as auspicious,
our office staff is feeling rather doleful and suspicious.
It’s his frosty cold demeanor that has us feeling lost.
If only he’d thaw out, we’d be more willing to be bossed!

 

The prompts today are frost, classified, doleful and suspicious. Here are the links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/11/30/rdp-friday-frost/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/11/30/fowc-with-fandango-classified/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/11/30/doleful/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/11/30/your-daily-word-prompt-suspicious-November-30-2018/

Skipping out on Christmas

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Skipping out on Christmas

Who cares if it is dark and dismal
and the weather is abysmal.
Why don’t we leave and take a walk.
We need to have a little talk.
If we’re lucky we might get lost
in this weather tempest-tossed
and have to find a little pub
to loft a glass and eat some grub.

Sure, at home the food is free,
but at home is also family!
Grandpa’s drunk and Grandma’s scolding.
Mother’s busy triple-folding
napkins into Christmas trees
and worrying Aunt Beck will sneeze
into the cranberries again,
‘cuz bird without them is a sin.

The kids are wrestling and biting,
as usual, their acts inciting
scolding mother, shouting father.
I always wonder why they bother
to gather every  holiday?
Once all the tawdry facts I weigh,
I wonder why they come together
every year, despite the weather.

So come on. Put your muffler on.
They’ll barely notice that we’re gone.
We won’t be yelled at, questioned, bossed.
I’ll pay the bill, whate’er the cost.
I need that extra Christmas cheer
that can be purchased beer by beer,
as we ponder that conundrum dumb
of why, each year, we also come!

Here are the prompt words and links:

https://ragtagcommunity.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/rdp-tuesday-walk/
https://fivedotoh.com/2018/11/27/fowc-with-fandango-leave/
https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/dismal/
https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/your-daily-word-prompt-lost-November-27-2018/

 

Happiness???

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A few days ago I wrote a poem on my blog entitled “Black Friday.”  This creative animated film by Steve Cutts so perfectly illustrates it that I had to share it with you. Really inventive and indicative of our modern world.

 

Turkey Talk

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jdb photo, 2017


Turkey Talk

All day long, I gobble gobble.
Strut my stuff over the cobble
proud and straight, without a wobble,
until a man comes with a hobble.
I’d tell the rest if I were able,
Instead, I’m laid out on your table!

Want to hear some more turkey talk? Go HERE.

 

Matt’s prompt today was “Turkey Talk.”