Category Archives: humorous poem

Parting Manifesto

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Parting Manifesto

All the reasons you have vetted
(reasons I should feel indebted)
are reasons that I question, so,
I can’t accept your tales of woe.

Those monstrous acts you say I’ve done?
It is a fact that I’ve done none.
And all the things you say you’ve bought?
The fact is that I bought the lot!

Your bags are packed and by the door.
Load up that sports car you adore
and take yourself right down the road.
I’m closing up the mother lode!

For, though I’ll miss our hugs and smooching,
I won’t miss your constant mooching.
It’s time you joined the teeming mob,
got off your keister and got a job!!!!


Prompt words today are question, indebted, monstrous, like.

 

 

 

Christmas: A New Rendition

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Christmas: A New Rendition

That the papers had a field day is totally explicable,
“Santa Stuck in the Chimney and for Hours Inextricable!”
So now he’s on a diet. No more cookies, no more milk.
He’s restricted to mere salads and others of their ilk.

He’s feeling way less boisterous. No more “Ho ho ho’s!”
So there’ll be fewer miracles in our stockings’ toes.
That year the Grinch stole Christmas  just might  be repeated
and socks hung on the mantel might have to be re-feeted.

Prompt words today are field day, inextricable, fireplace, boisterous, miracle and rendition.

Mosquito Bump Blues

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Mosquito Bump Blues

This strain of mosquito is so sanctimonious
because it claims its droning is indeed harmonious.
According to their drone master, they drone in harmony
depending on their sting site: ear or arm or knee!

They’re trying to get a copyright on harmonies they’ve written
according to locations simultaneously bitten,
but alas they don’t write music so they cannot win the rights
to music just recorded by the pattern of their bites!

Prompt words today are mosquito, strain, sanctimonious, according, copyright.  Image by Jimmy Chan on Pexel.

Disgruntled

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Disgruntled

When I try to crack the whip and get the world in line,
somehow it turns fractious and starts to buck and whine.
Electrons turn to protons and refuse to whirl about.
The sun refuses to come out and stays inside to pout.

Berries stain my shirt front and seeds stick in my teeth.
Feral felines storm my bed and find solace beneath.
Friends offer consolation that is but a token.
There is little impact in the words that they have spoken.

If only things would go the way I’ve formed them in my mind,
there would be fewer problems in his daily grind;
but the world won’t listen and goes about its day
with very little interest in what I have to say.

No one will believe me when I say that I’ve evolved
to the point where the world’s problems I have mainly solved.
They go about their business like before I came along,
doing things without me and doing most things wrong.

They prefer those idiots who have run the Earth
slowly bleeding all of us as they increased their girth.
So until the world at large decides to meet my terms
and decide to love me, I guess I’ll go eat worms!!!!

Prompt words today are electron, token, fractious, impact, stain. I know I need a new disgruntled photo as I’ve maybe overused this one, but it’s a busy day and  this one just seems to work, so….

Seasonal Bribery

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Seasonal Bribery

Santa’s elves are in the workshop wrapping caramel kisses
to put in the stockings of little boys and misses
whose lofty thoughts are centered on baseball gloves and dolls—
hopes whispered into Santa’s ear in numerous city malls.

But my premonition is that though your needs are captivating, 
there’s a likely chance that Santa’s been equivocating
about giving you the puppy that you’ve been asking for
every day and every night for a year or more.

I’ve heard Santa’s considering the possibility
that you might be lacking in responsibility.
Would you fill his food bowl and pick up puppy poop?
Would you train him not to raid the chicken coop?

Everything about a puppy is not cute and nice.
He might bring you baby birds or even wiggling mice!
Tear up favorite clothes you leave upon the floor,
chew up all your Barbie dolls and Teddy bears and more.

You’d have to learn to clean your room and put your things on shelves—
all the things observed by Santa and his elves.
Do your chores the first time requested by your mother.
If you can’t do your present chores, could you handle another?

It’s not too late to change your ways. Come help to dry the dishes.
Santa might be watching and decide to meet your wishes.
You have another month or two in which you could grow up
enough so you can handle caring for a pup!!!

Prompts today are caramel, workshop, premonition, lofty, responsibility, captivating.

Monolingual

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Monolingual

Your language is not plain enough.
I do not get this “jibbing” stuff.
It angers me to have to look
these sailing terms up in a book.
Perhaps you are too lofty for
a small town landlocked jungle girl?

Prompt words today are jib, plain, anger, lofty, jungle.

Just for the fun of it, I wrote this poem line-by-line as I looked up the new prompt word without knowing what the next one was. I sort of got led down the proverbial password path!

Open to Doubt (The Breakfast Caper)

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Waffle

Open to Doubt
(The Breakfast Caper)

Your dubitable alibi concerning the French toast
that vanished when I turned my back to play the perfect host
and pour you one more coffee is hard for me to swallow
That the kitten snatched it simply doesn’t follow.

The rhythm of your fingernails moving on the table
betrays your anxiety concerning your small fable.
The kitten looks so innocent and you’re the one that’s doing
all that heavy swallowing and that excessive chewing.

When I served the French toast, I made sure to give you four,
and give myself two slices, because I had no more.
So, to steal my slices was surely in poor taste,
not to mention how you might have choked in all your haste.

So, while I’m cooking me a waffle and pouring me the dregs
of this pot of coffee, please don’t commandeer my eggs!
I find your manners lacking and your ethics purely awful,
but if you lay off my breakfast, I’ll cook you your own waffle!

 

Prompt words today are moving, anxiety, alibi, dubitable, rhythm and French toast. (Images from Unsplash.)

Grandpa’s Stories

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Grandpa’s Stories

She smelled of gin and jasmine and was a lovely sight,
with her intricate maneuvers as she engineered her flight
out the back door of the restaurant and then over the hill
to escape the sure appearance of her dinner bill.
The leadership of angels led me on my quest
to pursue over hill and dale with muffler and with vest,

for it was a winter evening, swathed in ice and frost,
and I feared that she would freeze or at the very least, get lost.
When I found her in the forest, I offered her the garment,
told her that I’d paid her bill and kicked the snarling varmint
that dashed at her from bushes, and therefore saved her life
and that is how I came to meet up with my wife!

I’ve guarded her from varmints and paid her bills since then,
kept her warm and safe and supplied her with her gin.
You know her now as Grannie, old and soft and pale,
but you should know your grandma was not always so frail.
When you go out partying, feeling wild and free,
those are traits you got from her, and certainly not me!!!

Prompt words today are frost, offer, leadership, intricate, bill and jasmine. I never knew either of my grandpas, but if I had, I hope they would have told silly stories like this one!!

Elefante

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Elefante

In spite of the excrescence on my spaniel’s snout,
he seems to have no problem in sniffing danger out.

When he has an inkling that a cougar or a bear
is within a mile of us, his nose extraordinaire

indicates a warning with a sniff and then a snort,
signaling that it would be a good time to abort

previous plans in order for me to begin musing
about a route more suitable for less dangerous cruising.

He’s a canine Dustin Hoffman or a man’s best friend Durante,
so excessive in proboscis that I’ve named him “Elefante.”

A prince of nasal warning, he’s the hero of my life,
so I’d never dream of yielding him to the surgeon’s knife,

for unlike other species, dogs are not subject to vanity—
another indication of the extent of their sanity.

 

Prompt words today are *excrescence, dangerous, musing, inkling, prince and responsible. *An excrescence is a distinct outgrowth on a human or animal body or on a plant, especially one that is the result of disease or abnormality. As you might have guessed, “elefante” is Spanish for elephant. Image from Unsplash.

Speed Dating

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Speed Dating

Leaning on the table, you taste your glass of wine,
enact acts of seduction that in truth should have been mine.
Your fingers on my elbow tap a light tattoo.
High on wine and romance, I lean over to kiss you,
but this invigorating juncture ends before we’re able
as the bell sounds and each of us is off to a new table.

Prompt words are leaning, wine, invigorating, enact, tattoo, high. Image by Jiawei Zhao on Unsplash.