Category Archives: Humor

Love’s Meander

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Love’s Meander

In those first months of its success,
when first love starts to evanesce,
we flounder in its first excesses,
never guessing what the stresses
are that love will soon let loose–
when the gander feels the noose
and in his imagination
conjures up a short vacation
wherein he is free to wander
here and there and over yonder
to see what other lovebirds might
desire to feel his loving bite.
Needless to say, his sudden bolt
may give his present love a jolt,
and when he chooses to meander,
what cooks the goose may burn the gander!

Word prompts today are bolt, lovebirds, goose, evanesce and imagination. Photo by James Wainscoat on Unsplash. Used with permission.

This is Wonderful!! Not about Surfing…

Not My Day So Far!!! May 31, 2020

 

It’s Sunday, and the only day of the week where I don’t have a minimum of three men here working. I should have known when one of the cats woke me up by biting my toe. I’d spent a night of sleep with no disturbances. No leg or foot cramps, no trips to the bathroom, no shortness of breath where I had to get up and sit up on the divan all night to breathe, as had happened Friday night. I got up to let them out and on my way back to bed, I noticed the goose down pillow I’d left on the couch during my last sleepless night. It was soaking wet! All the way through! It had rained the night before and I wondered if the dome skylight was leaking once again, but when I got within a foot of it, I could smell the rank stench of cat urine!!!! This had happened only once before in my 19 years of living with cats in Mexico and I had attributed it to Annie’s age when I came out one morning and found my $1,000 artisan quilt soaked in urine. But now that Annie is gone, her reputation is expunged. It was one of the young cats who was responsible. That does it. No more cats in the house!!!

My problems, however, were just beginning. The entrance to my laundry room is on the outside of my house, so I unlocked my bedroom door, opened the outside gate, tried to unlock the laundry room door, and no go! The door has a double lock—a regular one plus a deadbolt. Someone had not fastened the latches that hold the double doors in place, and when those latches are not shut, there is no way to get the deadbolt open! In the past, I’d had to call a locksmith to get the door open when Yolanda had neglected to fasten the manual bar latches, but it was Sunday and my arms were full of a urine-soaked down pillow—my favorite, I may add.

Back to the house and the shower, where I stripped two pillowcases off (so that’s where the matching pillowcase has been all these months) and began the job of soaking, expunging the air, soaping, wetting.  I rinsed out the pillow slips again and again in the sink under running water as the drain plug doesn’t close. (Another story.) Then, I started pouring white vinegar, as unfortunately the animal urine remover was in the locked laundry room.

The pillow, which I had soaked in a huge metal bowl in the shower, was now inflated to the size of a balloon and I realized there was no way I was going to get this dealt with without a washer and dryer, so I called Pasiano, who lives just two blocks away. He is the solver of most of my household problems and might know the secret of the locked laundry room. Often he goes to Guadalajara on weekends to visit family, but I was in luck. No, he wasn’t at home, but he was in San Juan Cosala, a small nearby village, and he’d be here in 15 minutes.

Long story short, he arrived, the pillow cases and pillow are in the washer on long cycle, and I am about to check out the leather sofa. I detect no odors, but when I bend over to check, I see the rainforest frog hand-fashioned of raw latex that normally sits on the coffee table in front of the divan on the floor along with a Oaxacan  handwoven mat it usually sat on. Obviously, the cats had staged one of their marathon chases before one celebrated by peeing on my favorite pillow!

It was on my trip back out to set the pillow and cases for their second cycle that I noticed first the bobble-head figure, formerly in a row on a shelf above the bed, lying on the floor on top of the scrunched-up Oaxacan carpet. Now minus one leg, it lay where it had come to rest after what I can imagine was a soccer match between the cats. I pick it up and restore the other bobble-heads to their former order, but this little bull will not march again until I provide the necessary prosthetic. I unlock the bedroom door and move out to the patio, where I for the first time notice the wall that the young man who repaired my  broken pipe had re-concreted.  He had done a horrible job. The natural curve of the wall had not been followed, the concrete was messy and unsmooth, and it generally looked like the job of an amateur. My contractor had promised to come out the day before and inspect the work of the young man but he’d let me down for the second time. He assures me it won’t be too late to redo the work on Monday and that he’ll send a different man, but hard for me to accept that concrete won’t be easier to remove 24 hours after it has been put in place than 48 hours.  I’d go down to the hammock to console myself in nature, but unfortunately, my hammock ripped down the middle yesterday. The cats are yowling indignantly at the door to be let in. Nope. Not my day.
This is perhaps the mood they were in when they created the damage below:

McDonald Duck and Friends

 

McDonald Duck and Friends

I know a certain Donald— a king of pass the buck
who to leadership is much less suited than that duck
with whom he shares a name but whose smarts and application
far exceed the POTUS who prefers a golf vacation
to tending to affairs of state except to prompt aggression,
medical misinformation, racism, secession
in order to create a place where he would be the King
relieving congress and the courts from every single thing.

He’d sit up in his tower once the senate had resigned,
ruling at his leisure far above the daily grind,
digressing into fun and games—a golf game, maybe two,
stopping in for French fries and big Macs with extra goo.
He’d sit upon his golden thrown waiting for his bribes
to be delivered daily from his well-heeled tribes.
Courts would not be needed, for guns would rule the day,
trading in extortion in lieu of legal pay.

Let the country go to hell so long as billionaires
go on stockpiling more cash to soothe away their cares.

 

Word prompts today are leadership, resign, duck, digress and application. photo by Amir Abbas Abdolali on  Unsplash. Used with permission.

Floral Retribution

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Floral Retribution 

I slink into the plant place and snag a tub of roses—
the kind that is an irritant to weepy eyes and noses.
I could have sent her chocolates, could have brought her fruit,
magazines or houseplants or other sick-room loot;
but she’s such a social-climber, such a diamond Deb
that she won’t even socialize with old friends on the Web.

She has her chi-chi social circle—stylish, rich and arty,
so cannot bother to attend her best friend’s birthday party.
Yet when she breaks her leg and is in need of a diversion,
her new friends stay away as though they have a mass aversion
to hospitals and folks who do not share complete perfection.
In short, her newest “besties” stage the ultimate defection.

And thus it is her old friends that she calls to cheer her day,
forgetting that she is the one who threw us all away.
So when I come into her room and hear her cough and wheeze,
I’ll just withdraw with card and gift and my apologies.
She needs no further problems added to her maladies.
It’s been so long that I forgot about her allergies!

Prompt Words for today are snag, tub, rose, slink and fruit.

Sixteen

Sixteen

She met him at the harvest dance.
An act of fate, they met by chance.
The very first grown man she kissed,
he was a traveling journalist,
and she had barely got love’s gist
when he vanished in the mist.
For reference, she had not any.
She had not made love with many
and those she’d had were only boys,
as unacquainted with the joys
of mature love as she had been,
for they were only kids, not men.

She found it tedious at best
to spoon with any of the rest,
and yet she tried, and kept a list
in which she rated and she dissed
those teenage lovers that were left
once journalism left her bereft
of seasoned lover who had pleased her
whereas all the rest just squeezed her
wrong, somehow. They smacked and cuddled,
yet, somehow, they all just muddled
what she’d had occasion once, perchance,
to experience at the harvest dance.

She finally devised a plot
wherein she could improve her lot.
She’d do a deed of much renown
to draw her lover back to town.
And this is why she planned the prank
wherein she would rob the bank.
Of course she’d send the money back.
The larcenous gene she seemed to lack,
but this would create so much news
that she was fairly sure he’d choose
to come investigate the crime,
and that would be the perfect time
to improve her skills of woo.
He’d be her prey and she’d count coup.

For a week, her schemes just perked.
She watched and waited, planned and lurked

watching for the perfect time 
to enact her lovelorn crime.
And, finally, the time seemed good.

She donned a long-armed cloak with hood,
took her daddy’s gun and, masked,
said “Stick ’em up” when she was asked
if she was seeking to deposit,
distressing her, it seems, because it
seemed to  cause so little pause,
from the teller, perhaps because

the teller, who was also masked,
gave her a sucker before she asked
what transaction she might mean
to request on this Halloween!

And so it was the plot was foiled.
By mistiming, her plans were spoiled.
She abandoned larceny
and resumed her tomfoolery
with the local high school boys
wherein they all discovered joys
by practice to bring that surcease
she’d sought to learn by expertise.

 

Prompt words for today are journalist, reference,  tedious, list and pleased.

Fourteen Minute Challenge

Ever played a word in Scrabble that you didn’t know the meaning of? They acknowledged it as a word but you hadn’t the foggiest? This happened to me a short while ago. The word was siriasis and extra points to you if you know what it means. Quadruple points if you can write a poem making use of it within the next 14 minutes. Here is my 14 minute poem:

 

Rainy Day Reminder

You rue those rainy nights and days
when everything is in a haze
and you cannot go out the door
without whiffing petrichor.
Your hair is soggy, face too ruddy,
raincoat sodden, rain boots muddy.
And suffering from all this damping,
girls are in no mood for vamping.
It’s hard to flirt, I must confess,
when one is such a dripping mess.
But consider now the opposite.
When all day in the sun you sit,
you’ll never find men making passes
at girls who suffer siriasis!

 

(To save you the bother of your looking it up,  siriasis means sunstroke, but it was Bushboy who gave me a hint that led me to investigate the very interesting Australian origins of the word petrichor.)

POTUS

POTUS

He’s just a phase in history, but when will this phase end?
The whole world’s breath is being held. When will he round the bend?
As he jogs on in his next race, we wish that it were ended.
Surely as he gains in girth, he must be getting winded!
Yet our domestic maniac goes on planning his crazies.
The world will not be sane again ’til he’s pushing up daisies!

 

Word prompts for the day are domestic, maniac, history and phase. Image by Visuals on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Bunglery at the Ritz Apartments

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Bunglery at the Ritz Apartments

We’re making the assumption that this ritzy part of town
is the perfect place for our next heist to go down.
Jimmy has it in his noggin that we’ve gotta hit the best,
so it should be the penthouse. We should forget all the rest.
But I think he’s a blockhead. We should choose another floor.
Penthouses have alarms in every room, on every door. 
So we settle on the first floor,  but still wind up in jail,
and I’m in here for the long term ’cause I cannot meet my bail.
The docs have sewn up gashes on my arm and my left calf,
but my wounds don’t equal Jimmy’s, not even by a half
And when he pays his own bail, he tells me,”Go to the Devil.”
I forgot folks with the biggest dogs live on the lowest level.

Prompt words for today are settle, block, noggin, heist and assumption.

Photo by Daniel Lincoln on Unsplash. Used with permission.

Reconnaissance

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash, used with permission

Reconnaissance

Enter our shell-shocked hero, all his battles won.
His glorious sorties over, his service finally done.
The stash he found cathartic? He stole it from his son.
Exulting in this final raid, he thought he’d have some fun.

He only took a bit of it. Each day he took some more.
He chewed the bag a little bit, as though to make a door.
He saw his son’s perplexity, searching through the house.
Had a rat made off with it? Could it have been a mouse?

He found his son’s new hiding places—where he had been loitering,
making use of thirty years of army reconnoitering.
The freezer in the garage, a tea tin in the drain.
What enemy made raids into such difficult terrain?

His son could believe sorties over mountaintop and ridge,
but how might a mouse invade a freezer or a fridge?
This mystery went unsolved for at least a decade more,
at which point it was finally told and became family lore.

How his father returned home, fatigued by years of war
and found relief from raiding his teenager’s secret store.
And how these retirement maneuvers against his puzzled son
helped salve the scars of battle with a little fun.

Word prompts for today are fatigue, stash, cathartic, exult and hero.