Category Archives: Humor

Unlucky Tens

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Unlucky Tens

Who knows if we will die or if we thrive?
If we are meant for Heaven or for Hell?
For though we flourish at full fathoms five,
ten fathoms deep they ring our funeral bell.
Nine penny, ten a penny, roll the dice.
Loan me ten dollars, ’cause I’m feeling hot.
If I roll only once or I roll twice,
will I throw me a snake eyes? I think not.
And ten little Indians never will
pluck a tail feather of a whippoorwill!

 

For dVerse Poets “Ten” Poem We were to write a poem of ten lines with ten syllables per line and an ababcdcd ee rhyme scheme. HERE is the link for that prompt. The link to read other poems for the prompt is given above. Image by Timo Müller on Unsplash.

Doggie Downers and Puppy Uppers

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I was talking to Forgottenman about Zoe’s latest antics which I won’t bore you with, but he referred me to this old Saturday Night Live sketch. Ha!

https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/puppy-uppers-doggie-downers/3004208

Zoe’s Revenge

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When last we saw Zoe, she was sulking in her crate because I’d given her a flea bath. She finally supposedly forgave me and came in for a cuddle as I was about to put her out in her secure little outside area while I went to town for an appointment. “If I leave you in the house, will you go outside to pee and poo?” I asked her, and she gave me her best innocent-eyed nod of the head, but when I went into the hall, I saw that she’d already peed in the corner. As I mopped up the puddle with toilet paper and reached for the Clorox, she grabbed the wad of urine-soaked tissue and RAN! Fast. I chased her though the living room, dining room and kitchen and finally had to wedge her mouth open with my fingers to get possession of the tissue, but a small wad remained in her mouth. I forced her mouth open and got it only to have her seize the big wad again and make off again for the bedroom with it. I finally caught up with her halfway to her destination and luckily the phone/camera was nearby. Naughty Girl!!! I finally regained control of the whole stinky mess. I guess I’m not forgiven. I think she’ll go to her outside kennel now.

Misnomers

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The prompt words I use each day are taken from five different blogs. To see the sites, click on each prompt word, which is linked to the blog that suggested it.  Words for the day are: brindle, infatuated, obelus, summit.  An obelus is a division sign, by the way. I didn’t know that, either, a fact that gave birth to the below poem:

Misnomers

An obelus should be a globe, a bubble or a ball.
rounded and continuous, uniting one and all,
not something that divides us and splits us into parts.
It’s clear the one who coined the word is lacking in their smarts.

Infatuated should mean thin and brindle should mean flinch.
Summit should mean more or less. I will not yield an inch.
Words should have meanings like their sounds  lest ignorant souls abuse them.
Until they do, bet on the fact that I will never use them!!!

 

Image by Simone Secci on Unsplash.

Miss Effie’s Tinder Bio

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Miss Effie’s Tinder Bio

I am far too wholesome to do anything shady.
I am an upright, straight-laced and morally pure lady.
I’m a domestic goddess, occasionally girlish,
who does not appreciate behavior that is churlish.

A knight in shining armor is what I hold out for,
I do not want just any man. I’m holding out for more.
If he would come along real soon, I think it would be nifty,
for I’d prefer my nuptials to occur before I’m fifty.

Prompt words today are wholesome, shady, occasion, churl, domestic. Image  and retablo by jdb.

Adolescence and Anorexia

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Adolescence and Anorexia

When I was a teenager, I thought that I was fat.
I felt that I must be obese if I wasn’t flat.
To look like Twiggy was our goal, but we never achieved it.
The media said curves were bad, and dumb us, we believed it!
Normal flesh felt flabby and we feared cellulite pebbles.
and though in other matters, we felt like we were rebels,
when it came to body image, news and fashion led us.
Thankfully, in retrospect, they weren’t the ones who fed us!

Prompt words today are pebble, referral, flabby, teenager.

Mr. Wordy

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Mr. Wordy

If you have any questions, he’s there for you to query.
It’s rumored he’s a veritable walking dictionary.
Phrases pile up around him, Paragraphs drift like snow.
He simply has to put in words all that he claims to know.

If you’re breaking the rules of grammar, he’ll put you in your place,
and if you mispronounce a word, he’ll tell you to your face.
He’s a pain to talk to, a vain and tiresome man.
So if it’s possible, I’d say avoid him if you can.

He leaves his words behind him, tracking nouns right down the hall.
Adjectives and participles fall where they may fall.
As rotund in his rhetoric as in his derriere,
if words were spoor, I’m sure that we could track him anywhere!

 

Prompt words are rhetoric, rotund, breaking, spoor and dictionary.

Turning the Tables

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Turning the Tables

The turtle stuck his neck out to see where he was going,
but might have hidden in his shell if he had means of knowing

that the chef had plans for turtle soup, so caught him at the threshold
and put his hands around his neck so he could gain a flesh hold.

But such plans “gang aft astray.” The turtle put a spin on
and designed a different course from  one that he had been on.

He dragged that gourmet chef along and headed for the sea.
Their noise of battle was the thing that awakened you and me.

We put our vinyl raincoats on and fiddled with the locks,
scooting feet into our shoes, devoid of any socks.

No moonlight eased our journey, for rainclouds obscured all,
and amidst the raindrops, we commenced to slip and fall.

Around us, many turtles were streaming towards the sea,
intent upon their journey. Ignoring you and me.

So we turned back homeward, to sit upon our stoop
imagining those turtles enjoying human soup.

 

Prompt words for The Sunday Whirl are: turtle neck shell hidden
but design no spin fiddle amidst noise vinyl

For Wordle 542 Image by Dusan Veverkolog on Unsplash.

Nothing but the Truth!!! For dVerse Poets

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If Nothing but the Truth Was Possible

Your child is not as charming as you think he is.
Perhaps if you just said, “No!” to him now and then?

I’m allergic to dogs. Could you get your St. Bernard off my lap, please,
and lock him out of the room where we’re sitting?

As much as I enjoyed the first hundred of your family photos,
could we perhaps move on to conversation of a less familial theme?

My husband has seen enough of your cleavage for one evening. Could you cage them?

Your poem’s triteness is only equaled by its misspellings.

I can see why you would want to be a swinger. Someone as gross as you are
should not expect his wife to shoulder all the responsibility.

Walmart art does not really count as a collection.

Whether your rocks are cubic zirconium or diamonds, they are still ugly!!!

When people back away from you, there’s a good chance
they don’t want you to advance on them again.

A good way to check for bad breath is to lick your wrist.

Have you ever wondered why only beautiful women want you to ask them to dance?

If you expect things in Mexico to be just like they were in the U.S., please remember
that there is a country just north of the border that is the U.S.!! Why don’t you go there?

No I am not ill. I’ve just spent two years starving myself and spent a fortune
on appetite suppressants. Couldn’t you just tell me I look fabulous?

Be honest now. Would you ever have thought to eat raw fish if it weren’t all the rage?

Your life depends on telling the truth. Do you you really, truly enjoy opera?

Just what is it you find enchanting about Paris? Oh, right. It must be the friendly people!

 

The adage I chose as inspiration for my poem was, “The truth shall set you free.” John 8:32

Image by Brett Jordan on Unsplash. To see more poems based on adages, go HERE.
And HERE is a link to the prompt itself.

No Chip Off His Block

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No Chip Off His Block

He cannot get a rise out of his insouciant daughter.
A woman on a tightrope, he cannot make her totter.
Cool as a cucumber, a lamb chop with no gristle,
teasing does not faze her. No insult makes her bristle.

He sees her as a puzzle he’s determined he will solve.
Where did she get her backbone and her strong resolve?
He’s had too many beers, but when he goes to get another,
it’s clear to everybody else she takes after her mother!

 

 

Prompt words today are gristle, mimic, insouciant, totter and tease.